110

There is possibly a bigger issue here. If the question is literally "How to ask girlfriend to pay rent..", then you've almost, already, done that. A more diplomatic approach could be just starting a conversation with "So, how are we going to handle rent?". Depending on her financial status, it might actually be unfair to expect a 50/50 share on rent, but ...


81

The key word in your question is "invited". (update: It was. Question has since been edited to remove that word. Skip the next paragraph to get to the actual answer, I leave it as this was the original answer, the rest of this answer is independent of the word choice.) By our western cultural standards, if we are invited for something, we expect not to pay ...


71

Seldom I've seen a question that is so well separated into two worlds. I think that you can settle this by dividing the risks and possibilities, and manage expectations with precision. Your nightmare: She moves in with you, lives in comfort on your pocket either indefinitely or until a better opportunity presents itself. Any 'love' in the equation is just ...


70

I disagree with those who claim it is immature or otherwise wrong for her to object to you telling her to do it. You're not her parent or manager. The two of you are partners. You want to work together to get all the things done that you need to do as a team. Some (like renewing a license) can only be done by one person, and others could be done by either, ...


54

Life is about setting priorities, and while it's common for people to say that you should spend "all your time" with your family, the truth is that for many people that just doesn't work. Lots of people need some alone time, and they should take it because otherwise they'll just spend time being frustrated with their family. (Which is, technically, spending ...


37

My partner and I have been using a scoring system for household tasks since we moved in together, because we both felt that we did more than the other and that the labor not was divided equally. Our tasks are scored depending on how much time it takes to do them, for example the smallest task is emptying the dishwasher (1 point), the biggest is mopping the ...


34

As someone who has this problem themselves, I should have an answer for you. The sad thing is, after many years, I don't know whether I do. I'm still learning too. I have exactly that reaction/experience as you describe it. Its not one I choose or indulge, and I try to not let it kick in, but, after a lifetime, I'm still nowhere near beating it. But I know ...


29

The way you phrased your question, it sounds like you've asked your girlfriend to uproot her life and move 1000k, not out of love, but because you need someone to subsidize your rent. Now that might, in no way, be a fair read of the situation, but if it reads that way to me, just based on hearing only your side of the story, I could definitely see it ...


24

"I'm sure he can sleep in the master bedroom because he has done so for about 9 months" Just because he has tolerated something in the past doesn't mean he should continue to do so in the present as well. He has realized how to make himself comfortable and he is acting on it. "I want us to sleep in the same bed" It's your 'want'. So, you ...


23

First my humble opinion I will be honest, your relationship is extremely close to an abusive relationship, even without violence. As you said she is prone to anger over the smallest of details, wich means that you're walking on eggshells all the time. Not only is it probably extremely stressfull for you to have to be so careful on an everyday basis, if ...


22

You don't!!! I mean you are moving in together. If she is actually your girlfriend and someone you care about, then you prepare yourself to support her. If you can't do that, then you have no business asking her to undertake this with you and should just break up now. To be clear, it's fine to say something like "we are going to go 50/50 on the rent", but ...


18

I am a life-long procrastinator. During the second year of my marriage to a wonderful, loving man, we had a long "lively discussion" about this which ended when he quietly said, with much obvious reluctance: "I don't want to live like this". For a moment, I froze - it sounded as if doomsday was about to descend upon us. Fortunately, I took it seriously, ...


17

I had a similar situation with a girlfriend, in my 20's. For the record, we eventually broke up! What worked for me (with one girl so I don't know if it would generalize) is walking out. I just said, "I'm leaving so I don't get angry," and left, for hours. I think I did that about 4 times, and the behavior stopped. The first time, I wasn't sure if I was ...


17

Depression I think half of the problem here is your initial framing and her depression. Anything said to her in that way with her current state of mind will (in all likelihood) be taken as an insult and affirm the complex negative beliefs she has about herself. Anecdote When I had depression, anything anyone said to me came across as a personal attack (...


16

From what you've said, it sounds like you are communicating your current thoughts effectively; you've told him that you don't have much to talk about and he seems unable to accept that and is upset. It seems like his communication needs aren't being fully met in the relationship at the moment. Would it be possible for you two to sit down and talk about what ...


13

Your actual question is: How do I tell her that if she doesn't get a job in a reasonable amount of time, or at least show me that she is trying to get a job so that she can pay half of the rent; then I will have to ask her to move somewhere else. You have already set the ultimatum, and you've wounded her a little in the process. Doesn't really matter ...


13

"All you need is love...." isn't as accurate as advertised. Unfortunately there are some other important factors to think about in a serious, long term relationship. This sort of "forgetfulness" being one of them. Honestly it sounds like what you're seeing isn't as much forgetfulness as procrastination. The key thing isn't as much what you need to do, as ...


11

TL;DR: There is always some score-keeping happening in relationships, but to get the benefits of score-keeping you're going to depend hugely on how you keep the score and even more on how you communicate about it! Plain score-keeping like you propose here probably won't work. Even if you both agree to this system initially, it will probably just escalate ...


10

The tough truth is that you have to change your lifestyle now. To what extent and how - is your decision and depends on the sort of work you do. But you always can to involve your child into your hobbies and make it beneficial for both of you. This way you'll spend more time with your child and keep doing what you like. Think about you and your family, not ...


10

Regarding Alice's husband, if he doesn't want to be a jerk then saying something simple like: That's not a very nice thing to say. will most likely be very effective at getting him to change his behavior. (It's worked on me before.) If he doesn't care that he is a jerk, but cares about what other people think about him, then saying the above will ...


9

From the sound of it, she still has some maturing to do. if I remind her, it makes her more likely to not want to do it It sounds like you're describing a teenager's behavior. If your helpful reminders to help her are not welcome, then don't give them. Let her learn a tough lesson about procrastination. She keeps putting off getting her license, are ...


8

As a parent, this does strike me as not sounding like you understand how to give your child the basic needs. Providing food and clothing and lights is not enough. Children need to be loved. They need to know you care about them. They do need to be more important than the things you like to do. It doesn't mean you give up everything. Of course you don't ...


8

There is one lifehack that worked for me perfectly well. I was the forgetful lazybones in such a situation, and I had my parents (and sometimes friends) reminding me what I must do/promised to do/asked to do. I also had that powerful unwilling to do anything, I am reminded. The solution looks pretty simple. I just needed to remind myself instead of ...


8

Relationships are a team sport; they work better with less "I" and "you" and more "we". My husband and I have had this kind of problem, in both directions. He used to wash the dishes but I wasn't happy with the level of cleanliness. Meanwhile, I cook and had been pretty flexible about timing depending on evening activities, when we got home from work, and ...


8

This kind of communication break down can be pretty detrimental to a relationship, so you're 100% right to look for help with it. My ex and I had a similar style of communication breakdown. Half the time, using phrasings from the area we live in currently, he would be off in the completely wrong direction with what I said. This, of course, was incredibly ...


8

Answer So, to list all the actual technical questions you are asking... How to suggest someone to find a hobby without offending them? she took it to herself and I felt very bad about that because that was totally not what I wanted her to think. Is there something I could do to fix that? Can I somehow encourage her to try out new things on her own / look ...


8

Two years of job searching without any success is bound to dent your self-esteem. I think you said the right things, but the reassurance needs to be maintained until things get better. He's begun questioning his own professional capacity based on his failure to get ahold of employment (which is not a good indicator). Keep on giving unconditional acceptance,...


7

The challenge here is meeting your standards vs not doing something in a way that affects others. If this were about vacuuming, then I'd say "forget about it, let the other person vacuum the way they want." However, for a kid to have dinner at 9 at night sounds like there would be a lot of complaining for 4 hours about how hungry they are. That teaches ...


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