101

Try to get someone to explain to you her ability to hear (she should have had her hearing tested), her ability to respond, etc. Ask if some of this is depression. Someone should explain this to you. Read about dementia, if that's her diagnosis. What kind does she have? To answer your question specifically; did she have a favorite writer or poet? Did she ...


82

What do I say without sounding like a jerk? How can I get them to understand I need some alone time? The best thing to do is be open and honest with your son and husband. Let them know your recent loss is still affecting you, and that you're not ready to deal with babysitting. It should be as simple as that, and reasonable people will understand. ...


63

...its kind of like my mom is taking a gift from my grandma to me and saying I don't deserve it. I understand your point. I sympathize and know how you feel. I also understand your mother's point of view. Your mom is doing what she thinks is best for you and your brother, and she has every right to do that, even if her ideas about how the money would ...


56

Write a kind letter, expressing appreciation for the gift. It is very thoughtful of your grandfather to try to eliminate some of the hassles involved in the distribution of his estate after he passes. You can at least say that much (just the thoughtful part, not why) truthfully. In the US, a thank you note is not considered enough if all it says is "thank ...


53

Saying "no" doesn't automatically make you sound bad or selfish. If you are a people pleaser, or if you have been taught that it's not "nice" to refuse requests, it may well make you feel that you look like a bad person, but it's not a given. If you haven't articulated your need for time alone and why, then do so right now. It should not be hard for any ...


25

This answer is highly dependent on you. Your schedule, your life, what you do, how much are you around the family in any given day; you could be an excellent shield here and that won't be possible if you cannot be around enough. My mom has an 88-year old uncle and his 79-year old wife. I just call them grandma and grandpa because it is easier and we don't ...


24

People tend to leap to "infidelity" to explain this sort of situation, and it's certainly a common reason, but there are several other reasons why a woman might have a child whose DNA doesn't match her husband's. For example: Misleading DNA results: see e.g. the Lydia Fairchild case. It's hard to know how common such errors are, since most cases of ...


24

It sounds like you're doing things right. My grandmother was in a similar state, towards the end, when she was still with us. We would visit; tell her about the family, her grandchild, and great-grandchildren. Pretty much we talked to her about the things that she used to ask about when she still had the strength and memory to do so. Sometimes when we ran ...


23

The earlier answer by @Geoffrey Brent is technically absolutely correct. May I only add from the interpersonal aspect (pardon my being so frank, but the situation calls for it) that it would be highly unethical of you to go ahead on your own initiative and break any such unsolicited life-changing information to your father, and probably very hurtful as well. ...


20

I don't think your motives are in doubt here. If you were trying to stop them spending their money so you can inherit it at a later date you wouldn't be so keen for them to go caravanning. You have the best of intentions, but as you yourself have pointed out, it is their money. Rather than criticise her spending directly, you may be able to plant the idea ...


14

Definitely you are helping just by being there. Not only are you helping her, you are sending a strong message to the staff that someone cares about your grandmother and is looking out for her. Touching her is a good thing, especially if you did when she was more active. You can tell her about your day, and about your plans. What are you going to do tonight? ...


14

You asked for perspective, here's a possible one. This might get cynical, I obviously don't know you or your family, and I don't want to be understood as mean or rude, I just want to point out what might be the case. Whatever you do, don't start arguing about money or inheritance with your family, because that's how "family" ends. TL;DR Some might be led ...


10

There seems to be no way to tell him but the direct approach. Your grandmother's dementia makes it perhaps a bad idea to ask her. What about your mother - could you speak to her about it? Remember you may only be discovering something they already know about - if your father has confided in anyone wouldn't it be your mother? She may know what best to do. ...


9

You're obviously not the only one around. If your husband wants to take the decision that baby stops over, he needs to take the responsibility to do the baby-sitting. The car will have to wait. But that's not the issue. The issue is that you're expected to carry on as normal. How can you in such circumstances? Those who expect you to seem to have their own ...


9

For the part where you mention: you'll hear things like "it's just a couple of Euros", apparently not realizing that this adds up if you order every other week. The most objective way of showing your grandma that the "little euros" she spends build up, would be to invite her to log her purchases, by either saving the receipts or writing the amount spent ...


8

Since what bothers you most is not the money, but your mother's actions, speak to her directly about that. I think you explained it to us very well: it feels like being punished for doing nothing wrong, and it seems like a violation of trust that she directly went to your grandmother without discussing it with you first. I think if you don't have a goal ...


8

It's very natural to feel bothered by the situation. If I had to venture a guess, I would say that you probably feel betrayed, and disappointed. Your mother is the person who should be most aware of your achievements, your work ethic, and your ambitions. And yet she seems to not only find you wanting, but seeks to force that viewpoint on other members of ...


8

I respect your decision to tell your father. Treating others as you would like to be treated is really the primary lesson from this stack exchange; I assume that if someone knew information about your paternity, you'd appreciate being informed. Carry that principle further. How would you like to be informed of this information, if it was to be revealed to ...


7

TL;DR I'd suggest you talk around the subject first. See what your dad wants. Tell him you're interested in family information you might find thru DNA research. You could say, "Some of this could be uncomfortable or unsettling," and add an open ended question like, "Is that something you'd be interested in?" or "If I find anything like that, ...


7

I am coming from a different cultural background (US), but I was in a similar experience with my family. My paternal grandmother moved in with us (mom, dad, me) because of her failing health. Both of my parents were retired, but because of the division of labor in the household, my mother wound up doing much of the care giving. I could act as a buffer for a ...


6

How do I talk to my mom about the reason behind her actions and why she thinks what she thinks about my work ethic? Well, start by stating your concerns, so that your mom knows why you're talking to her about it. Like what you stated in the question: My goal is to better understand why my mom took these actions Basically, when I 'confront' my mom about ...


5

This sounds more like depression that Alzheimer's. To be clear, the Alzheimer's isn't gone and will progress over time, but the current changes in behavior are quite typical for depression. Try consulting a psychologist and getting therapy for your grandpa. Ask the psychologist what you can do to make your granspas life better. As to what you can do now: ...


4

If you're really just trying to understand your mother's position better, you could propose this as a solution to her problem, and see what her thoughts are. It should shed a great deal of light on the motivations behind the decision: I understand that you are concerned that the money I might receive as an inheritance would hurt me. However, I'm having ...


3

I would like to add to @anongoodnurse's excellent answer. A proper (personal and detailed) thank you in some way (letter, phone call, etc.) is the most appropriate response. It could be, though, that the estranged grandfather is making some kind of attempt to reconnect, to repair the relationship. My source for this? Personal experience. In my ...


3

Families and who gets money they didn't earn themselves can turn into a very toxic mix. Sometimes it's because one or another wants the money, which means hurtful priorities come into play. Other times there are long-standing issues of selfishness, selflessness, favoritism or justice/equity that bubble to the surface. My advice is to try and go back to ...


3

Keep in mind that she may have lied to her own mother. For one thing, grandparents can themselves be irresponsible when dividing up money by giving it prematurely to their grandkids instead of allocating it to their own old age, basic necessities, food requirements, nursing home care, medical/funeral expenses, or money to maintain aging assets. Or as ...


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