Episode #125 of the Stack Overflow podcast is here. We talk Tilde Club and mechanical keyboards. Listen now
349

This is not an interpersonal issue as such, it's a security concern. I don't advocate overreacting, or misinterpreting polite interest, but they guy has gone way beyond the pale. You've done nothing wrong - it's he who needs a lesson in interpersonal skills. And the best way to teach him that is by informing security (or staff) the next time he so much as ...


248

As an ex-lifeguard in a swimming pool, I can correct your assumptions. We are there for stopping fights between children, cleaning up mess people make, answering questions, etc for 95% of the time. The other 4.9% are for helping people who fell because they slipped, or got a bleeding nose etc. I never witnessed the 0.1% of the time you have to save someone ...


147

In these situations you want to put people on the spot without setting them on fire (because being too confrontational in the workplace can be an issue). Next time you see him doing this, I'd say: "Excuse me, can I help you?" (Or even without the 'excuse me' bit if you just want to be direct) "Um... No, I'm just passing through." "Okay. I ...


136

Short answer: Really it is your girlfriend that needs to be firm with him and tell him to stop. You can and should back her up, but she has to establish her boundaries with this person herself. I know you want to protect your girlfriend from this person flirting with her, but unless she herself calls out the behaviour at the time it occurs then he will ...


118

I would encourage your wife to talk to the fiancee about this. The person best able to put an end to this is the fiancee. Even if she can not, she needs to know who she's engaged to before she's legally bound to someone who is - at minimum - very much attracted to a younger woman enough to stalk and harass her - and who may some day actually "catch" some ...


116

In this specific situation I think you did the right thing. Well, in most situations like these, the chances of a totally peaceable resolution are slim. People who go out looking for trouble are sure to find it, particularly if they're of that age group, have those racial/political leanings, and feel they have the reassurance of their group. The only thing ...


83

I haven't had occasion to use this technique since seeing it described, but this graphical guide to bystander intervention describes a non-confrontational way to help the victim. That guide was created for a specific type of case but would apply to any sort of harassment or bullying. This site provides a transcription of the steps: Engage ...


61

I'm sorry this happened to you. You didn't do anything wrong - this guy kept harassing you even after you made it clear you weren't interested. If you encounter him again, tell him once "No, I'm not interested", or "Go away", or "Please don't touch me" as loudly as you can - then absolutely report him to the lifeguard. They will know who to involve to help ...


58

What you ended up doing, while a perfectly normal reaction, was actually quite dangerous. You retreated to a place with (presumably) no other people, (presumably) only a single exit, and the only thing preventing the person you feared from following you were societal constraints - something he's already shown to disregard. Don't ever do that again. Among ...


56

This line says all you need to know. including kissing her while under the influence Under UK laws this is sexual harassment and your wife has every reason to report him. A university student is considered by the Job Centre as employed. I cannot see why then they would not be protected in the same way as an employee. Personally I have been in an office ...


49

Just tell him straight You know you're staring at me, don't you? Or the well-used option My eyes are up here Or just look at him while he's looking at you. Sooner or later, he'll see that you know he's staring at you and start feeling uncomfortable. Getting embarrassed into admitting the obvious sometimes does wonders, and being so straight about ...


46

Is there any way, to get her to stop that behavior ? Unfortunately, that seems utterly impossible by human means. You have made yourself clear, ignored her, complained, moved around, threatened, and so on... What's left? Quit and move away from this toxic environnment (later, as you said). Get help. Take legal action. DISCLAIMER: I'm not a lawyer, but ...


43

Just to add another viewpoint... I have actually been approached by a girl in a nightclub, looking a bit worried, she asked me if I would stay with her for a few minutes because this guy was harassing her. It worked, the guy disappeared and I stayed with the girl until her friends came to meet her. Another time, years later, I got a phone call from my ...


43

I think a direct approach that talks about your feeling without implying any particular motive to him, is probably best. For example, "It makes me uncomfortable the way you scan my body whenever I pass by. I don't want to start a big argument, but please stop it." He may just say "sorry." If so, just say "Okay," and leave. If he argues, don't argue. Just ...


38

Given that this was triggered by the recent #metoo awareness campaign about sexual harassment, what I have seen some of my friends do and seems to have been received positively, is to join the campaign by publicly apologising for past behavior. The reason is that the goal of the campaign is not only to show how many women suffer sexual harassment in their ...


34

This is not a flirting issue, it is a respecting boundaries issue. No, you should not ignore it so he doesn't get a rise. While this approach might eventually stop his actions, before that happens he will escalate to provoke you more strongly. The first is that you and your GF need to be on the same page, you already talked so you are halfway there. The ...


26

I used to work as a lifeguard at a pool and we occasionally had poorly behaved members. Most of the staff knew about who to keep an eye on and we would warn other lifeguards when we switched about problematic patrons. I can't recall anyone behaving the way you described but that person would have immediately had their membership revoked. Lifeguards do more ...


26

I'll omit the shpeel about how to escalate the matter, since that has been covered in other answers. You can certainly do that, but if she threatens to call security as a threat and the individual calls her bluff and no one comes to escort them out, that's only going to make them feel more powerful. I would only flaunt security threats if they can be ...


21

You told him explicitly that you had no interest in him. Even after that he then followed you into the water and physically assaulted you. This is a police issue. He absolutely is a threat (if not to you, then to the next woman) and if something happens again in the future then having reported the first incident weighs heavily in your favour. It should ...


21

I'm going to offer up an alternative solution that doesn't assume the worst about this coworker. You can't control other people's behavior (this is especially true when it's nothing but someone moving their eyes), but you can control your feelings. It makes you uncomfortable because you are being presumptuous about why he is scanning you--e.g. that he's ...


20

From the sounds of things the fiance already knows, or at least has reason to suspect that her husband-to-be has, to put it as gently as possible, "a wandering eye" And chances are pretty good that if he's made advances toward your wife, he's likely made advances toward other women as well... With that in mind, protecting their relationship isn't your ...


20

Another poster mentioned just ignoring her, which I believe is one of the better options. However, if you must interact with her any way for work purposes, the extinction response will be less effective. Furthermore, you need to not only ignore her with your words, but also with your facial response. However, given the level emotion and frustration I sense ...


19

Places where I have worked are zero tolerance for this, and wording such as "You are no longer welcome here. Leave now before I call security" would be much firmer. Yes, it is escalation, but it gives a very direct message. Your workplace may have to decide where the line is, and below that you can provide a customer service appropriate way to respond, but ...


19

TL;DR - Confront your Sister In Law, insist she deal with you directly rather than your daughter and then try reach an agreement with the help of your wife and after planning some key points for conflict resolution Clearly something has happened to make your SIL think that your daughter should give her $8,000. What that something is will affect how you ...


17

The problematic person in question is a threat to your wife. You both need to deal with him from that angle, an on priority. I'm saying this because he's behaved badly twice and continues on the same line despite being told to stop. It is bordering on criminal behaviour, if not already punishable. The first priority should be to disengage with the "troll" ...


15

TL;DR: "I feel like you stare at me a lot. What's up with that? It makes me uncomfortable." First, you need to be very careful if you accuse the person of anything formally. This is the type of thing that would be easy to deny even if it is true, and there is also the possibility that the "like a piece of meat" part is not true. What you describe could be, ...


12

As I couldn't get rid of the guy I escaped to the changing rooms and waited there for him to leave. ... Tell the lifeguard? But his job is to rescue people from the water, not from sexual harassment? If you ever find yourself in a situation where you legitimately fear for your safety, it is entirely appropriate to bring the situation to the ...


9

As you put it, you can't change your work and don't get help from your manager and police. Well done for taking all the steps you already have taken! I don't think you can change other people. You might be able to change how they treat you. That can be enforced, mostly in organisations. But your manager does not see your problem. But you can change how you ...


9

It sounds like what you want to contribute is "don't do that". Groups of people, and especially groups of teenagers, rarely accept these sorts of contributions. The two major retorts from such groups are "you are too young/immature and wouldn't yet understand why we are doing that, because you haven't been in this situation" and "you are too old and out of ...


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