82
While in general there is a huge spectrum of how people feel about tidying and cleaning, I have noticed that people who live alone tend towards the ends of that spectrum. A q-tip or a dirty dish will have to be carried from where you see it to the garbage or the dishwasher eventually. Doing it now or doing it later is the same. If you see it and it bothers ...
44
Red flags everywhere.
I dated a girl (early 20's) a bit about half a year ago, while she was
on a break from her ex relationship.
Classic rebound relationship. She doesn't like you for you, but instead likes you for the temporary emotional void that you are filling.
She loves both of us
No she doesn't.
but she says that she'll eventually love to ...
41
The problem isn't that she's not cleaning...
The real problem here is that you don't like the work you have to do.
It sounds like your partner doesn't realize how big a problem this is for you. As such, I'd opt for a straightforward conversation as a solution.
How to talk about it
Find a time you're both calm (maybe when you're at her place) and tell her ...
31
This sounds complicated, and I've been in her position and it is not an easy one.
When I was in my early 20's I was in a controlling and verbally abusive relationship. My father was similar toward myself and my mother, so it was the "norm" for me. I was definitely unable to break out of that for a long time, and it took someone saying to me that I needed ...
19
Actually I think much of your situation is ancillary detail. You'd likely have the same issues if you lived together full time.
You're still talking about two common issues in relationships:
How to reconcile different systems of values
and
How to peaceably negotiate mutually acceptable resolutions.
Recognize that you and your partner have ...
17
Let's take a quick look at some of the things that happened and their inherent implications to your situation.
. . . and confronted her in front of all her friends . . .
This was a big mistake. You made a personal situation between you and her a situation with everyone. This is going to severely upset and likely embarrass her. Understand that what you ...
15
In my experience, the only real apology that matters is changed behavior.
This is something that I have been on both sides of. Apologies with written or spoken words, gifts, gestures, etc. are nice in the moment, but soon become meaningless if someones behavior is repeated.
I have always overreacted on him the past few months and he has
blocked me countless ...
14
Firstly, you're going to love Nottingham. It's a great place to study/live. There are plenty of things for you both to do when your girlfriend visits.
When I studied in London, my girlfriend at the time moved from London to study in Nottingham.
We made a deal to try and visit each other once a month, she went to London and I went to Nottingham. We both ...
9
I met my wife when we were both in our late twenties. While meeting someone after you've established a stable home life gives a lot of advantages, one of the disadvantages is it's harder work to learn to compromise domestically. What you've been doing for years has worked for you - so it's tougher to learn to change eating/cleaning/laundry/etc habits than ...
8
My current girlfriend and I started off long distance (Antwerp to Auckland, which is about as far as a long distance relationship can get). We spent about 9 months with feelings for each other while still limited to Skype.
Most of my answer is based on issues we encountered, or things we should've approached differently.
Should we have a schedule where ...
6
I think this is a very personal decision based on the maturity of the relationship and your communication styles. I have been in a long distance relationship for 2.5 yrs (friends for 2 yrs before that - also long distance, after the first couple months).
We rarely ever schedule a time to talk! The only instances I can think of were:
One of us was traveling,...
6
Online friendships are surprisingly resistant to downtime. Unless you've left the person "on read" when they were expecting a follow up from you, chances are they won't think you've ghosted them at all.
If that has happened, then it's better start fresh with a greeting and inform them of the incident, then ask them what has happened of interesting on their ...
6
I've been in an identical situation and it was torture, so I'm sorry for the painful and energy draining situation you're in. I know her regular contact makes it all worth it, but there's a far better way to go about this, for both you and her. My best advice, and the only thing that helped me after over a year of us being stuck in this situation, was this:
...
5
Adding another answer because the answers so far concentrate on how without first considering why she may be exhibiting this behaviour.
She probably still feels like she is a guest in your flat. As such, she may not want to presume to initiate cleaning herself. She may feel she lacks agency or incentive to clean. I know I've slipped into the routine of "I'm ...
5
One of my children moved literally to the opposite side of the world - it takes equal time to fly there going either east or west from my house. 4 of my siblings have moved thousands of miles from their parents, at least for a while. And my parents moved thousands of miles away from their parents when I was just a few months old. I have experience with many ...
4
So, your behavior in the past has been at issue by your admission. How has it been so? Have you mildly overreacted or gone nuclear?
It seems like this latest outburst is the nuclear option as far as your SO is concerned. You accused him of seeing you as a friend and not a girlfriend. That's a pretty serious accusation. I've never been accused of that, but ...
4
I’ve learned that telling people I disagree about something is always going to carry the chance of upsetting them. It’s just going to be a risk; whether or not it’s worth it is up to you and your considerations.
If you do decide to tell them, and feel they’re open enough, they’ll listen to your concerns. They might disagree with it, but trust and bonds are ...
4
Something you could do is that a few weeks after both of you settled and began your activities (so you can have an idea of what your weekly timetable will look like), is to contact your girlfriend and find together a time that suits you best to phone/Skype/whatever. I understand your concerns about how boring it is to plan your chatting, but according to my ...
3
As far as cooking, my fiance and I have evolved a pretty simple system: one person cooks, the other person cleans up. Sometimes we cook together but even then it's pretty clear who did the lion's share of the work. It works out really nicely because whoever is a little tired from work and cooking sits back and reads or whatever while the other person ...
3
You disagree with something your friend is going to do and you would like to warn her that she is probably making a bad decision.
First, I would recommend to not be so blunt. People don't like when someone else is disagreeing with them, even more when the disagreement is about their life (and does not or has very little impact on the other person).
What I ...
2
There have been a decent number of really rational responses here and my take on this is a little different.
You're trying to "fix" her. You can't. I have my doubts that's it's even possible for one person to fix another. It sounds like you've tried a range of approaches and all have failed. To me, this only strengthens my opinion that you can't fix people....
1
I've been in your shoes.
I moved from Brazil when I was 30 and until then I lived far away from my parents (we're from the countryside of São Paulo, I lived in Rio for about 6 years) and visited them usually on long weekends or they came down to visit for a couple days up to a week - they're significantly older than your parents and I'm their only child.
I ...
1
Yes, this is possible, lots of people have deep friendships online. I have personal experience with this because I was homeschooled for many years and didn't have many opportunities to make friends in person, so I made friends online. I still talk to some of those people today, some of them attended each other's weddings, etc. I've also turned to it again as ...
1
My problem is that she gives me some very vague and contradictory answers to some questions, and they are sometimes opposite to her actions.
I have found people's actions to be more reliable than their words at indicating what someone truly wants / believes. I was in a similar situation to you where I knew someone who claimed they wanted to be with me, but ...
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