Timeline for How to helpfully react to a male coworker's sexual comment about a woman
Current License: CC BY-SA 3.0
18 events
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| Mar 28, 2018 at 16:02 | comment | added | Arthas | @Kat You don't need to be explicit about looking down on a behavior. People are complicated; they remember how they feel more often than what people say. Even if they make the change you want them to, they will subconsciously remember how you made them feel (like an idiot or like a bigot) and have that affect the basis of your relationship with them. Looking down on someone close to you might work because they know you, but someone you barely know will most likely take it a lot harder and it'll close future doors with that person. | |
| Mar 28, 2018 at 15:56 | comment | added | Kat | I disagree with the way this answer tries to avoid the whole "looking down on" feeling (admittedly, the OP did mention this idea in his question, even if I don't truly believe he feels that way). It's perfectly acceptable to mildly look down on poor behavior. It doesn't mean that you will always look down on the person. People are capable of changing when they realize their behavior is unacceptable, after all. And understanding that your behavior is looked down on can be very strong pressure to change. Much more so than having the behavior overlooked. | |
| Mar 28, 2018 at 15:26 | comment | added | coinbird | @CrazyCucumber But it's not weird to think about coworkers that way. Many happy marriages begin by meeting in the work place. | |
| Mar 22, 2018 at 15:48 | history | edited | Arthas | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
forgot a couple of words
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| Mar 22, 2018 at 14:41 | comment | added | Arthas | @AllTheKingsHorses I'm not suggesting anyone sucks anything up or "stays silent". I'm suggesting that OP (and others) use the power of the awkward silence to bring about introspection in this other person. | |
| Mar 22, 2018 at 14:18 | comment | added | AllTheKingsHorses | @Arthas True, but if just staying silent and sucking it up would bring about change, women fulfilling the traditional feminine role would rule the world by now ;-) The problem lies with the clashing goals set in the question; either you enforce boundaries and tread on some sexist toes or you keep the peace but won't be able to change anything. Ultimately, OP has to pick his battles. If there were some (known) magic words to make sexists see the error of their ways the issue would be sorted out for 100 years at least. | |
| Mar 22, 2018 at 14:07 | history | edited | Arthas | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
clarified the WHY behind my answer
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| Mar 22, 2018 at 13:28 | comment | added | Arthas | @AllTheKingsHorses I have the same trouble believing that someone who does that will take being called sexist in a way that might actually promote change outside of not doing it around OP. Putting people on edge and making them defensive does not lead to change. If making people defensive worked, we wouldn't have any sexists/racists/X-ists left. | |
| Mar 22, 2018 at 9:05 | comment | added | AllTheKingsHorses | @Arthas I have trouble believing that someone who makes things awkward for others by making sexist comments would notice or care about the awkwardness of getting no response. Since apparently he finds making those comments normal I don't think silence would be taken as disagreement - rather as confirmation of the normality of the comments. | |
| Mar 22, 2018 at 0:03 | comment | added | Arthas | @thursdaysgeek Ignoring it IS doing something. You create an awkward situation in which the other person might realize, "Hm, I just said something that this person literally didn't even bother to respond to." instead of "Hm, this guy just called me a sexist. I'm not a sexist. Screw you, coworker!" | |
| Mar 21, 2018 at 23:58 | comment | added | thursdaysgeek | @Arthas - for sexist comments, especially about co-workers, ignoring it makes you a bystander who isn't doing anything. That doesn't help shut it down. Until the guys are also telling them they are uncool, there is no real reason to stop. In other words, it IS worth responding to. | |
| Mar 21, 2018 at 23:17 | comment | added | Arthas | @thursdaysgeek Maybe I'm wrong here, but typically if someone ignored what I said I'd probably think they didn't really approve of it or didn't think it was worth responding to. | |
| Mar 21, 2018 at 23:16 | history | edited | Arthas | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
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| Mar 21, 2018 at 22:53 | comment | added | thursdaysgeek | Please don't ignore it. Not saying anything can be taken as approval, or at least not disapproval. And the men need to disapprove too. | |
| Mar 21, 2018 at 18:39 | history | edited | Arthas | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
edited body
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| Mar 21, 2018 at 17:59 | history | edited | Arthas | CC BY-SA 3.0 |
added 530 characters in body
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| Mar 21, 2018 at 17:54 | comment | added | Crazy Cucumber | True, I think a good way of "dismissing" it would be: "Eh, I feel weird thinking about my coworkers sexually" or "Coworkers are not my type". I've done that a lot with 3 different coworkers of mine that are like that and they never talk to me about stuff like that anymore. | |
| Mar 21, 2018 at 17:45 | history | answered | Arthas | CC BY-SA 3.0 |