Apologizing when you've hurt a stranger's feelings badly

Question

Yesterday in vocational school I (mostly inadvertently) hurt someone's feelings very badly.

In our IT class in vocational school, there is just one girl. She's pretty overweight. I don't know her well at all, essentially only from school, which is only once a week, and even then only in passing.

I have an injury on my left foot. It's not really visible from the outside - the bandage is under my socks and I was wearing normal shoes.

She stepped on my foot. Not on purpose, but it hurt like hell (you can imagine, with an injury on that foot).

So of course I reacted by doubling over in pain. She asked why I was making such a big deal (in hindsight I realize this may have very well looked like I exaggerated it for comedic effect, even though I didn't. I'm not in the habit of announcing my medical problems to my entire class).

In my anger I said something to the effect of:

If you would weigh like 50kgs less, this wouldn't have been such a big deal

I know this was an unacceptable thing to say, and I immediately saw what a grave mistake that was. The rest of the (all male) IT class erupted in laughter, while she sobbed for the rest of the lesson on her seat. When the class was dismissed, she left very quickly without looking at anyone.

I'm looking to make amends. I didn't want to hurt her feelings badly for what was probably a mistake and not intentional.

How do I go about doing this? I have a feeling she's probably unwilling to talk to me at all at this point.

Answer 1

I'm late to this question, but I'd like to take a stab at it.

What you said and did was so painful that I don't think a simple apology and explanation will "make amends".

I am an apology freak, if you want to label it. I think that when you've done real harm, apologies, a request for forgiveness, a promise that you'll try to mend your errant ways, and an offer of restitution should be made.

If you injured her dog by accident, would a simple apology and excuse ("I was talking on my cellphone and didn't see him") do it? Maybe. But an offer to pay the vet bills would be better.

She may not want to talk to you for a while, so I would send her some really nice flowers (not roses) and a long letter of sincere apology. She deserves it.

Explain that you had an injury on that foot already. Explain that you know this came off in front of the whole class as fat-shaming, and that you're horrified that you stooped to that in your pain. Tell her you know that an apology and some flowers can't make up for what you did, and end the letter by saying that you want to make amends, then ask her what you would need to do to make amends.

She's the one you humiliated in front of the class; she's the one who can tell you how to really make amends.

Then, if it's not an anatomically impossible task, do it.

Answer 2

Since you want to apologize, it's very simple. You can go ahead and start a conversation, not loud, and say like,

I apologize for what I said. I already have an injured leg and when you stepped on my foot, it hurt a lot. So, I really didn't mean what I said at that time in pain. I hope you understand.

A simple apology won't hurt and it can set things right. When you apologize, keep it short and simple.

She might be unwilling to talk to you, but you don't know that. So, try it once. Also, make sure to not apologize in public or loudly. This might embarrass her and apologizing might not work.

I have been in pretty much the same situation as yours. Once I had my leg hurt and walked with a limp. I got on a bus and then stood in a corner to avoid the crowd. But a few minutes later, a girl stepped on my foot that increased the pain. So I yelled at her. I got off the bus but I realized that I shouldn't have insulted her as it was not really her mistake.

Next day, I saw her again on the same bus, I thought to apolozige but was hesitating. However, I thought I'd not get another chance again. So I just went and said the same words. She accepted the apology and also apologized by saying that she didn't realize that my leg is hurting until she saw me walking with a limp.

As per the comment by David K, she may or may not accept the apology. So, if she accepts apology, then it's all good, but if she doesn't, then don't bother her.

As per the comment by Kevin, you can also add this instead of "I hope you understand"

It was a terrible thing to say and I'm sorry that I said it.

Answer 3

Like AJ I would also recommend making this no more complicated than it is and apologise.

I do think you didn't just hurt her feelings through what you said, but also the fact that the rest of the class clearly heard what you have said (and found it hilarious).

In addition to making an apology, clearly stating that you said what you said in the heat of the moment. I would suggest you propose that you can help her in class if she ever needs the help and actually ask her if she needs anything in class next time (if she accepts the apology). This also shows, implicitly, to your classmates that what you said was wrong. If you don't think she needs the help, it might be better to ask if you can ask for her help as you admire her skills in class.

If you want to skip the entire helping each other out part. You can make contact during class, just make some small talk (how was your weekend?).

Apologising in public will probably embarrass her more, so I wouldn't recommend that.

Answer 4

Apologize and move on.

Some others suggest that you should offer extra help, or that you've done something that required a quadruple version of an apology. I disagree with that. Correct your mistake and continue. It is not your fault that she is overweight. It is not your fault that it's a very sensitive subject. It was not your fault that the whole class heard.

You did say something hurtful, accidental or not, in response to an accident on her part. You did something that requires an apology, apologize and move on.

Via this same logic, I expect her to apologize for an error on her side. It is not her fault that you have a injury, but she did step on it.

Answer 5

It seems like you realize that you likely hurt her more than she hurt you... If you haven't given that much thought it's worth thinking about before trying to apologize. Given her reaction that probably wasn't the first time someone said something cruel about her weight, and the public embarrassment of the incident coupled with being trapped in a classroom crying afterwards compounds the issue.

I'm not trying to make you feel worse about what you said, but if you're going to apologize for something it helps to grasp and sympathize with the way the other party is likely feeling. It's also important to keep in mind that you apologize to make the other person feel better, not to make yourself feel better.

When you're ready to apologize and you think she's ready to hear your apology, try to be as honest and sincere as you can. It may help to relate a similar situation where you've felt what she was feeling. Being bullied or publicly shamed is a pretty common experience and knowing that you've experienced it too may add some depth to your apology.

I'm not going to give you a script, because you probably shouldn't practice what you're going to say. A practiced scripted apology will probably sound and be received as insincere. It's better to speak from the heart in these situations.

Answer 6

You should apologize in a way that is just as public as the insult was, because it went beyond just you and her. [I am in the USA, but I believe these suggestions would work for you.]

I agree with your assessment that your insult was mostly inadvertent. Unfortunately, this implies that part of your attitude was confrontational. Please don’t get me wrong, I have done something similar to this (or perhaps worse). But I have been straight enough with myself to take this as a learning experience to be a better person. Also as a side note, I felt compelled to publically apologize. I tried to do all that is possible to reduce the extent of the injury to this person.

Your apology should not include just yourself. Your insult was public in the sense that the events unfolded in a way that made everyone in the room notice – and participate in. Unfortunately, you had a role in inducing these boys to collectively insult this woman in manner that made your initial injury exponentially worse.

Suggestions that may work:

• Ask the teacher (beforehand) to have a minute of his time to make an announcement in class. Hopefully, they will allow this.
• In your short announcement, start with “the bottom line up front”. You want to take this opportunity to make an apology.
• Answer her question: you are nursing a foot injury that was not apparent.
• Your response was wrong and inappropriate, and you wish to apologize for your statement.
• You induced others to react in a manner that was also inappropriate. Apologize to her on behalf of the entire class.
• The only person who acted appropriately was her – the injured party. And she should be applauded for that.
• If you deem it appropriate, publically give her a symbolic gift (whose monetary value is not the point so it should not be expensive on purpose). The goal here is to get her to smile at least for a second. It may allow her to remember that when she recalls this incident. What came to mind for me immediately (as an ex-IT guy) was one of those small kits that come in a zippered case containing standard screw drivers, tweezers, fasteners and such that are useful when working on computers.
• At the end of class, shake her hand, one professional to another, to let her know that you respect her place in the classroom and in the profession.

As an additional benefit, this train of thought and actions on my part also allowed me the opportunity to also recall that they smiled after all this. I am almost positive the handshake I got in return was sincere.

Answer 7

This lady knows she is very overweight, and many people have told her that she is very overweight. The answer of @AJ and the comments following the answer give you excellent advice, and I am not going to repeat any of that (except, forget the chocolates.)

One aspect that has not been addressed is that this happened in class, in front of all her classmates. It happened in a place where her brain and how well she can do the work should be more important than how she looks.

You and all the others told her:

No matter how smart and competent you are, the most important thing about you is -- and always will be -- that you are not physically attractive.

Thus you (and a few of your friends) should be thinking about ways in which you can show that you value what she contributes in class, and her potential to be good in her career. For example, do you split up into pairs or groups to do a project? Enlist her in your group and show you appreciate her contributions. Of course, you have probably made her self-conscious about actively participating in class.

The best thing someone can do for this young lady is not to give her flowers (or candy !) but to ask for her help on a technical problem.

Edit in response to comment by @Mandrill: This is a good point. Perhaps one of the offender's friends could approach her, say the offender is a creep and he feels badly about the reaction of the class, but he has noticed she is good at X, and what does she thing about a particular problem? The point is to draw her into the life of the class -- unless all the class does outside of class is drink beer. :)

Answer 8

You wrote,

I didn't want to hurt her feelings badly for what was probably a mistake and not intentional.

Unfortunately I guess you probably did (in the heat of anger) intend to hurt her feelings, which you now regret.

I assume what happened was:

• You were (physically) hurt
• You became angry
• You wanted to hurt her

That (wanting to hurt her) is a fairly normal behavioural strategy (see Tit for tat) -- it's maybe intended to dissuade someone (an "enemy") from hurting you again, and is one of the normal outcomes of anger.

But it (anger and retaliation) is an unskillful (e.g. immature) reaction on your part (and I recommend you unlearn it a.s.a.p., before you use it in your other/intimate personal relationships).

Anyway, when you apologise I recommend you don't say, "I didn't mean it" or "I didn't want to":

• Because it's untrue (I assume you did mean to hurt her, at the time -- that is the reason why you would "lash out")
• Because it isn't true, there's no reason why she should find it a satisfying or helpful (reassuring) apology

Instead explain (or confess) that you were angry (because of whatever the reason was).

---

The next, most important part of an apology is to tell her that it won't happen (i.e. that you won't do that) again.

A reason to remember hurt is maybe to avoid being hurt again (so maybe being told it won't happen again gives her an opportunity to forget the hurt she suffered).

I don't know what to do about the the reaction of the crowd. You might (or might not) say that maybe some of the them laughed because they were embarrassed at your outburst, or that it was wrong of them too to tolerate your bullying.

And I suppose you can ask what you can do to apologise.

Answer 9

So my stance is a pretty extreme one but I remember from when I was in school, being picked on was not fun. Even if someone apologized to me, it didn't help all that much.

Firstly, I would apologize to her. Explain that you had a previous injury and, even though she didn't know about it, she aggravated the injury and it hurt a lot more. Apologize for losing your cool and lashing out, but explain that when she said "Why are you making such a big deal" it further made you lose your temper. I think a very important point here is that she may be picked on with some regularity but she still should have also shown concern for stepping on your foot and apologized in the moment.

Secondly, and this is really dependent on the type of person you are and the type of person she is, I would offer to go in front of the class and make a public apology. This wasn't just you hurting her feelings by calling her fat, this was a public shaming based on her weight that involves several more parties. Again, if she isn't the type to allow for that and would be embarrassed, then you can't do it because it would make the situation worse. However, if she does accept the olive branch you are extending, your apology should be short and simple. Something as easy as "the other day, Girl X stepped on my foot. I had a previous injury and she just happened to step on it. I lashed out and was way out of line and want to apologize for my actions."

Very extreme opinion but that's how I would handle the situation. Hopefully you can mend the situation and everyone can move on from this event.