Episode #125 of the Stack Overflow podcast is here. We talk Tilde Club and mechanical keyboards. Listen now

Hot answers tagged

205

I realize this may not be the way you wish to go about it, but I did admire one way a fellow coworker handled these situations; with every type of prejudiced joke. What he would do is pretend not to understand. "I don't get it. Why is this funny?" Having to explain a joke is bad enough, but having to explain a (usually bad) perceived characteristic of any ...


204

First things first. There's no reason to be ashamed. Some people may judge you and you may still be judging yourself, but there's really no need to. Love yourself for who you are and try not to let other people get you down. It may be a little early for this suggestion, but consider trying to become comfortable enough with yourself to be comfortable ...


171

Recognise your own biases When someone from a minority group says "that's racist/sexist/homophobic/etc" and the retort from someone from a majority group is, more or less, "no it isn't" This is phrased in extremely general terms. The example you added to the question is quite clear-cut, but in other situations which fall within the scope of the quoted ...


97

Wow, I know them feels... It usually feels like being caught between a rock and a hard place when people ask questions that you know they can't handle the answers to. The place I've come to with these is a sort of "stand my ground policy", not always easy, or pleasant, but it helps me keep my sanity. It goes something like this: Them: Have you found a ...


90

On the one hand, the fact that one or both of these people is trans is utterly irrelevant. (I'm going to take you at your word that your objection is to Public Displays of Affection whether with opposite sex couples who are both cis, same sex couples who are both cis, or opposite or same sex couples that include one or two trans people.) Different people ...


78

If your mother is actually saying soulmate out loud with her mouth, and not man, how about taking her at face value? You can go several ways with it. You could argue that you don't need a partner to be safe, that you keep yourself safe, that her belief a partner is what you need is old fashioned and stupid, or you can grin and say I keep holding auditions,...


77

It sounds like your boss is a little nosier than many, but you don't need to reveal details. I've used the following framing when I've needed to request days off but didn't want to say way (for example, because I had an interview scheduled with another employer): I need to be able to take off $date for an important commitment that can't be rescheduled. ...


71

As a general rule, it's better to ask the individual person how they want to be referred to, whether it be past or present. That said, in my experience it's common and usually appreciated when you use their current pronouns. Many trans folks think of themselves in those terms, because they knew they wanted to transition and identify long before they were ...


66

I've posted similar answers to similar questions before, but this isn't strictly a duplicate, so here we go again. What I find helpful when I have to deal with similar things in my workplace is to shake my head to indicate "no" and walk away. It's a simple gesture of disapproval and then an exit. Even when I'm stuck working in the same room ...


64

The problem is all about the tone and how it causes the first impression of your argument to shift. I've had this issue for years, and even with close friends I get incredibly frustrated when pointing out certain things. Say a friend of mine makes jokes about autism and about how some behavior is "just such an autistic thing to do" in a demeaning way. Now ...


61

Sounds like your friend is in love with you. Despite it being an unrequited love, and you being plain about that, it's going to be hard for her to turn those feelings off. Seems like she's entertaining the idea that you two will be together some day. You're not being selfish and it's probably going to take time. But it's not something that you can really ...


52

I buy clothes for other people routinely. I have never been asked that. If someone in a store were to ask me "who are you buying these for?" I would stare at them in a way that made it clear they were crossing a line, and then say I'm not asking for assistance with this, thankyou or I'm sure you don't need to know that I would do my very best to ...


52

What I find helpful when I have to deal with similar things in my workplace is to shake my head to indicate "no" and walk away. It's a simple gesture of disapproval and then an exit. Even when I'm stuck working in the same room with people who are pretty awful, I can usually get away with leaving to go to the restroom or out for a quick smoke break, and by ...


50

Well, I'm not straight, I'm white, but I'm not a man, so let me see if my experiences in the world can help any here. Advance forgiveness, I am sure a lot of what I say you might already know (otherwise I don't think you'd be here asking this thing in this way), but I want to try to make it as approachable to a maximum number of humans as possible. One of ...


46

High school is a tough time for everybody and I understand why you feel you should do something to help your friend in this situation. My suggestion is to actually do nothing. People have a lot of crushes in their highschool years, I have had a crush for every other female friend I have had at some point or another during that time. They come and go and ...


40

In my experience, people typically ask for two reasons: They're being nosey They're ready to talk about it, or they at least want to try My mother flat out expressed to me that she never wanted to discuss my sexuality or partners when I first came out. However, two years later, she is now able to acknowledge certain (small) parts of my dating life - but I ...


40

What I think you haven't fully faced is that your conversation already has only one possible outcome: breaking up. I am certain that given what you have been through, the idea of coercing your partner to have sex on your terms and against his will must be as repugnant to you as it would be to him. Making sex he doesn't want a condition of continuing the ...


39

An approach I've used in the past that was quite successful is to not ask that someone remove the decorations outright, but ask people if there are plans to clean them up or reasons outdated stuff is still around. In one case, I also asked if they could use my help (during lunch break) to clean up. I must admit this wasn't for something as sensitive as pride ...


37

I can't address coming out, but as a woman in what was a vastly male (and misogynist) dominated field, I can empathize. When I went into premature labor (by months, mind you) during a shift in the Emergency Room, I called my boss to tell him I had to leave, and he told me to not only finish my shift, but to find my own coverage for the shifts I'd miss. He ...


35

The short answer: Address it the same way you would with any other overly sappy, sweet, PDA couple: Hey, you two, get a room. The long answer: The fact that this is a trans couple doesn't, or at least shouldn't, matter. The fact that you think it does is a little telling... I'm not going to beat you up over it, but feeling the need to make that ...


34

Re-learning how to communicate with people we have known for our whole lifetimes can be very complicated. Sometimes their miscommunications might come from them not yet being comfortable addressing issues, pronouns, or sexuality that they have never once thought would be something that'd hit close to home for them. Other times these miscommunications might ...


33

You might just be missing the point by almost making this about labels. You said you don't feel like the typical "woman", the woman society expects you to be, act like, look like. I personally try not to care about gender roles and what society thinks (most of the time), though I wouldn't identify as asexual. Your friend knows you for a long time and ...


33

I think you have already managed to point out the problem yourself. Your behaviour often leads to a further entrenching of positions instead of a form of productive dialogue where both people can learn. This is because your approach is very aggressive and I don't fault you for that! You feel that the world is unfair towards you or a chosen group you think ...


33

Now I want to talk to her to show my support => does she want that too? That's the point. When in doubt, I usually just let people know who I am, and what I'm looking for. I don't put pressure on them, they have an easy way out; to do that, they only need to (just) don't answer and go back to you. It's not even rude to you, because you "tell" them to do so. ...


32

It's worth noting that it's not an either or. Sexuality is more of a spectrum, as in some people may fall somewhere in the middle. Your cousin may be one of these people, or he may not, but you don't really know, and it may be damaging to the relationship to press the issue. When I've run into these situations I usually just let it be until the person comes ...


32

How, if, could I ask him make him explicitly say if he's homosexual, without risking our fresh friendship? You really can't. You could simply ask, but you're running the risk of alienating a friend by doing it. If he's gay and "out" you'll find that out by simply getting to know him better. If he's gay and "closeted" you may never find out, but he will be ...


31

I think the only way is to try to gently point out their lack of perspective and encourage empathy with outside perspective. Actually engage with their ideas about why it's not a problem; otherwise you are saying they need to listen to you but not vice-versa. Still, you're not going to often just change someones mind in conversation, that's just how it is. ...


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