How do I apologize to my girlfriend after she said her heart is broken?

Question

My girlfriend and I are in our 25's. We live in the same city in Indonesia.

Recently, our relationship hit a problem. Last night, we were chatting about our goals. I would really like her to be my wife. As a man looking for a wife, I think it's normal for me to want to know about her better. We spoke about her past and it seems she has a quite dark past.

Before me, she was in a relationship with someone that only wanted her for her body. She told me that now she has changed and became a better woman.

I tested her by asking her to give me a little kiss. I know that she does not want to kiss me until we get married. After that, she told me her heart was broken and said that I am not appreciative of her rules etc.

I tried to apologize but she ignores me. When I chat with her, she sometimes messages me back but not like she did before. It was kinda flat and cold.

So, how do I apologize to her and show that I'm serious with her?

Answer 1

In my experiences, testing someone usually ends up upsetting the person.

When they tell you something and hold you to it, they expect you to fulfill that desire until they’ve let you know they’re ready.

Not kissing you was a boundary your girlfriend had set between you and something she held as important. When you asked to break that, she could’ve felt as if you were trying to sway her into changing her mind. That would make her uncomfortable especially considering men in the past have abused the privilege she gave them.

Looking at it from her point of view, she might be worried and concerned about you now because you have overstepped a bridge she wasn’t ready for you to cross. It’ll bring her to second guessing your relationship.

Problems:

You need to recognize you made a big mistake in her eyes. You faulted the trust you shared and challenged the relationship by overstepping her bounds.

Another mistake was your reasoning for the kiss as a way to “prove herself” to you. A significant other should never have to ‘prove’ themselves through an act you coerce them into doing. If you don’t feel they love you, it may be worth it to consider leaving the relationship.

Solution:

Tell her that you made a big mistake and don’t try to lighten what you did because it’ll degrade the sincerity of the message. Don’t make an excuse for why you did it or say you had good intentions unless she asks you. She needs to know that you are sorry for what you did and that you recognize the seriousness of her boundaries. Ensure she knows you will be ready to rebuild trust and will hold her wishes to high regard for the foreseeable future.

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Best of luck! :)