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162

The only way this is rude is your belief that a programmer is better than a tech [you mention it feels like a minimization of your job when people think you're a tech.] I don't mean you're rude to believe that , but if you do believe that, then correcting people, "I'm not that lesser thing, I'm this superior thing" can feel rude. Solution: speak as though ...


118

Judging by the answers already given, I'm apparently alone in that I find the whole thing kind of...funny? I'm picturing putting myself in the girlfriend's shoes. My boyfriend sits me down, very seriously, to tell me he needs to talk. I obviously fear the worst. Then he tells me that for 9 months I've been buying him books by the wrong author. I've spent ...


105

and made it as clear as I could that it was going to be just the two of us and that it's not going to be like our regular interactions. This sounds to me like you did not explicitly mention the word 'Date'. If there is a reason why you absolutely could not do that, please tell me and don't read the rest of the answer. I'm a girl, and bad at taking hints. ...


87

I have found that answers which detail an absurd situation that would prompt you leaving her often lighten up the situation, while pointing out that nobody can be 100% sure of the future. Wife, I love you with all of my heart and I don't anticipate our relationship failing, but I would probably leave you if you started murdering all of our neighbors pets ...


84

All of those examples seem like you're minimizing their feelings. It seems natural that telling them that they're going to do better eventually would help but, when a person is feeling like a failure, and they tell you about it... if you have the inclination, the better option is to ask them to talk about it more. So, if someone tells you that they're ...


59

It's not exactly an interpersonal solution, but many places offer free and reduced cost animal services. Here's one for the UK: http://www.cats.org.uk/what-we-do/neutering/financial-assistance that appears to offer FREE, £5 AND £10 neutering As far as an interpersonal solution goes I would probably drop the matter. If anything I would advise Lily to ...


59

My grandmother acts like this, too. It has happened enough that my parents generally gave up trying to discuss it, and simply make a decision, thereby calling her bluff. For example: A: Do you want to go to this restaurant for dinner? B: Oh, I would, but it's far away, I'm sure you probably would rather stay home. A: It's fine, I've been looking ...


48

You appear to be taking your spouse's statements and requests at face value, but in my experience, statements and requests like this from a SO often mean something quite different than their direct content. You cited: "I'm afraid you'll leave me some day." "If you're ever thinking of leaving me, tell me immediately." This kind of statement usually ...


43

tl;dr: give the cat to a shelter. Everything in this post refers to "the cat" as the male kitten. The female cat has been around for a while now and doesn't seem to be a problem. Ultimately a deal was struck between John and Lily, with some understanding between you and John about its terms (since it affects you greatly). So far all promises have been ...


42

You can do what I do (A programmer for 40 years, a PhD in Computer Science): Tell the truth. I tell people, depending on the circumstance: I know nothing about configuring Windows or fixing problems with Windows. I know nothing about that program. I know nothing about that hardware. I don't ever use anything like that. I have ...


40

I might have been in a similar situation. I have a health issue that bothers me so I won't go into further detail about it. The reason I mention it is because some times my girlfriend used it to hurt me even though I had asked her to stop it. The last time she did it I said "you know what?, I don't want anything with you anymore". Long story short, she ...


36

She doesn't sound like a very reasonable person. She's certainly not willing to respect any boundaries, and if she really did pull a knife on you, then she's dangerous as well. Trying to talk to her and explain yourself is a lost cause, and frankly, not worth your time. Her bad-mouthing you to your family, however, is a big deal, and one that must be ...


36

To challenge your 'I don't want to break up with her': How do you feel when you are leaving home to spend the weekend with her, do you feel excited to see her or do you feel a bit of anxiety? During the week when you are home by yourself, do you feel like you are kind of waiting for the weekend to be with her again, even if you two don't have anything ...


35

As you have already decided to tell her, be aware that it's definitely the right decision, though it should have happened earlier. Also be aware that she will be hurt to some degree. With that said, let's go on to how to tell her: Pick a calm situation so both of you can talk about it longer than 5 minutes. Make sure that there is enough time for both of ...


34

While I think it would be best to give them time, I am about to go on extended work leave and feel that if I don't try to resolve the issue now, the friendship will completely wither and die by the time I return. Your first instinct is correct. Give her time and space. You apologized. The ball is in her court. If she wants a friendship with you, she'll ...


31

When people are venting, they need to hear that you're accepting and listening to them. You've already recognized that "I know" probably isn't the best way, so let's think about how we can voice this without saying "I know". Validate them & show you're listening. Tell them that they're right, not that you've already heard it. Make it clear that you're ...


30

This sort of depends on what you're asking and how your company is designed. At my company, our IT staff are the only people with the permissions to add or change hardware/software. This means that it's easy to tell anyone asking for help with this sort of thing: I actually can't help you with that because I don't have the system permissions to do what ...


28

All the answers thus far seem to focus on verbal communication, which is a terribly blunt instrument when it comes to actually seeming human in your interactions. I'd strongly advise against trying to sneak the word "date" into your ask, and instead offer some different advice. A fundamental difference between how men and women tend to communicate, whether ...


28

Adding onto what Tinkeringbell said, some people will assume that if someone of the opposite gender asks them to dinner, or a movie, or coffee, or some other date-like activity, alone, that that implies the activity will be a date. However, most will not! In my experience, whenever I ask someone out of the same gender, I try to explicitly state that it ...


28

I want to tell my friend about my privacy concerns without risking to reduce the strength of our friendship. I would tell them the truth. If they are really your friends, they'll understand. Your life, your rights, your privacy, your choice! Be clear about that. "NO" is sometimes a complete sentence. I also don't want my friend to feel awkward taking ...


23

This answer started as a response to this comment, but I realized it does in fact address the question: "By the time you have 3 one on ones when in the past it was group stuff she should figure it out." Well, that certainly does not work for me. The more I go out one-on-one with a person, the more I assume that we are 'just friends' if nobody ever ...


22

Without hearing the actual intonation it's hard to know, but it is possible that the "I don't know why" has two interpretations: one is the offensive one that you're thinking of, but it could also mean "I don't know what awesome thing that you did for X, but they were really impressed with you". Is it possible that the boss actually means it in the second ...


20

I like those those answers mentioning charity services which can sterilize cats for free. If such are not available, you will have to either (a) give up one cat for adoption to another household, or (b) enjoy you some kittens. This is because Lily is unlikely to step up on this. She knows what she agreed to, and just isn't doing it. It kind of confuses ...


20

Don't make promises - reassure by reminding her of how the two of you work together As somebody with similar traits to your wife, I can only speak for what has worked in my relationship to help me feel more secure and reduce my need for constant reassurance. The main thing that can make a difference is not just hearing an empty promise (which you are also ...


19

Having seen this happen with friends of mine, and having it happen myself, I can say that waiting this long is, in itself, a problem. She is probably going to be upset with you, so just prepare yourself for that. I recommend waiting until this comes up again or find a way to work it into the conversation, and then just say something like: It is so sweet ...


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