Hot answers tagged

164

You are right to be bothered by this. Not specifically because she goes through your phone, but because you explicitly told her you do not want her to go through your phone, and she did it anyway. The real problem is your partner broke your trust, not the means by which she did so. The most important parts of relationships are communication and trust. By ...


136

How I would normally respond is: "Enough to pay the bills" This way, they'll get that you're unwilling to disclose this information, they'll also know you earn enough to get by. You should reply with a polite undertone which insinuates that you're saying it in a way that you haven't taken offence to the question, either. As @Emrakul rightly points ...


76

I'm always reminded of my sage uncle's answer to such rude, inappropriate questions: If you'll forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for asking This answer is on-target because it clearly advises the "asker" of the question that it was not appreciated, and simultaneously yet implicitly explains why you won't be answering


75

You have a great start in your question. "Thank you for asking. As you can imagine, this is hard for all of us. I'm going to respect her privacy by not giving out any information other than what is publicly available; I'm sure you can appreciate our desire for privacy right now," I'd also take up the practice of responding slowly to these requests. They ...


68

I have had a similar problem in the past. Your landlord is disregarding your privacy as well as your rights as a tenant. They know that what they are doing is illegal, and still, they do it. They may own the building, but when they lease it, they forego rights to occupy the space without your consent (barring extreme cases). That being said, I feel ...


57

You don't really need to beat around the bush here. Something friendly yet remindful will work, like I've noticed you've been entering the caretaker's room without knocking and without her consent. She's an employee of ours and has a reasonable expectation of privacy, as this is as much her home as her workplace. You wouldn't want someone to enter your ...


48

You're very much right. Her going through your phone, to me shows a lack of trust. Which is the foundation of any romantic relationship. I would simply use your information security and encryption magic and encrypt the device, or simply put a passcode onto your phone and change it regularly. Instead, you could sit down and communicate any information she ...


42

You are in a challenging spot that pretty much every adult can identify with - you feel like an adult, you want to have adult responsibilities and the ability to make adult decisions, yet you're still legally a child and feel like your parents have too much control over you. You really have 2 options here. Option 1 is to let the narrative happen. Option 2,...


36

When I faced a serious health crisis (I may have come within a day or two of dying; I certainly would have died over a year ago if not for an experimental treatment) I asked a handful of close friends and family members to "run interference" on communication. Basically I would give one update, and everyone else had to ask their "point person" if they had ...


33

I do feel like I should somehow inform him that all this stuff is publicly available. I would do what someone did to me once (after breaking into a server I was renting and that had been badly protected by the admin): inform. The guy who stepped in left at the root level a *.txt note saying that he had found a security breach. He touched nothing else. ...


32

Show them that you have nothing to hide. This seems like it might be an issue of trust - or a lack thereof - between your parents and you. To be honest, their feelings are understandable. Families try to be open with one another, especially in the case of parents and children. When someone does something in what appears to be an attempt to shut themselves ...


32

In the UK, it is incredibly rude to directly ask someone how much they earn. I wouldn't even expect to be asked by my own parents. It's not necessary to make light of the situation or play it off with humour. You can just respond with I prefer not to say. Or That's not something I talk about. You wouldn't be considered rude by refusing the answer the ...


28

I want to tell my friend about my privacy concerns without risking to reduce the strength of our friendship. I would tell them the truth. If they are really your friends, they'll understand. Your life, your rights, your privacy, your choice! Be clear about that. "NO" is sometimes a complete sentence. I also don't want my friend to feel awkward taking ...


26

You mention that this guy isn't actually the sole landlord. In this situation I recommend that you "talk to the organ grinder, not the monkey"; that is speak to the person that is really in charge, not just their representative. So if he just works for them then you need to find somebody higher. Speak to, or write to someone senior in the company and state: ...


22

I think there are three aspects to this: Privacy - there is an expectation in many cultures that your diary, phone, journal etc. are private, so anyone accessing them without your explicit permission is breaching an unspoken rule. (and I'm with you on this - I have been in the Infosec industry for nearly 18 years, and have a strong focus on privacy and ...


21

I'm a physician, and people often think that as a result, I make a ton of money. Some people let their curiosity get the better of them and ask me how much I make. I usually say, Not nearly as much as you'd think; enough to get by and to take a decent vacation once in a while, but not enough to have saved for our kids' college tuitions! That's gonna hurt! ...


20

I had a friend who worked in IT, this sort of thing ended up being a surprisingly large part of her job. Luckily she found it hilarious to have to clean up the hard drives after people weren't as cautious as they should have been with a shared device. When it's a shared device it's a little easier to handle. When passing out devices she could simply remind ...


18

(I've been in all the parts of this dynamic over the decades.) Do not worry about "bringing up bad memories." When you see your friend, tell him you are glad to see him. And mean it. If he wants to talk about what happened and how he feels, he will. Do not check up on him later "you don't still want to kill yourself do you?" but do check in: are you ok? ...


16

In my experience, people tend to get defensive when confronted directly and may not respond as well as you might want. While you do need to let her know her behaviour is unacceptable, I would recommend a less confrontational approach: a group email. By sending an email to your wife, your friend and your friend's wife, you can phrase the request in a more ...


15

If you don't want to be too direct, you could mention that you always use "private mode" for sensitive information (e.g. online banking or work related emails). This way, if your phone gets stolen or infected with malware, it would make identity theft harder. You could adapt the explanation to the situation. The story doesn't need to be 100% factually ...


14

Being a developer myself I'm often in this situation and it all depends on "who's asking" maybe it's someone who doesn't think it's a big deal because of their culture. In any case, it's custom that the person asking provides their information first (Asia for example) so just ask back "Why, how much do you make?" that way they can answer honestly if ...


14

If you don't talk about this, she will continue this behavior and it might be difficult to change it later. Since you're saying that you're closer to that couple, you should talk about it with either your friend or his wife. Though, it is better to talk with his wife if you and her are also close and she also respects you. If you are about to talk about it ...


13

baldPrussian makes some excellent points. What you need to do is negotiate with your parents to find a mutually beneficial solution, one that gives you additional privacy but gives your parents assurance that you're not doing anything that will affect your health or safety. They are still legally responsible for you and more importantly they love you and ...


12

I think getting to why you want such privacy could help. Everyone likes their privacy but many don't feel the need to always have their door shut and have the intimate privacy you're looking for. Personally, I like my me time as in just me, myself, and I with no one else around or near me. Going into my room and closing the door cuts off everyone else in ...


11

Adding to the other answers with a point which in my opinion is very important and still missing: By going through your private messages your SO does not only violates your privacy (which has already been covered) but also the other person's privacy. Just because you may share anything with her does not mean everyone you message with does so as well. If a ...


10

I think TMI usually relates to either the sharer's lack of a social filter or their overestimation of affinity. Basically they will tend to blurt things out to just about anyone or they consider you to be a very close friend that they can talk to about such matters. I think that's why the term "TMI" was created. It gives people a short gentle way of saying ...


10

Enough to get by, but not as much as I'd like This is a slight variation to yours, but often the one I would use if I am not comfortable disclosing pay to strangers, friends or family. It has a nice "I am doing good, but not Bill Gates rich" feel to it. Alternatively, a friend of mine loves using: Not enough to sort from high to low Explanation: ...


Only top voted, non community-wiki answers of a minimum length are eligible