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82

While in general there is a huge spectrum of how people feel about tidying and cleaning, I have noticed that people who live alone tend towards the ends of that spectrum. A q-tip or a dirty dish will have to be carried from where you see it to the garbage or the dishwasher eventually. Doing it now or doing it later is the same. If you see it and it bothers ...


41

The problem isn't that she's not cleaning... The real problem here is that you don't like the work you have to do. It sounds like your partner doesn't realize how big a problem this is for you. As such, I'd opt for a straightforward conversation as a solution. How to talk about it Find a time you're both calm (maybe when you're at her place) and tell her ...


19

Actually I think much of your situation is ancillary detail. You'd likely have the same issues if you lived together full time. You're still talking about two common issues in relationships: How to reconcile different systems of values and How to peaceably negotiate mutually acceptable resolutions. Recognize that you and your partner have ...


9

I met my wife when we were both in our late twenties. While meeting someone after you've established a stable home life gives a lot of advantages, one of the disadvantages is it's harder work to learn to compromise domestically. What you've been doing for years has worked for you - so it's tougher to learn to change eating/cleaning/laundry/etc habits than ...


9

My partner does the tea box and toilet paper tricks but also spread the newspaper sections over half of the apartment and (my "favourite" one) leave their key in the lock after they arrived at home so I can't open it from outside when I arrive later. I tried quite a few things leading to this defensive behavior that you know too well too. Direct ...


7

An alternate approach, more tactful if perhaps a little less honest: Don't complain about your housemate's dishwashing skills. Instead, complain about the hard water that makes it difficult to get dishes clean when washing things by hand. Buy a new brand of scrubbing sponge with the suggestion that this might address the cleaning issue. (Note: lying ...


6

I write as a male raised in a type of servitude to my older brother and with some experience with girls and women raised in a similar environment like yours. Use yourself as an counter example. What if your brother would start dating a girl like you? One that would expect him to clean THEIR place from time to time. One that would like to have something ...


5

In this case you need to be straightforward with your housemate and let them know that they are not properly cleaning the dishes. Grab a dish, take it to your housemate and show them exactly what was wrong with their cleaning and how they can improve it. You can tell them something like: I really appreciate that you are trying to help keep the dishes ...


5

Adding another answer because the answers so far concentrate on how without first considering why she may be exhibiting this behaviour. She probably still feels like she is a guest in your flat. As such, she may not want to presume to initiate cleaning herself. She may feel she lacks agency or incentive to clean. I know I've slipped into the routine of "I'm ...


5

I've been on both sides of this, and in my experience, the person who wants things cleaner will need to do more cleaning or deal with things not being as clean as they'd like. This may not seem fair to have to clean other people's messes to meet your standards, but on the other hand, it's also not quite fair to force people to clean more than they would have ...


4

Unfortunately, we cannot make others do or not do anything. I'll share my experience, in case that helps. I come from a similar culture where labour is strictly divided along gender lines. My brothers were quite a bit younger than me so the distinction was not quite so evident but there still were situations that were very unfair. For example, the boys could ...


3

As far as cooking, my fiance and I have evolved a pretty simple system: one person cooks, the other person cleans up. Sometimes we cook together but even then it's pretty clear who did the lion's share of the work. It works out really nicely because whoever is a little tired from work and cooking sits back and reads or whatever while the other person ...


2

Unfortunately what you've already attempted may already be your best bet. There may be a few possibilities in how to better express your hope for change and a chore split but I'm not the best person to comment on that. However, I notice you focused exclusively on household chores here (which may just be a cultural miss on my end). What about outdoor chores?...


2

There have been a decent number of really rational responses here and my take on this is a little different. You're trying to "fix" her. You can't. I have my doubts that's it's even possible for one person to fix another. It sounds like you've tried a range of approaches and all have failed. To me, this only strengthens my opinion that you can't fix people....


2

While Cubemaster’s method seems quite effective, it also seems quite confrontational so I thought you might benefit from an alternative (after which you can still use Cubemaster’s method if it fails). I’m not saying it’s your responsibility to keep the peace (if your sister is routinely insulting you she certainly doesn’t seem to do her part) but you are ...


2

I think that it is your sister's responsibility to clean her share of the mess, it's just common courtesy if you are sharing a room. My brother and I shared a room for much of our life (also a 5 year difference), and we had a few similar instances, though nothing as extreme as you describe. That said, there is very little you can do to press the moral ...


1

My partner is also neglecting his houshold duties. We also spoke about it many many times and although he totally agrees that he needs to do more, it is hard to actually make that happening. We are better at keeping up now although not (yet) where we want to be. My experiences so far are that these are important points: Commitment to well defined goals ...


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