102

Instead of saying Excuse me, you are taking all the room. I'd go with Excuse me, I don't have enough space, could you move a bit? It's just less accusatory (and as such, less confrontational), you're not telling them they're doing something wrong but instead making them aware you have a problem they can solve. For me, just a "Pardon" ("Excuse me"), ...


75

Quick note: This answer is writing from my own experience. I fully acknowledge that there are (several?) men (maybe women too?) who are far less considerate than I am and just push out to get as much space as they want. Why I spread my legs (and why your attempts did not work) I'm a tall man. 1,94 m (6 foot 4.4 inches) to be precise. I also can't stand ...


54

I live with someone who often tells me that I'm completely wrong but if I push back and say I am in fact right, says things like "I didn't really intend anyone to take that seriously" or "it was just a throwaway comment" or "I didn't mean to start an argument." I find it intensely frustrating. And you want the other person to stop reacting to what you say ...


48

Have you tried politely asking them to move their legs? From personal experience, they might not know that they're doing it. I have unintentionally sat in seats with my legs spread rather wide. I have always moved my legs when asked. Sometimes this simply wasn't possible because the leg room was physically too small for my long legs. As Imus said in their ...


37

My partner and I have been using a scoring system for household tasks since we moved in together, because we both felt that we did more than the other and that the labor not was divided equally. Our tasks are scored depending on how much time it takes to do them, for example the smallest task is emptying the dishwasher (1 point), the biggest is mopping the ...


18

In my answer, I hope to give you some background on the issue that might help you overcome your shyness/conflict aversion over it. You characterized this behaviour to be very rude and unpleasant. While it's certainly unpleasant, I think it's important to understand that it's not necessarily rude. Don't assume malice, where social unawareness, obliviousness, ...


18

Cook together sometimes, especially the dishes your wife prepares for you that you value most I endorse everything Rainbacon's answer says, and have a complementary suggestion: cook together sometimes. It's pretty easy to underestimate how much variation there is in cooking ability and technique. When I was a kid, my friends and I cooked often when hanging ...


17

Background I can certainly relate to what you are going through. I recently got married and meals have been the largest source of conflict for my wife and I. I am on the autism spectrum, and because of that I am highly sensitive to food. There are very few foods I can eat, and if they aren't made right I have trouble even eating those, though I am trying to ...


17

How can I improve my communication with her in the hope that she understands my points and makes an effort to stop being spendthrift? Going back to family counseling. You've already tried everything else from what I can see : having a budget, having big picture talks about why you need a budget, trying to accomodate the budget for her spending,... So either ...


17

I have a friend with whom I end up passionately discussing stuff quite often, but its usually fun and we both learn a lot. That being said, we both have developed very simple techniques to avoid having a lengthy discussion: Gracefully dropping a topic. A very real conversation we might have could go like this: You: [Something about not believing in "tells"...


16

If you don't care about debating the subject, don't want to start an argument, and are only interested in stopping your friend, then there's a pretty simple solution. Just admit you were wrong. If you know ahead of time that you don't actually care, and aren't invested, then you can block this off right when it starts. As soon as he raises his hackles and ...


16

In such situations you don't respond at all. You can only control your child to a certain degree at that age. You can certainly not stop them 100% from screaming all the time. There will always be someone who thinks they are something special and need to act out, but the majority of people you will encounter, simply ignore it. Though they might be annoyed ...


16

The husband needs to figure out what his problem actually is. Typically, a husband gets jealous of his wife hanging out with guys due to "competition", but these are her brothers. I honestly hope NOBODY in that circle is having trouble with incest... Moving on... the husband is still jealous, now what? He needs to know what he is jealous of! Is it ...


15

In my experience, the only real apology that matters is changed behavior. This is something that I have been on both sides of. Apologies with written or spoken words, gifts, gestures, etc. are nice in the moment, but soon become meaningless if someones behavior is repeated. I have always overreacted on him the past few months and he has blocked me countless ...


12

You can't. The conflict is inherent to the request. There is some space. They would like to use it. You would them not to use it. This is a conflict. There may be some interpersonal tactics available to have them capitulate more easily, but as the question stands, this situation is intrinsically not conflict-free. Very long side note: Your question ...


11

TL;DR: There is always some score-keeping happening in relationships, but to get the benefits of score-keeping you're going to depend hugely on how you keep the score and even more on how you communicate about it! Plain score-keeping like you propose here probably won't work. Even if you both agree to this system initially, it will probably just escalate ...


10

You have two problems here, and you've only identified one of them. The first thing you need to figure out is why she felt the need to reduce her hours, spend more, and not tell you about any of it. Is she stressed or overwhelmed at her job? Does she have some goal you don't know about and is afraid you won't support? There's definitely something going on ...


10

I know this answer is a subset of MilleMies answer but I thought my personal anecdote of being the spendthrift partner was a useful addition. When I was 17 I went out with a 26 year old, he was in full time employment in a good job. I was constantly asking to do stuff which he would "claim" he couldn't afford, I called him tight, I knew roughly what he was ...


9

As you've found, other people just don't mind or pay attention to physical contact as much as you might. So another approach is necessary. Take up all your available space immediately when sitting down (always) I realise this isn't exactly what you asked, and it may or may not be relevant to you, but I thought it might be helpful to someone in your scenario. ...


9

You don't have to change your view, or condone her actions to feel empathy. Empathy is extremely broad, and has a place everywhere. You can feel empathy for the worst people on the planet, because you can take a minute to understand how they must feel right now. Pablo Escobar was a mass murderer, but it's perfectly reasonable to feel empathy for him when ...


8

Back when we first got married, money was tight for both of us. Both my wife and I kind of had a "head in the sand" mentality and we were constantly running short of money. The solution for us was to decouple our finances. We got rid of the joint account and decided who would be responsible for what bills. Then, it didn't matter how much she spent on ...


8

I am a woman, not very tall, so I can understand where you are coming from. I usually use the subway for work. I live in a country where personal space is rather small-to-non-existant. I have used the approach I will describe in subway and train (I can't recall if I used in the bus, but I don't take the bus much). However take note that if the person avoids ...


8

The first thing you need to realise is what you're working against. You are claiming you have a groundbreaking new theory that goes against a lot of established knowledge in a field where you have no formal academic qualifications. Regardless of the validity of your idea, that puts you in the same camp as all "science cranks" who claim to have ...


7

I've been in similar situation twice. One living in a house and one in apartment. First of all - You cannot be sure it's the new renter. While living in apartment, the "complainer" was a person who lived in the furthers apartment from mine and on a different floor. They used new people moving in to start sending complains so it would look like it was them ...


7

I'm going to challenge this question a little bit. You are in a relationship with someone who only apologizes after a long period if at all and apparently does not accept accountability for their actions. You are asking for a way to deal with the surface level of that behavior. How do you think this will affect you over the long run? Do you think that this ...


7

I've been in two different couples where we had this kind of problems and different ways to solve it. I never had to implement a score keeping system. My understanding is that as long as both partners agree there is no bad system to distribute chores, however I think your proposal is problematic for several reasons. What would happen to the score "...


6

I am going to recommend you stop saying sorry. There are two reasons for this: it is always followed by "but", which negates it. "Sorry, but that's how my life is right now" isn't really an apology and doesn't make the person hearing it feel better. if it does work as an apology, it says that you have done something wrong and in fact, you haven't. Instead, ...


6

Respond with Empathy ...because we had been planning for months and I decided two weeks ago to invite the boy, and I chose him over her. Whether intentional or not, you've made your priorities clear: the boy is more important to you than your friend. Your friend is seeing this and reacting. This isn't necessarily a good or bad thing. To respond, I'd ...


6

I think that your goal here, although a good goal, is not possible. Why? You cannot ever really make someone else do anything. (If that were the case, crime would be non-existent). You can help others do do something, but generally can't make them do what you want. What you can do, however, is control your reaction to other people. I'd also add that ...


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