Hot answers tagged

250

I'm very sorry but your loans are in fact gifts. What you describe is actually you filling the gap in their spending pattern. That gap will not close, ever. Consecutive 'loans' without mention of previous debts or payback means no payback is intended by the 'loaner'. Your money is lost. Don't worry about politeness. Apparently your money is theirs. And ...


239

As someone who has been the boyfriend in this scenario, tell him. I can completely understand your concerns but you need to find out sooner rather than later. What if he treats me differently? He might, and you need to know as soon as possible. In my situation the person had the same career as myself but had some spectacularly lucky (wise?) investments ...


186

What a sad turn of events and potentially a sour note to end her time abroad and to leave friendships on, I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. My first reaction is to wonder what is behind her move, and I think that how you deal with it may depend on what has prompted her action. The situation, as you have explained it, is that she is preparing to ...


185

Just don't If you're paying $15 as a tip on a $55 hair cut, that's a total of $70 per haircut. You've flat out said other hairstylists are charging more than that for the same basic work. Except this girl knows you, what you like, what looks good on you. You're looking at risking this mutually beneficial relationship over 10 bucks a haircut. In Manhattan. ...


184

I'd be direct but offer him the opportunity to still come clean on his own. Maybe something like: Hey, I heard from the buyer that the money was transferred to your account. Would you be able to double check and see if you missed the transaction last time you checked? If not, we should call them back and see what's going on. This allows your cousin to ...


145

You need to say "no" to Anne while minimizing damage to the friendship. That's hard, but you can convey that you care, gently let her down, and look for alternatives. In this particular case it might even be a little easier, because you're probably not the only invitee who can't afford to make the trip. I recommend something like this: Anne, I'm really ...


128

This reminds me of a short story in Mandarin, roughly translated as such: A guy always gave a handout to a beggar near his home. When he was single, he gave five dollars. After he married, he gave three dollars. Once he had his first child, he reduced the handout to one dollar. When that happened, the beggar yelled angrily : "How could you give my money ...


116

Phone your stepmother. (As suggested by Martijn: You might want to ask someone to sit with you for this conversation. If you start 'giving in', that person can keep you from doing so.) Tell her politely that you also want to get the insurance thing done as soon as possible. Ask her to send you the insurance documents in the mail or drop them off in your ...


110

New parameters = new deal. When he first offered to sublet his apartment, it was the FULL room/space with all amenities at your OWN benefit. Which is obviously not the case anymore. No matter what the law says (and IANAL), you can still nicely ask him what's the new deal. And see how he'll react. Don't make a fuss about it. But explain that, as the ...


103

You are going to upset them. For years you have been visiting this person, paying the same amount for the same service. Now you are wanting to cut their tip in half because you found out your friend stiffs their hairdresser. There is no way to present this to your hairdresser that isn't upsetting. Moralizing aside you can't randomly start paying someone ...


98

I used to be a member of the Austin film community - rife with "working for credit". Part of why I found a job that isn't like this is that I really, really didn't like being in exactly the position you're in. I completely agree that it can be really uncomfortable to ask this but it's important for you to value your own time - you only have so much of it, so ...


95

They are happy to come and visit you and stay in your home, so evidently they are okay with accepting your hospitality. An approach that may well work is if you present the arrangement not as a gift, but as an extension of your hospitality. After all, if you had a bigger home they would be able to stay with you - but a bigger home would cost you more money, ...


93

If he's the type of person who will treat you differently once he knows, it might be good to know this sooner rather than later. You say, He often offers to pay for things and I try to go halfsies with him because I feel bad, but he sometimes insists because he's the guy. [emphasis mine] I suggest that you take him out to dinner. Nowhere above his pay ...


88

Postpone. Schedule the celebration before your friends do, to a date when you'll have money, preferably payday to keep the celebration's purpose, meaning and excitement. Let's go celebrate on my first payday, it will be awesome! As a friend, I would respect that and I think your friends will respect that too, a nice additional gesture to reinforce the ...


85

I would be straight-forward and direct about it. Simply state the facts: I am very happy for you and I am honored that you've asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I don't have the financial resources nor the vacation days available to allow me to attend. Please accept my regrets. NOTE: in the world of manners, you do not owe your friend anything for ...


84

I feel like I have been cheated, as I offered to pay for the hotel because I thought they wanted to be frugal on the trip. I'd like to challenge this. Think about it from your friends point of view. In the initial discussion of the trip, they did not find staying in the nice hotel to be important enough to warrant spending $300. They offered an alternative (...


83

At the bottom, this is someone asking you to do them a favor, and a stranger at that. You can choose to do something, but it is not impolite to not do so. There is nothing wrong with saying, "sorry, no," and leaving it at that. You are under no compulsion to give them a reason or explain yourself. Re "isn't saying 'sorry' lying?": it's phatic shorthand for ...


83

The varying amounts which your girlfriend is being charged, combined with the emotional guilt tripping ("not a good daughter" if she doesn't pay up) lead me to believe that this is an exploitative relationship, and not one meant to simply instill financial responsibility on her. You seem to have reached much the same conclusion. While other answers describe ...


81

how can I let my date know to stop asking me to lend her money? Next time she asks, explain it just like you did here: I'm sorry, but no. I don't like the idea of lending people money unless they are family, so I'd prefer it if you didn't ask again. Leave out the 'really needed' part though, she might start playing on that if she knows. Don't invent ...


75

People of low financial means often take money issues much more seriously than those who have money. Take it from me; I grew up in a very low income household and accepting money from people, especially friends or family, has always been incredibly difficult, or at least noteworthy. To your girlfriend, your offer is much more serious than it is to you. If ...


74

I've been in your friends' position. The way the benevolent benefactor made me feel comfortable was to set bounds. Consider it from your friends' point of view. "He's invited me, but I know this stuff is expensive. I don't want to be a burden and then find out he thinks I overshot, me being a 'big eater' and all. Is it safe to get that dragon roll after ...


72

I experienced this too, in addition to the charities that I wanted to make donations to. I am adding this because it is very similar to you. I learned to allocate a percentage of my income to a fund that I labelled "Donations". When the donation budget was empty, I would tell people just that, but that I would add their name/cause to my next months one. ...


70

Unrealistic expectations are just that: unrealistic. It is unfortunately common that our expectations don't actually align with reality, and someone has to bring us down to Earth. Ultimately, you want to help your wife adjust her expectations, but this is not an easy thing to do. There is a difficult conversation that needs to be had. As a consultant, I ...


69

Firstly, he seems annoyed. He probably knows you're at least somewhat correct, but at this point you comes across more as a know-it-all vibe than good intentions. The fact that he is annoyed makes sense: It's his money and you're telling him how he should spend it (or actually, to save it). How would you feel if he kept telling you to "spend more money, ...


69

This is my premise: A roommate has the right to be sparing and conservative with their spending A roommate has the right to spend their money as they please, as long as they meet their agreed-upon contributions to the household I presume that there is a slight difference in economic status among the roommates. This will cause inevitable disagreements. If ...


66

It's possible that your family will see you as a "cash cow" until your udders go dry (when you buy your house and go into some debt yourself, or have other financial responsibilities, like children.) It's time to start setting boundaries with your family. Expect them to balk, and loudly. But if you truly want to reach your own goals, this needs to stop. ...


62

There are two possible situations of this kind. The first is, he got the ticket in the line of duty. E.g., he had to park in the "wrong place" to unload your furniture, and got a ticket as a result. The second was he got the ticket outside of the line of duty. He ran the traffic light on his own, with no need to, and no prompting from you. In the first ...


56

Write a kind letter, expressing appreciation for the gift. It is very thoughtful of your grandfather to try to eliminate some of the hassles involved in the distribution of his estate after he passes. You can at least say that much (just the thoughtful part, not why) truthfully. In the US, a thank you note is not considered enough if all it says is "thank ...


55

The advice to write it off is good. I'd rather frame it differently, though. I would consider "forgiving the loan". In writing it off, you sustain a net loss. We might be mincing words, but in forgiving the loan, it's a net gain, because you have displayed a degree of generosity in the process, and generosity is a much better feeling than resentment. If you ...


55

Borrow or give? If she wants to borrow money you could lend her a tenner sometime if you're feeling generous, as it's not that large an amount. Don't ask for it back, consider it a gift (but don't say that to her). Then when she invariably asks you if she can borrow money again in the future, you can say, "Sorry, I lent you ten pounds last time, and you ...


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