How should I tell someone about a potential medical issue?

Question

I have a long history of skin issues, including several different types of cancers. As a result, I see a dermatologist very frequently to have potential areas removed. Because of this, I have become very proficient at tracking certain moles to know when they become a concern, as well as visually determining when a biopsy will most likely be necessary.

This leads me to my problem that has been dwelling on me.

Lately, at the gym, I have become casual friends with another member who will talk to me on occasion. Definitely not good friends, but just casual. Over the last few months, I have notice a very dark mole above his eyebrow that has become larger in a short period of time. Based on my experience, this raises a lot of red flags and even though I am not a doctor, I am fairly confident that this is something that needs to be checked out by a professional. It has the looks of something bad. To make matters worse, it is apparent that he uses tanning beds, which is an obvious increase in melanoma risks.

I really want to tell him to get it checked, but I feel like I am severely overstepping my bounds since I am not a doctor. Of course, I have to assume that even when doctors are out in the public, they cannot point these things out due to legal reasons.

How in the world do I tell a near stranger about a concern like this?? Obviously I will feel awful if I don't say anything and it turns out to be something bad.

Answer 1

This is a tricky situation but ultimately can be a matter of life and death.

I will recommend you to tell him. Since it is a health related topic. Bottom line is that you can save someone's life.

You should explain why you are alerting him. Of course, since the person in question is just an acquaintance, apologize for the indiscretion of what you are about to say. You never know how the other part is going to react and preparing him for it is always a nice thing, while keeping it serious. Now, onto the real message:

• Tell him about your medical history and with this in mind
• Point out why you think that his mark is a red flag, even though you are not qualified for it

Just hope it's nothing serious and save yourself from a possible lifetime of remorse and rewarded with peace of mind for telling him.

Answer 2

I find that leading with a question rather than a statement works better for casual acquaintances. Open with something like "hey, are you aware that that mole above your eye has been growing?". It's always possible that he does and he's already planning to take care of it.

If he responds with something like "eh, why does it matter?", then you can share your experience without coming across as pushy. Say something like "when that happened to me it turned out to be skin cancer; I'm really glad I had it checked right away so they could treat it".

At this point you have made him aware of (a) the condition and (b) its severity. Maybe he'll ask you questions, and if so you can talk about treatment, risks (that tanning bed), finding a doctor, and whatever else, but if he doesn't ask, I wouldn't push. You see him regularly and this isn't something he needs to do today (just soon), so let him lead the conversation.

Answer 3

An easy way to begin the subject is just to bring up your own experience. Don't talk about them, talk about you.

Them: How was your week?
You: Quite busy actually, I saw the dermatologist because I've been having some high-risk moles checked out, I had one here (points) that had to be removed. Did you know that if they change a lot over a short period then that's a sign of danger?
Them: Oh, I didn't know that!...

This brings up the subject in a natural way that isn't immediately invasive. It's possible that they're actually seeing someone already about it, or have had it checked out. This allows them to naturally respond with as much information as they are comfortable.

If they say they've seen someone already, then you can rest easy. If they say that they've never been before to a dermatologist, or never thought to go, you can encourage them to in a general sense. "Oh, you should, they recommend that everyone go every x years to get their skin checked out" (Whatever the recommendation is. Usually it's every x years over a specific age).

Answer 4

From the way you've presented this question, you've convinced me that this is probably something worth pointing out. I also understand the sort of unitentional tracking of the size of his mole; you tend to notice when something changes size on someone's face.

Unfortunately, both these things are hard to express face to face. If a loose acquaintence told me a mole on my face had grown, I'd be a little creeped out that they'd been keeping track of it. What's more, if someone told me they're "very proficient at tracking certain moles to know when they become a concern" I'd be skeptical.

I believe you because you've given a reasonable explanation here, but it often takes too long do that in real-time conversation. So instead, I'm going to advise you do something I don't often endorse: I want you to lie to this man. Well, really I want you to fib.

I think you should start conversation with something like:

Hey, sorry if this is a little weird, but I had a mole that looked like yours removed recently; apparently the dermotologist thought it might be something dangerous (I don't know anything about skin, so I'm sure there's a better term here than "something dangerous").

Ok, so that's not quite true. But you have had moles removed, and you do believe his might be something dangerous. I think the fact that yours haven't actually "looked like his" is pretty inconsequential (unless they have. In which case, great!).

The difference here is that you aren't trying to convince him you know all about skin conditions and you think his is dangerous. Instead, you're telling him you've had a similar skin condition and a licensed professional said it was dangerous. There's no convincing necessary. Then, if conversation continues (which I'd assume it would), you can say "yeah, it had been growing a bit, which is supposed to be a bad sign."

For some strange reason, there are times when it's easier to convince someone of something by acting less certain than you actually are. I think this is one of those times. Perhaps it's because people only expect doctors to be so familiar with health, so when a sort-of-stranger tells them about it, they're skeptical. Once you've breached this skepticism though (with a similar account and an appeal to authority), you're pretty much free to share whatever information you want. You've passed the point where he can reject your advice out of hand, and hopefully bringing up the size indirectly keeps him from being creeped out and trying to disengage.

Now, he may show no interest in getting it looked at, but I think at that point you've done all you can do.

Answer 5

Just tell him. Apologize for it, give him enough information to indicate you have some experience, and let him know. Then don't bring it up again unless he brings it up.

I know we're not close, and this may be overstepping bounds to bring this up, but I have a lot of experience with skin disease and I've noticed a mole growing over your eyebrow which has several signs that suggest it requires medical attention. I'm happy to talk with you more about it, but I don't want to overstep any personal boundaries, I mainly wanted to encourage you to see a doctor about it asap.

Then see if where the conversation goes. You've given him critical information, you've indicated that you're happy to talk about it more, but that he'd have to continue the discussion - you're not going to force it beyond what you've already done - and you've kept it short. Whether he takes your advice or not is up to him, and the hardest thing for you will be avoiding asking about it in the future, particularly if he doesn't take your advice.

Answer 6

Since you have regular, friendly contact with this person, it should be straightforward.

Tony, I don't know if you've noticed, but the mole above your right [left] eyebrow has changed recently. Have you thought about having it checked?

That's a starting point -- you can adapt it to what feels comfortable for you.

As a wrap-up of the topic, before taking your leave or moving on to another topic, a comment like the following might help normalize the topic:

I hope you don't mind my bringing this up. If I were in your shoes, I would want someone to say something.

Be prepared to listen (sympathetically).

Answer 7

Why beat around the bush?

This is one of the few advantages mano-a-mano friends have, just... say it.

Hey man, you really should have a doctor look at that mole. ABCDEF - you know about that? Assymetry, Border, Color, Diameter, Evolving, Funny. They use it to score the "malignity" of moles. I am not a doctor, but after a scare with skin cancer I have met more than I care to. I advice you to check with one. Just looking out for you, pal.

And then just break the conversation if he doesn't reply. Message went through. In his hands now. Don't act weird next time you see him, act like it never happened.

I wouldn't worry about losing a casual friend over such a small awkwardness.

Answer 8

I'm new and can't comment on the answer that I actually wanted to comment on. I think that it would be a mistake to "lead with a question". If I were asked a question like "hey, are you aware that that mole above your eye has been growing?" I'd be extremely offended, tell you that it's none of your business and try to never talk to you again. It requires the person to give an answer about a defect in their appearance with zero indication that you want to be helpful. People can take it as you trying to make fun of them (and make a chitchat out of it).

Don't do anything that requires a person to give you an answer.

You can basically do what you want to do in under 45 seconds. Say,

"Hey, there's something that I want to mention, and I don't want you to take it wrong. I have a history of medical issues with my skin—issues that developed into cancers a couple of times. So I have some experience with recognizing problems like this. The mole over your eybrow looks like something that needs to get checked out, just in case; I've noticed that it's been growing. I apologize if saying this is out of line. Just something that I thought I should mention. In a spirit of helpfulness. Now, how has that renovation been going?"

(or whatever you had been discussing the previous time you saw him)

Boom, done. You are offering an exit into a different topic. You've conveyed what you wanted to convey. You have not turned this into a freaking discussion of someone's skin imperfections. And if he feels like it, he can ask you questions himself. Don't ask questions of him; that's intrusive.