Hot answers tagged

105

When it comes to my own young cousins and children of friends, I usually give them an explicit choice between sharing physical affection and not, while still expecting that they will obey the spirit of the parents request by giving a greeting. My personal script for it is, "Hugs, bye-byes or high fives?" (Basically, give a hug, wave goodbye at each other, ...


79

Once I went to the funeral of a distant relative of my young nephew, he asked me why I went to the funeral, because I did not even know the person who died. My answer was simple: I came for you, not for her. Maybe you should visit your grandmother not because you care about her, but because you love your mother. Your mother is the one who is expecting ...


77

I'm not much of a talker myself and my father isn't either. However, every Saturday my father will ask me to come grocery shopping with him and I will agree (even though I no longer live at my parent house which means that the food which is bought these days isn't even for me). I don't really like to do grocery shopping and my father definitively doesn't ...


42

I have a very stressed grandmother who hardly lets me leave her house alone. I thought this would change once I get my driver license, but she still is uncomfortable with me going out alone. My grandma had her daughters encounter bad situations a couple of times and now is afraid every time one of her granddaughters is outside alone. Her motivation seems ...


36

To address your question directly: How can I tell my Mom that I don't care about her mother without upsetting her? You can't. You cannot expect to tell a relative that you do not care about a person that they care about without causing them some upset. However, I won't be obtuse. I feel like you're asking: How can I support my mother without ...


21

Let him listen Some quiet people don't necessarily need silence. They like conversations; they just don't want to contribute. So rather than asking him questions, try just telling him things. It's preferable to pick subjects he enjoys. But of course, you may not know which subjects he enjoys. Ask him Every once in a while, when you face a choice ...


20

So you have two names that you respond to. One of which is your legal, given name. And the other which is something your friends call you. It sounds like you have a nickname. From the OED, a nickname is: 1. A (usually familiar or humorous) name which is given to a person, place, etc., as a supposedly appropriate replacement for or addition to the proper ...


20

I went through something similar with my parents before they passed away. I was pretty convinced it wasn't safe for my father to drive me anymore. I just ended up saying that I wasn't going to ride with him anymore. Period. End of discussion. I didn't go into detail about how I felt about his driving, and he knew that in general I liked to walk places, ...


18

My father does not talk (or when he talks socially he is quite awkward). He is a brilliant guy with a huge knowledge, it is just that he does not want and does not know how to chat. He met a new family member (someone who married into my family) during a family gathering, someone like him. At some point, we realized in horror that we left them both alone in ...


16

I used to be an animator in holiday centers when I was a teenager, and it was fairly common to have kids who didn't want to kiss cheeks/hug when they arrived at the facility. At first I didn't say anything and the parents would force them to greet me in a socially acceptable way. The kids often ended up crying, and it was heartbreaking. Two years after ...


16

Disclaimer: I am not trans, but I am queer and I came out to my immediate and extended family when I was 17, so I can only speak from my experience. Regardless of how you plan a coming out, it inevitably won't go quite as expected. When I came out to relatives, I spoke to most of them myself either in person or over the phone. There were awkward questions,...


16

Write a letter and send it via good old fashioned Snail Mail. I have experienced a similar situation in which my aunt passed and the funeral was in the Midwest and I lived in New England (United States). I wrote a letter (not typed, emailed, etc- but actually hand written with a pen) to each closely-related family. This should be ideal because you ...


14

I encountered similar situation previously. People just tell their friends (and remind them occasionally, when needed, during accommodation period) about the name change like this: From now on, please call me [Max]. I like this name better / This name suits me better / I prefer this name. or: As we discussed, please call me [Max]. or (to closer ...


13

Does someone in your family need a car? When my Grandpa's health started deteriorating but there still wasn't a clear cut drive/no drive line, no one in the family wanted to hurt his feelings yet we all had our fears that an accident might happen. In a very relaxed atmosphere during a family gathering my uncle asked my grandpa whether he could do without ...


13

I'll preface this answer stating that I am queer, but have not come out to my extended family (what's left of them), aside from having my Facebook name match my new name and being friends with my cousins there. Despite being vocal in the past about my identity, I don't know what all my family has seen or if they even call me Lux. This answer will be ...


12

I've seen simular situations. Husband is uncommunicative, wife asks "What's wrong?", husband answers "Nothing's wrong" and then the wife starts with "There must be something wrong. You're acting strange. What's going on?" and so on and so forth. The mood keeps spiraling down. The problem here is neither your bad mood nor her father. The problen is that ...


12

Would have there been any way to suggest to her that she might want to learn more about cultural appropriation? When considering how to approach suggesting someone may want to learn about something you need to consider: how likely they are to already have knowledge of what you are suggesting they should learn how likely they are to expect you to know about ...


12

This sort of thing is a very common problem for lots of people. I've been there too. When a statement is vague, it can help to use a technique called "active listening" to learn more. So you could say "You are? I'm sorry to worry you, what are you concerned about?" There are three items here: You are? -> Showing you're listening and you care I'm sorry to ...


11

Be proactive and step into the conversation before the parents insist with the child. The general conversation will be something like this: Sibling: Do you have hugs and kisses for uncle Rainbacon? *Child hides face Sibling: Come on, give your uncle Rainbacon a hug and a kiss and say goodbye In this scenario, give your ...


10

You are doing it right. Also, never be afraid of being yourself. Someone in your family is trying to apply some form of peer pressure. You are correctly having second thoughts about it. Stand your ground, do not let their flawed arguments cloud your judgement. Remind them that your social profile, and your social activities are, and should be, the ...


9

Two lessons I've learned from transgender people who go through a similar process: It's going to take time for people to get used to the new name. That's something you have to accept. That doesn't mean you excuse them not making an effort, or let them get away with making themselves into the victim. But, you do have to be patient. If you tell them what to ...


9

It sounds to me like the half-sister isn't angry at your partner, just expressing bitterness and regret about her father. It sounds like your partner sympathizes with her negative experience with the father. They might even be uniquely able to support each other throughout their lives in commiserating over their shared disappointment of him. The half-sister'...


9

I get a lot of calls from strangers. They only want to sell me things, not change my family dynamic, but even from that point of view, I can tell you that your current plan is unlikely to be the smoothest possible approach. I can suggest some improvements. First, don't ask "do you have time to talk?" That is not a yes or no question. It depends what you ...


9

How about "Hey, I need to get my 10,000 steps!" This approach is truthful (since you said you like to walk) though it does avoid having to confront the question of your grandpa's driving competence. If the latter is really your prime concern, then this approach won't work. I've used this technique as a way to get my nieces more active. Their mom is ...


9

I have an aunt who's identical in behavior to the OP's grandmother, except my aunt doesn't even need revenge to tell hurtful lies about people. She once informed my entire extended family at a gathering that I and a friend of mine (who she identified by name) had stolen her local video-rental-store card, rented a "disgusting, horrible pornographic film," (...


8

Disclaimer Having had to sever ties with an emotionally and psychologically abusive narcissistic father; I'm going to assume that my answer will err in favor of you being in a similar situation. However, based on what you have told (both explicitly and implicitly), I do think that it's fairly likely you're in the same boat as I was, at least in regards to ...


8

I have no experience with dementia so I can't tell for sure if this advice will work for you. My answer is based on how my family told me that my niece is autistic and how a friend told me our now mutual other friend has Dystonia. The reason people judge others like your daughter or "put a label" on them is an initial coping mechanism. It's scary unknown ...


8

I appreciate that you said you would prefer not to talk about her susperstitious beliefs at all, but I don't think you really need much help saying a polite: I'd rather not talk about that, thanks. You do also ask if you should instead mention that you think it is "nonsense", so I would like to address what I believe is the most effective and polite way ...


8

How to reassure my mother about the fact that forgetting my birthday does not mean I'm mad at her? Crazy thought, but ... don't do anything at all, don't take any intiative. My mom sometimes thinks she's a terrible mom for doing certain things (like pushing me to buy extra nice clothes, while I prefer to wear a plain jeans and sweater). Afterwards, she ...


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