441

I don't think you can. I'll lay out why I think this is the case: The relationship you describe with Katie sounds exactly like any new romance except for the fact that you are both currently married to other people. You, personally, feel that there is romantic potential in the relationship. Except for your current marriage, you expect you would have the ...


259

From everything you've written here, it seems perfectly reasonable that your wife would be feeling jealous. Your wife is jealous because everything you are doing looks like cheating, regardless of how pure your intentions are. If you want to convince your wife that you two are just friends, it doesn't come down to saying the right things to your wife. It ...


236

Close friendships are wonderful. Right now, you are putting a lot of time and energy into your friendship with Katie, and you are both enjoying the benefits of that effort. A proportionate investment in your marriage will help it to be more stable and fulfilling, for both you and your wife, which should in turn lessen concerns about cheating. Most spouses ...


200

I'll be honest with you. You sound like you're judging someone else's choices by your own standards, rather than what might be best for them, and what they consider to be their priorities. Moreover, you come across as a bit of a snob who perhaps has judged the woman by superficial qualities. She might be much more intelligent than you think but just doesn'...


173

Yeah, fraud is what I call "Not a good thing". The feds aren't pleasant about that particular one. She apparently won't talk seriously about this, so follow her lead: don't talk seriously about it. She mentions getting married to commit visa fraud, you treat it the same way: as a joke. "haha! Yeah, that'd be hilarious! We can do prison time together! ...


166

I am like your husband, and I am also an engineer. We are expected to fix things. It makes us happy because our brains are wired that way. Also we think that is what is expected from us when people come with problems, that fixing them will help them since fixing things is our job. That is the engineer part of him taking over his way of thinking, tell him he ...


123

By having a long, hard talk with Katie about what your relationship is. It's going to suck, believe me. But you seem totally oblivious to the fact that you're having a full-blown emotional affair. If Katie is as oblivious as you, then you need to work together to figure out where the social line is and how you can get back to your own sides. If she's not ...


90

My solution (if I am in a bad mood) was to simply ask back Why should I? the only answer "because it is tradition", to which I respond "SO?" I have been married 25 years now, it is amazing how well this works, as long as you have the attitude to go with it. We have given the kids my surname as a middle name like I thought they did in Spain but turns ...


87

I have found that answers which detail an absurd situation that would prompt you leaving her often lighten up the situation, while pointing out that nobody can be 100% sure of the future. Wife, I love you with all of my heart and I don't anticipate our relationship failing, but I would probably leave you if you started murdering all of our neighbors pets ...


86

This does sound like a case for couples' therapy, or single therapy for her with some joint session, because her trust has been deeply broken before. Think about it: The man she loved cheated on her, and to add to this, it was with her sister! That is at least one, possibly two, deep trusts broken in one fell swoop! Even if she keeps reminding herself that ...


85

It sounds like your wife is having what is often called an emotional affair. Even though it is just talk, the heart is involved. I say this not to escalate the situation, but because it is important you understand the situation in order to address it. I very much admire your stance to "be a better husband". Too many people give up on relationships at the ...


75

I am one of those engineering males and married to an engineer, so I am rather familiar with the situation you describe (In fact, I had to check a few of your specific examples to make sure you weren't actually my wife before posting!!). My personal opinion is that the kind of interaction you are looking for is something that's easier for female engineers ...


56

I see there are several answers already, but I feel mine takes a slightly different approach to answering, which is to not explain why at all. If you want to do something and you are free to do it and you plan to do it, that's really all of the story anyone needs. Why are you planning on keeping your name when you marry/shaving your head? Because I want to. ...


51

Your wife went ahead and made an optional purchase of a pet, knowing that it absolutely terrified you. She made this purchase with no consideration at all of how much emotional pain this would inflict on you. This is a big deal. You are right to be angry. I don't believe in a loving relationship a spouse would go ahead and do such a thing. Even though ...


49

I have a radically difference experience with this having traveled all over the US and now live in a foreign country. First, I believe the framing of this question is incorrect, so I'm going to present some background information first. This is almost as different as a dialect issue between different areas. In some parts of the country, people say "soda" ...


48

You appear to be taking your spouse's statements and requests at face value, but in my experience, statements and requests like this from a SO often mean something quite different than their direct content. You cited: "I'm afraid you'll leave me some day." "If you're ever thinking of leaving me, tell me immediately." This kind of ...


45

I know this is more of an anti-answer, but I think it's an important Interpersonal Skill to identify the difference between knowledge and feeling. How can you convince her? You can't. Here's why: Jealousy is an emotion! You can't change someone's emotions. Emotions don't adhere to logic and reasoning. Emotions are embedded in human psychology. Think ...


45

My experience is that when you and your co-parent have differing values about something that impacts the children, but it isn't a life-or-death matter, it's better to consistently model your own values yourself than to attempt to change your spouse. Assuming you're a constant, significant presence in your children's lives, they will get an adequate exposure ...


44

To answer the question: you can't. The other answers go into good detail on why you can't and I agree with them, so I won't repeat everything they said here (for more detail see the points made by the other answers), but to summarize, what you're doing is an emotional affair whether intended or not, so there is no way to convince your wife otherwise. ...


41

You're already doing a great job presenting your arguments for teaching the kids to say 'please' here, and you've also shown understanding that your wife may not even deliberately not say 'please'. So, there's a pretty good chance that your wife will understand if you talk to her about it, and adapt her behaviour, naturally, with a few reminders. This might ...


40

I come from The Netherlands. Let me assure you that joking about relationships/weddings is very common here as well, since (at least in my area) people are usually married by their mid-twenties. Just as you, I get a lot of jokes about my lack of interest in any relationship. Here's what I have done about it: Not responding seriously at all. When a family ...


39

The first thing you need to ask her is: "Does she seriously want to lose weight?". There are people who realize that they are overweight, but do not consider it an issue which is serious enough to change their lifestyle. That's their decision (and so is yours to leave your partner when you no longer feel physically attracted to them, but that's just by-the-...


39

If you get asked the question why, then you have to give some kind of answer, otherwise you're just ignoring them, which isn't your goal. Your answer needs to be succinct, truthful, and not leave the door open for any further questioning. Most people do not like their own values challenged, so if your answer manages to give them something new to think about ...


38

Even when I could point out some irregularity in her diet, I just can't say it without sounding rude. ...All in all, my goal is to help her in the long run, because it has gone too far. Decide what is more important to you, having her as a partner here and now, and enjoying that partnership, or making her unhappy, or ending the relationship. It seems to me ...


38

Her wanting to see her family for Christmas is reasonable, and I would suggest avoiding approaching this as a zero-sum game where one person has to "get" the visit they want around Christmas and therefore the other has to "lose." (I think you are already doing a pretty good job of this and have clearly taken into consideration the different valuation you ...


38

An important factor in any relationship is mutual appreciation. Not feeling like your partner values you or what you do to try and benefit both of you is extremely disheartening, and in my opinion something that should be restored in your relationship. Restoring appreciation Your husband does not seem to understand that your work is demanding, too. Sure, ...


35

Unless you're God, you can't know what's in a person's heart. And if you are God, you probably aren't asking people on the internet for advice. How do you know she wants a green card? You really don't. However, one thing jumps out at me pretty quickly. "If you love me, you'd..." I've dated women that have said that, and it's always been manipulation to ...


33

Suzy, you need to listen to me for a moment: I don't feel good about this idea and neither do I support it now, nor will I support it at any point in the future. You have to talk about this with someone else. This leaves no room for being misunderstood and if she is trying to "sidestep" it you can simply continue to say this. It might feel a bit rude, but ...


Only top voted, non community-wiki answers of a minimum length are eligible