You, my friend, are a very brave man. InIn trying to teach your wife how to program, you are taking on two roles. OneOne as a husband, which is an equal partner relationship. TheThe other as a teacher, whichwhich is an unequal mentor, pupil-pupil relationship.
Trying to take on both relationships at once complicates them greatly. ForFor starters, your wife is not going to like feeling inferior to you when you are teaching her. ThisThis is normal in a mentor pupil-pupil relationship, but notnot healthy at all in a marriage relationship. This is most likely a major underlying (subconscious) cause to her getting angry with you when things are not going well. Especially, especially when combined with her other insecurities that you describe.
I assume you realize that it is natural to feelhave negative feelings (such as frustration) when your progress towards a goal is being blocked. InIn most cases (excluding things like PTSD and Clinical depression) Itsit's not the negative feelings that are the problem, it's our behavior and how we choose to deal with those feelings that is the problem.
As a developer who whentwent back to community school at age 28 to learn to program, and as I'm sure you can attest to as well, getting stumped by a bug or some other problem I can't figure out is frustrating. And I express my frustration, frequently out loud.
The key to expressing that frustration with outwithout damaging your relationship is to never direct your frustration at the other person. This means that, when you are feeling frustrated, no complainingcomplaining about the other person. InIn fact, when expressing frustration you probably shouldn't mention the other person at all.
what can I do to handle a situation where she apparently refuses to listen listen while I try to teach her and help her?
1) Try to avoid the escalating feelings. Pause before talking to take a deep breath let your muscles relax this will help keep you calm. When you feel your self starting to use a more "passionate" (loud, angry, frustrated) tone, lower your void instead.
2) no accusations. It puts people on the defensive and when people are defensive performance drops. This is true when she accuses (directly or implied) you of not being a good or patient teacher.
3) Express your confidence in her. So instead of saying "this isn't that hard" or even the more beginnings "it's simple" you could say "You can do it love." or "I know you can figure this out I've seen you figure out hard things before." having some one who truly believes in you is way more powerful then I think most of us realize.
4) Compliment her when your not doing programming. Make sure the compliments are genuine and specific. ie. "Your dresser is always so neat and organized. I like that about you." your goal with this one is to help her gain confidence in her self in general.
- Jesus said "cast not your pearls before swine, lest they turn again and rend you." (paraphrased). I'm not calling names here I've certainly been the one rejecting peals of wisdom before. When either of you get to that angry place just stop teaching. Say something like "I love you and I don't want to have these hard feelings between us. Let's take a break for an hour (or the day), and try again then."
Try to avoid the escalating feelings. Pause before talking to take a deep breath. Let your muscles relax, this will help keep you calm. When you feel yourself starting to use a more "passionate" (loud, angry, frustrated) tone, lower your void instead.
No accusations. It puts people on the defensive, and when people are defensive performance drops. This is true when she accuses (directly or implied) you of not being a good or patient teacher.
Express your confidence in her. So instead of saying "this isn't that hard" or "it's simple", you could say "You can do it love" or "I know you can figure this out, I've seen you figure out hard things before". Having someone who truly believes in you is way more powerful then I think most of us realize.
Compliment her when you're not doing programming. Make sure the compliments are genuine and specific, i.e. "Your dresser is always so neat and organized. I like that about you". Your goal with this one is to help her gain confidence in herself in general.
Jesus said "cast not your pearls before swine, lest they turn again and rend you" (paraphrased). I'm not calling names here, I've certainly been the one rejecting pearls of wisdom before. When either of you get to that angry place, just stop teaching. Say something like "I love you and I don't want to have these hard feelings between us. Let's take a break for an hour (or the day), and try again then."