Hot answers tagged

87

I'm a trans woman, and have been (still am, potentially :/) the kind of person you describe in your post. First thing to understand is that you literally can't stop them being nervous or uncomfortable. It's just a fact that shopping for gender affirming clothing is scary, because of the way society treats gender nonconformity (GNC). Especially for people ...


87

Trans woman here, so this is entirely how I would handle it from my perspective. First, I like the inclination that you have to tell her that someone is outing her. That is dangerous. People lose jobs and get assaulted for being trans so if someone who knew my secret went around telling people I was trans, I would want to know. Please tell me so I can act ...


40

Now I want to talk to her to show my support => does she want that too? That's the point. When in doubt, I usually just let people know who I am, and what I'm looking for. I don't put pressure on them, they have an easy way out; to do that, they only need to (just) don't answer and go back to you. It's not even rude to you, because you "tell" them to do so. ...


40

An approach I've used in the past that was quite successful is to not ask that someone remove the decorations outright, but ask people if there are plans to clean them up or reasons outdated stuff is still around. In one case, I also asked if they could use my help (during lunch break) to clean up. I must admit this wasn't for something as sensitive as pride ...


32

I worked as a sales clerk in clothing about 15 years ago and we did have the occasional male presenting person shopping for female branded clothes. One of the things you already picked up on is not asking who they are shopping for. Don’t make an extra fuss about it, just greet them as you would any other customer and tell them you are around if they need ...


24

This answer is informed mostly by personal experience and a little by conversations with transgender peers. I'm trans (Female to Male, pre-transition). I would prefer, in this circumstance, by a significant margin, being referred to by my preferred name and pronouns. It would be a lot easier for me to understand that someone did not try to stalk me, or ...


21

I have a number of trans woman friends who have shopped for women's clothing while still being male-presenting. One important thing, as I think you've realized, is not to be too enthusiastic towards them -- treat them as you would any other (female-presenting) customer. If you start telling them how happy or excited you are for them, that's probably just ...


21

You don't. The thing is that the company has already positioned itself in the political spectrum by putting the stuff up in the first place. Unlike Christmas, being politically involved is a year round effort. If you are not responsible for the company's appearance and this sort of stuff truly bothers you, look for a new company. I find it incredibly ...


20

So you have two names that you respond to. One of which is your legal, given name. And the other which is something your friends call you. It sounds like you have a nickname. From the OED, a nickname is: 1. A (usually familiar or humorous) name which is given to a person, place, etc., as a supposedly appropriate replacement for or addition to the proper ...


20

My advice is to remember that we prime others for how to react to us to some degree. What I mean is that the greatest thing you can do to reduce the chances of this happening at all by simply acting like you belong, which isn't about passing or not. The science on this is extensive and dense, but a good place to start would be Cialdini's 6 Principles of ...


19

I wil advocate against any welcoming strategy. The best way how to approach "different" people is not to care for their "difference" at all. Treat every customer as anyone else - no matter their skin colour, preferences, clothing, eye colour, hair length. Being oversupportive is as bad as treating "others" as creepy ones. In both cases one is drawing ...


18

Based on your comment I guess that was my profile :) Personally, the main reason I included that is because I don't care too much which is used, so long as it's not "he/him". People assume I'm male on the internet enough that it kind of annoys me, so I figured I ought to explicitly say somewhere what I am comfortable being called. It's a mix of not feeling ...


16

Disclaimer: I am not trans, but I am queer and I came out to my immediate and extended family when I was 17, so I can only speak from my experience. Regardless of how you plan a coming out, it inevitably won't go quite as expected. When I came out to relatives, I spoke to most of them myself either in person or over the phone. There were awkward questions,...


16

This kind of stuff makes me incredibly paranoid---if someone went around gossiping about my transgender status (particularly in the workplace), I wouldn't handle it well; it's the kind of thing I think about when making suicide attempts. There's always the idea that, behind my back, people I trust are deadnaming me, and only use my correct name when I'm ...


14

I had a "falling-out" with a close friend due to distance/life as well. We used to hangout and talk often, and we were even getting groceries and dinner together every Wednesday for a few months! But they moved and stopped responding as often to me until eventually I stopped hearing from them. I'm on your friend's side of things though. While the few ...


14

I'll try answering this question (my first attempt at this site). I transitioned years ago, and received messages from unexpected people reaching out. To use her correct name, or not? Surely it's clear that deliberate deadnaming is not a good idea. From my point of view, if someone uses my name and pronouns, I automatically feel significantly more at ...


14

The way you've written and explained in this post, to me it doesn't sound like you are having any problem with this being a gay relationship, and you are quite sure that you are not interested in a romantic relationship with your friend, so I'm going to skip over that. It sounds to me like you're afraid of losing your best friend because they've entered ...


13

I'll preface this answer stating that I am queer, but have not come out to my extended family (what's left of them), aside from having my Facebook name match my new name and being friends with my cousins there. Despite being vocal in the past about my identity, I don't know what all my family has seen or if they even call me Lux. This answer will be ...


11

“How is your viewpoint on transgender people” will create quite an awkward situation because most people don’t have any viewpoint on the matter. It’s not important to them. It’s important to you, for obvious reasons, but not to most people. My boss had an employee who came out as a transgender woman, and his reaction was: So what? That was actually the ...


8

As with any interpersonal intimate (not only sexual) relationship, being clear and honest in communicating is the key. Try to tell your partner what you wrote here, communicate what you want and what you are afraid of. Ask you partner for same: what are they afraid of, what they want to do. This is what me and my partner had to go through in order to figure ...


7

Social Media is your best bet here. It sounds like you weren't very close before so a phone call or even a text may be a bit too intrusive as most people only give out their numbers to friends, family and maybe some colleagues. Social media is a better route as it's usually much easier to find someone on something like Facebook through existing connections ...


6

“She” is a singular pronoun that has a gender associated with it. “He” is a singular pronoun that has a gender associated with it. “They” is a singular pronoun that does not have a gender associated with it. If someone’s gender doesn’t match the gender associated with either of these first two pronouns, a gender-neutral pronoun like “they” is most ...


6

EM C's answer is fantastic. Though my rule-of-thumb when I hang out with my fellow trans people is to use the first set of pronouns. My roommate uses he/him and they/them so I opt for he/him most of the time. In my mind, the preferred pronouns would be first. Though, I do sometimes use they/them for my roommate out of habit because most of my trans friends ...


6

I don't really have experience with reconnecting with friends, so my answer won't really be complete. However, I am non-binary and I also do have experience with unexpectedly reaching out to someone in order to bring them joy. I write about such a reach out in another answer here so my post will partially be based on that (and another reach-out that I also ...


5

I am, myself, part of several oppressed communities. This is how I tested the water at my own workplace. Be aware, though, that using these techniques can still be dangerous for you. You might end up being seen as the "social justice warrior coworker" with every good and bad connotation attached to it. My advice could be broadly summarized as: suggest ...


5

If I were to summarize your question: you gave your friend a role that he probably did not ask for in the first place. He is also probably unaware of such important role, and of the responsibilities that you placed on him. Finally, as he is unaware of all this, he is clearly acting of his own accord and free will and he is living his life. Now you have a ...


4

I'm on the autism spectrum and I'm also agender. When I was 23 years old, I had a lot of difficulties and decided to find out if I was, or not, in the autism spectrum (which would have explained my difficulties). It turns out I was indeed on the autism spectrum, but since I had told no one in my family about my difficulties (aside for my parents), I knew ...


4

If I assume the best intentions, in other words, that you are asking how you can influence your co-workers to tone things down and choose more subtle ways to display acceptance of gender and sexual orientation diversity, then: Primarily by leading by example. You can display, in your immediate work space, some small but clear indication that you are ...


3

If you don't want to risk coming across as against the decorations themselves or anti-lgtbqia+, then don't even think of hinting at your true motivation of trying to control/limit what the office stands for. It can't help but carry the message of "I don't want the office to stand for this." Instead, find some neutral and common ground reason for them to ...


3

I encourage something simple, without excuses. Something like: Hi [their correct name*]. Sorry about my rather slow reply. How are you? Just take it from there, and basically act as you normally would (i.e., be the same person). I remember when I transitioned, people would be afraid of saying the "wrong thing", and for this reason avoided me; it felt ...


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