137

If what you are looking for is that such people engage in conversation, why not use their sad-face/pleading as a jumping off point for that conversation yourself? Instead of saying 'That might work with some losers....', why not say something like Does that usually work for you? There are two ways it can go from there, either they will be puzzled and you ...


105

In my dating experience, I've found that prying too much about a topic I take an opposing stance on has been problematic. For example, I met someone who was "420 friendly", so to speak, and began asking them questions to determine how prominent that was in their life. When I ultimately told them I wasn't as big of a fan of it, it ended up coming off ...


34

You have used the tag 'acceptable-behaviour' and I think that is the nub of the question. In the culture of the shared house, prior to your arrival, this clearly was acceptable behaviour to all the housemates, and continues to be acceptable to others. Note, they may not approve of it necessarily, but they are accepting of it. I think this means that you ...


34

As some other answers mention, it's easy enough to get a conversation in exchange for a cigarette: just be straight forward "I will trade one cigarette for one conversation". It seems, however, that you want the other person to actually be interested in the conversation, and not treat the conversation as a requirement, chore, or something that can be beaten. ...


28

I realize this answer may be more of a 'hack' than what we typically want in an answer for IPS but I was in a very similar situation and this worked wonders so I really wanted to write it. Buy a bunch of ashtrays, openly tell Sarah that you have bought these ashtrays with your own money so that she can use them rather than the bowls and then place a few at ...


27

How can say to someone that I'm willing to share as long as he/she's willing to do some conversation without sounding too snobbish? Honestly you really can't and you seem to be misunderstanding the usual etiquette of asking for cigarettes... Someone asking for a cigarette isn't obligated to entertain you with conversation and most certainly isn't obligated ...


23

I should probably start off this answer by admitting that I'm a smoker. I've quit and started again more times than I can count over the years, it's honestly one of the hardest addictions to break. Trust me on that, I know... As far as being supportive of someone who's trying to kick an addiction, often the best thing you can do is celebrate their successes,...


22

In a word: Don't. Don't date them. No matter what anecdotes you may hear about people accommodating nonsmoking partners, the fact is that a smoker will always smell of smoke, and is unlikely to stick with "no smoking inside"-type rules, either out of laziness or severe addiction. The root problem here is that you appear to fear that losing this ...


21

I smoke like a chimney, and to be honest I'm not always entirely considerate about the rules in my country. I wouldn't smoke on a bus or a plane, but if I'm outdoors... Ya... I should probably work on that... My general assumption when people hassle me about smoking is that they just don't like it. Usually the worst cases are former smokers on crusade. ...


21

Asking if it's ok seems completely appropriate, particularly if you're in someone else's home or car. Even though there may be a reduced health risk, most vape products have an odor that other people may not appreciate, and that smell may linger. It may just be my perspective, but when making changes to a shared atmosphere it's appropriate to ask. Even ...


19

Don't pass judgement on their request, or their methodology. That's a dick move. It's important to remember that by changing from you giving them cigarette to you trading a cigarette for conversation you are changing the nature of the relationship. You will be re-framing the interaction from one between friends or at least friendly strangers, to a ...


12

I've very rarely bummed cigarettes. However, the thing is, if I do bum a cigarette, I feel like I'm already importuning somebody and the politest possible thing I can do is not bother them any further. But if I asked someone if he had a cigarette to spare, and he said something as simple as, "Sure, want to hang out and chat with me while we smoke," that ...


11

Spending too much time around smoke can also give me a headache. Yes, I have a really sensitive nose. That's a reasonable point that you can bring up when discussing it with her. If it seriously affects you in that way, your date will most likely be understanding about the situation and make compromises. My grandma was an avid smoker and still is up to ...


10

Has Alice asked you for help giving up? I can identify quite strongly with Alice here. Like Alice I’m quite anxiety prone. I gave up smoking some years ago, a short while after I started a relationship. I knew he didn’t like smoking (loss of partner to cancer) and I wanted to stop anyway. He knew I was a smoker when we met, but I never smoked in front of ...


9

You can't make someone stop smoking. All you can do is ask and apply social pressure to encourage them to change their behavior. Your best bet is to try framing your request as something asked between friendly people. Do you mind putting that out? It's short, polite, and depending on how you say it, casts little judgement upon the character of whoever ...


8

I don't smoke at all, while my girlfriend does. Like you, I really detest the smell of smoke. And since we've been together for almost a year already, I can tell you that a couple of a non smoker and a smoker can exist and be happy. :) For us two, it boiled down to compromise. To get it, it was important to not make it a matter of principle, but a matter of ...


6

In this instance, you could say there are two distinct routes to social activity: 1. Meeting like-minded people through a common interest in a shared activity For example, if you were interested in comics and attended events like comic conventions then you are going to be exposed to people with a common interest. The people you meet aren't going to be ...


6

A few things to get in mind: As a paying tenant you have as much right to be there and to have a say as any of the other paying tenants. Doesn't matter that they have been there longer. Sarah is not a paying tenant and has no rights. Doesn't matter who invites her to be there, while in the shared areas or using shared facilities (like the plates) Sarah is a ...


6

Yesterday a girl asked me if I could give one to her. I said no, so she started looking at me with sad face trying to be cute (which she was) If she expects to snap her fingers and get free stuff just because she exists, this is because it usually works. So, what can you do? Give her a cig. You gain nothing (don't expect any gratitude), you lose a cig. ...


4

You don't need to promise them anything or provide any conditions on which they might get cigarette. If someone comes to you and asks, do whatever your heart tells you at that moment. If you think that person simply wants to get a free cigarette, just say "I am sorry" then smile at them (I mean sincere smile). Don't be rude to them, and don't explain ...


4

I smoked for thirty years. Nothing would help me to stop, if I got patches then I smoked with them too. One day my eight year old daughter got up from her seat in the car and cried out 'dad you are going to die' She was absolutely distressed. I did not notice the smoke billowing out of the window or the ash everywhere in the car. The next day I tried not ...


4

Etiquette for new social phenomena will always be slow to develop. I live in the United States, so your answer may vary, but years ago, I remember people vaping in shopping malls with no restraint, but now those same shopping malls have restrictions against smoking that explicitly includes vaping and e-cigarettes. And yet, I still see people vape in other ...


4

I would try to firmly establish boundaries that you both can live with. This would involve compromising on both your side and hers. Judging from your comment, you can go without smoking for quite some time and even do so for weekends and vacations. That might be a good place to start! You'll have to open with the decision to keep smoking. Maybe even an ...


3

If you want them to earn the cigarette with conversation, start the conversation. Smile, uncross your arms, reach for your pack, and say What's in it for me? Make sure it doesn't sound sarcastic. If you default to sarcasm for a sentence like this, you might want to practice in a mirror or try other phases like Are you sure? There's a price. Ok, but ...


3

I smoke "sometimes", which is to say I smoke a cigar once in a while. It has ranged over my life from most weekends during grad school to once every couple of years. Right now, it's 1-3 times per year. There are other minor details, like keeping cigarillos handy if I'm going to be around heavy cigarette smokers (I find the cigarillo smoke less bothersome, ...


3

I've been in this exact situation and it all panned out great in the end. Basically when my wife and I started dating she smoked, which I hated with a passion, quiet often. I have family members who had died due to smoking which triggered my hatred towards smoking. After explaining this to her, she understood and actually took steps to quit smoking purely ...


3

Firstly you have to ask yourself what's more important to you: your girlfriend's wishes, or your desire to smoke? If you care more about your girlfriend than smoking, then you need to focus on how best to quit. You will probably find that your girlfriend will be very supportive in your efforts. If, on the other hand, you simply do not want to quit smoking -...


2

There is no polite way to ask someone if they smell because of the rain or because they smoke. Either way, you're saying they smell weird, and that will always be offensive. If that's your only reason to ask, then don't do it. If you want to know for some other reason (like to borrow a lighter or have them join you on a smoke break), then ask them what you ...


2

"You know how important it is to me that you could be healthier. I care about you. I also understand how difficult it is to change smoking habits, and I'm willing to keep helping you as much as I can to make it easier for you" Your disappointment is never expressed directly, but your intentions and motives are clear, which also make it clear that not ...


2

I'm a former cigarette smoker, but now do vaping instead. I can tell you without a doubt that smokers have a peculiar relationship to their vice. Ignoring health concerns, a smoker with any sort of self-awareness will be acutely aware of how disgusting it is and how much it stinks. That is, smoking is offensive to the senses of a non-smoker. What has this ...


Only top voted, non community-wiki answers of a minimum length are eligible