Hot answers tagged

69

Always? No. There are times and places for these kinds of reactions. Do I recommend such responses? Not often. But, as I said, there is a time and place where you may need to resort to these reactions for various reasons. Let me give you an example. In school, I was a young woman who always laughed, smiled, joked things off, and discussed things without ...


47

How should someone apologize when both parties were wrong? Simply put, by apologizing for the wrong that you did. A sincere apology does not come with strings attached, and isn't a chance to sling one last barb. As you say, I realize my reactions to his behavior were poor. That's great self-awareness! So apologize for your behavior, and leave his out ...


21

No, but make sure you think before you speak. I think a huge factor in the appropriateness and effectiveness of such a response comes from how and when you express it. Context is key, and should shape the form of your words. Likewise, what you hope to gain by such a response is also important to think about. Because my answer is not a simple yes or no, I ...


20

First my humble opinion I will be honest, your relationship is extremely close to an abusive relationship, even without violence. As you said she is prone to anger over the smallest of details, wich means that you're walking on eggshells all the time. Not only is it probably extremely stressfull for you to have to be so careful on an everyday basis, if ...


18

One strategy for coping with these kinds of issues is meta-talk. Much like SE sites each have an associated meta site, take a moment when you and the other person are both calm, and talk about how you argue. You can apologize for getting out of control when you argue, and you can express everything that you just said: you are fast to anger, but also fast ...


14

I had a similar situation with a girlfriend, in my 20's. For the record, we eventually broke up! What worked for me (with one girl so I don't know if it would generalize) is walking out. I just said, "I'm leaving so I don't get angry," and left, for hours. I think I did that about 4 times, and the behavior stopped. The first time, I wasn't sure if I was ...


14

People who ignore your complaints and uses you as butt of all jokes all are not worthy of being your friends. I would advise you find better friends. Even if you have a real problem (anger issues), a true friend should not view your problems or handicaps as a way to have fun, they should be more tolerant than most people and try to be accomodating. They ...


14

It looks like you already have had a conversation with her about this, and it didn't help. If she continues to behave in a way that hurts you after telling her how it hurts you, you really should reconsider this relationship. However, sometimes we think we've been very clear and/or very kind, when we weren't. Our choice of words and tone heavily influence ...


13

I think the focus of your question on the pranking behavior of your friend group is a huge red flag that you aren't prepared to address this situation. Luke probably doesn't want to speak to you right now (maybe not ever) because you broke a really key level of trust with the personal insult about his "flawed personality" and blaming that for a recent ...


12

I've seen simular situations. Husband is uncommunicative, wife asks "What's wrong?", husband answers "Nothing's wrong" and then the wife starts with "There must be something wrong. You're acting strange. What's going on?" and so on and so forth. The mood keeps spiraling down. The problem here is neither your bad mood nor her father. The problen is that ...


11

You say that you have a problem with anger management. That's an intrapersonal problem. You also say that your friends, aware of that, are picking on you. So the question is: is there an interpersonal skill that can help restrain / smother their behavior? The way I see that situation: you are a rubber duck for the childishness of your friends. Anytime they ...


11

Background: I have a 9 year old brother that is not spoiled, but has had a difficult background (foster care). His behavior has improved over the years, thanks to my mom's and family's unending patience and support. There are a few options to what you can do to prevent another situation like this: Express to the adults that you wish to study and not be ...


10

You are responsible for your part of being wrong - if you apologize and make it contingent upon the other person to also apologize then it is not an apology as much as a coercion to apologize. If you feel you shared some portion of blame sincerely apologize for that. The most important thing is to focus on where you felt you were wrong (if you weren't ...


9

You ask for a privilege, it is granted, you immediately abuse it, and then get upset for losing it again? You're in dire need of some introspection, friend. The problem with constantly issuing apologies, only to screw up over and over again, is that eventually people get tired of hearing them. I've known people like this, and cut them off - it was the ...


9

If you look at a lot of my responses on IPS, one thing I repeat ad infinitum is this: it is extremely difficult to change other people's behavior. It is much easier to change your response to their behavior. How do you get her to speak nicer to you? I wish I knew the answer. She's in that mode of behavior and it sounds like it's not just to you. ...


8

The situation you have described is not a problem of being insufficiently convincing. You have three real problems: You get angry too easily. You don't behave well when you get angry. You have friends that are not trying to help you be your best self. The good news is that all of these things are directly under your control, but fixing them is difficult ...


8

There is no such thing as a good back-seat driver I don't have a cite-able source for this, but one point I remember from my driving school lessons was that nearly everyone suffers from road rage. This is quite a strange phenomenon. I am usually quite placid, but I often find myself angry and swearing at other drivers (from the privacy of my own car!) The ...


7

You rarely see absolutes in social settings. Thus, it's easy to say that "expressing anger is the wrong decision" is an incorrect statement. I think the other answers have good reasons why, but I wanted to offer what I consider to be a very succinct rationale which explains why anger is usually not the best approach, but also suggests at situations where ...


6

You've presented your apology. One of many that have been issued when you've offended or hurt your friends. Someone who is hurt will see your persistence as self serving. Why self serving? I can tell that you are are remorseful and genuinely want people to see the change in you but I also see your attempts to repair the situation as self serving. When we ...


6

I'm not sure anyone ever appreciates being told how to drive, so I'm not sure this can be done in an effective way. This is especially true of drivers--no one thinks he or she is a bad driver. Chances are your driver knows the rules but doesn't perceive their value, or he perceives the rewards of breaking the rules to be higher than the consequences. So it'...


6

I went through something somewhat similar when I was married. My partner would get upset or stressed and would resort to shouting and berating the people who were closest to them. Their parents, children, and me. A simple apology was rarely enough to sate the tantrums, they seemed to need a full groveling submission before letting up. I'd like to tell you ...


6

You cannot confront her the moment she lashes out, because then she's allready too exhausted to think about her behavior. Inasead, talk to her in a calm moment like after a meal or when you are relaxing in the evening. When talking to her, you must give her the following information in this order: What she does (how exactly she talks to you when she's ...


6

I've had the same trouble with work being delayed and contractors not communicating, although nothing as bad as what you describe. I'm in the United States so my comments may not apply to Canada. In my experience with contractors over a lot of years, payment is half down on signing the contract, half upon completion of work. Paying the contractor 90% up ...


5

This needs to be her issue, not yours. As you said, she is considering professional help to understand her anger, and this is probably the best course of action. At some later time counseling as a couple might be helpful so you can understand her issues too. You should stop trying to analyze this on behalf of the both of you. There are too many possible ...


5

It is a thing which your mind can't control simply. Also it is common for people in your age group(I know your age coz we celebrated your birthday). But things you should care is once you said a word as a result of bad anger, you can say sorry later but it is very hard for that person to forget. I went through many such situations. Self control is the ...


5

You need to figure out whether there's a real chance that your new neighbor might hurt someone. If yes, take precautions, and call the police to report all breaches of the peace. If you determine that there's no real danger from this individual, then you'll be able to relax and start getting used to this colorful bird who has made a nest in your corner of ...


4

You ask "Is an explicit, verbal response that directly expresses anger always the wrong choice?" but your first example really isn't expressing directly what prompted your anger. Your buddy messed up your plans and it was inconsiderate and unacceptable, and if continues you won't make plans with that buddy. Articulating that would be the more direct way of ...


4

Self-empathy is a very useful skill. It sounds like you recognize when you get angry and the sort of things that can trigger it. It may be helpful to practice recognizing those feelings in the moment. Sometime when you're not angry, speak to your loved ones and say that you're working on your temper and ask if they're willing to let you step out of a ...


4

Sounds like you need to re-examine your friendship with John. The worst you can do is tell him to calm down when he is angry. This will only make him more angry. The time to talk to him about his anger issues is when he is calm, not when he is already angry. Generally speaking, you want to convey to him just how much his anger issues are impacting your ...


4

Don't give out empty threats. As you noticed that will only make it worse. What you should do is take out their fun of getting on your nerves. Depending on what it is that they do to get a reaction out of you there's several ways to respond to make their actions really boring (and thus make them stop doing them in the future). One of the most effective ...


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