Wife does not work but wants “own” money/allowance

Question

My wife and I have been married 4 years (United States). We had a baby 6 months ago and 8 months ago my wife quit working, it started to be to much on her physically and now we both like that our child is not in daycare, which means someone has to be home, this ended up being my wife as she worked part time and my income far exceeded what she earned.

Originally we had our own bank accounts, she still maintains her own checking account and is now on as a registered user at my credit union on my accounts (checking, savings, special purpose and daughters account). A couple years ago we went to my credit union and got her a debit card to use against my checking account as she felt that if something happened to me she would not have any money. Many years ago, probably 7 or 8 we decided that since I am more disciplined with money that I would be responsible for making sure all of our bills were paid, both personal and joint (credit cards we had before each other, mortgage etc)

Since my wife is no longer employed (albeit working pretty hard, babies are demanding little bosses) she has obviously no personal income. This is the point in which we differ in our though process, she feels that money earned from employment is hers or mine, where my thought process is, we are married, and all accounts except her checking are joint, there is no yours and mine, there is only ours.

Since she does have a debit card linked to what is now and has been for awhile now, our checking account, my philosophy is, if you need something just swipe the card, that is after all why she wanted it, to be able to access money in what was previously my checking account before she became an authorized user on my accounts (which at the institution is equal to joint). After about two months my wife started to tell me that she wanted a weekly allowance so she can make her own purchases without me seeing what they are as I don't need to.

My wife also states that she feels guilty swiping the debit card and that she feels like she needs to get my permission before using it, she only needs to "ask my permission" (which isn't really asking my permission, it's informing your partner of what you intend to do with a larger amount of money which is a reasonable thing to do in my opinion) if the purchase is large, which I always do as well. I choose to do that for purchases of $20 or more, it just keeps her informed of where the money went, other then that, use it for what you need it for, gas, groceries, misc crap at 7-11.

Today she forgot her PIN, and this brought up the conversation again of her having her own money. She wants an allowance, so for either me to write her a check every week that she can go deposit in her own bank account (which I am not on) or for me to give her cash. My reply was in my view of the logical sort, "if you need to get something, then swipe the card, that's why you have it."

This, as it did in our previous discussion on this matter, make her mad. She stated that "You should not need to see every transaction that I make" so again my response which was taken not so well was "what do you mean I don't need to see every transaction, what are you trying to hide, you have the debit card to use, that's why we got it for you, so use it and if you have to have cash for some transaction, go to the ATM and get it" I personally do not take an allowance, I don't understand the point, if I need something I get it or ask my wife while she is out and about to get it for me.

My response was like that because it has happened to me on multiple occasions where a family member has just used my credit card to get what they want without my knowledge or even just coming to me and asking, which I count as theft. I have also had to close and open checking accounts on at least three (3) different occasions due to someone gaining access to my account, so I am always suspicious and always check my bank account, sometimes multiple times a day.

How can I approach this to discuss with her so that we can both get our feelings across and understand each other's side? To me it feels like I just have to give her whatever allowance she wants, which leaves me feeling resentful, which I can't stand for obvious reasons. I know I am failing to understand her point of view as I think she is also failing to see mine. As I said, there is, in my opinion, no your money or my money, there is one income in our family unit and it is our income.

I am by no means trying to "control her", she can do whatever she wants, she is a human being. As I said in the above, as far as I am concerned we don't have "our own money", we have a joint account where all the bills get paid from, she used to get the groceries on her own from her checking account when she was working, but now she is working at home, meaning taking care of our child.

Answer 1

You say that money is tight. Do you do all the budgeting on your own or does she get a say? Is it something you decide together or something you handle by yourself? Do you include in your budget an amount for 'personal' use?

My husband and I also have the view that our money is ours. We discuss our budget and our expenses and decide on things together. This process includes a discussion about what 'personal' money we thought we needed every month. I proposed how much I need for my hobby, he said how much he'd need for his, we discussed what we could afford, and decided on an amount that we'd each get every month. This isn't giving her whatever allowance she wants, this is having a discussion together about your budget and what you can afford, and what 'allowance' you give both of you.

There are two issues here. One is the financial independence and the other is the budget. You can give her the cash in an envelope at the beginning of every month if you want, no bank account necessary. The issue I see here is that she doesn't feel like she is on the same page as you.

I sometimes phone my husband to get his opinion on a purchase. I don't ask permission, or even to state what I'm going to be doing. I phone to discuss if it's something we can afford with our money. We have a discussion and decide together if we can afford it or not. As such, purchases fall into two categories:
- in the budget so OK by default.
- not in the budget so discussion required.

Does that mean that if I want to buy myself a chocolate bar I can't because it's not in the food budget, or I have to phone my husband to ask? No, because it comes out of my 'personal' allocation which is in budget. This is why personal allocations are important. She's actually asking to discuss with you a limit on what she can personally spend so she knows where she fits into the budget. This way, she can buy herself something she wants as a treat and not worry she's ruining the budget. The bank account for this is convenient, but not essential. There may be a reason she wants a bank account, perhaps she wants to save her 'treat' money for something bigger over multiple months.

Nonetheless, it's important to discuss with her how much you can afford for both of you every month, not just her, and it certainly isn't giving her everything she wants.

Answer 2

We are in a similar arrangement in our marriage, where I bring in the bulk of our earnings. For a long time my wife did not work, but now as the kids are getting older, she is working a part time job.

What works for us is:

• All money earned is “our money” - my earnings do not trump hers for any decision making. We discuss our budget together.
• As part of the above, we budget money equally as “personal money” For us, we each get an hour of my time per paycheck, direct deposited into an account we control
• The rest of our money is all joint, and it covers normal family expenses (mortgage, food, etc)
• Personal money is no-judgement. If she blows it all on Starbucks or saves up for an expensive gadget then it makes no difference to me. Same goes for my spending out of my personal account.

This allows us to communicate on shared goals for trips, savings, retirement, etc while still allowing autonomy.

Sometimes we negotiate on things “Hey, I want to visit a friend for a weekend out of town.” If we don’t have much in our travel budget, then personal money becomes a way to make it work.

What we do may or may not work for you, and the dollar amounts may be different even if it does. Regardless, we arrived where we are by having a discussion about our needs and working together to design a solution we could both agree to.

It sounds like she doesn’t feel the autonomy is there for her in the current arrangement, and that gives her guilt for certain spending. I don’t know that you can get away from that while maintaining a single pooled account. Express your fears and doubts about that second account, and see if you both can find a solution to allay those fears?

Answer 3

Before the discussion

What you need to do to start is take a step back and get your feelings in order. You can't help her understand your side if you can't be completely sure you can explain it clearly.

Why do you feel that it makes no sense for you each to have a private account? Do you feel like it's unreasonable for your wife to want you not to be able to see every transaction she makes?

Also consider why this is a big enough deal to you that you needed to come to Stack Exchange with it. I'm not saying you're wrong for doing so, just that it shows that you likely feel just as strongly as she does about the situation. Why? Do you feel like this insults you in some way? Is it the insinuation that she doesn't want you to know everywhere she shops? Could it just be "I'm right/she's wrong" mentality that comes up in humans? Knowing why you're so intent on this in one way or another will go a long way towards things.

Ask your wife to do the same thing, if you think it will help to let her prepare as well. This gives her a chance to have her side as thought out as you do. Let her know that you want to get to the bottom of this, and have you both at the very least understand where the other is coming from. It might help just knowing that you want to understand why this has her so upset.

Don't let her start the discussion there- If she tries to, explain that you want to be able to convey your feelings on the matter as clearly as possible, and want to take the time to really know how to do so before you discuss things. Let her know that you hope she will do the same, so you can have a rational conversation.

Addressing the situation

When you are both ready, choose a time when you're both calm and the baby won't need your immediate attention for at least half an hour. A nap is likely the only time you'll get for this, from my limited experience with infants. Outline a couple rules: You each get a turn to fully explain yourself, then the other may ask questions to understand your side as needed. From there, the next person can explain uninterrupted and the other side can again ask questions as needed. Ask her to go first, and let her explain her side.

Then listen. Listen to what she has to say. Let her say her piece, let her outline how she feels. When she's done, ask questions as you need to so that you can be sure you understand this to the best of your abilities.

Once she's explained her side of things and you're pretty sure you understand it, restate it. Make sure your interpretation matches hers. If it doesn't, she can clarify further. From there, you can take your turn. Explain why you feel how you do. Be clear about where your points of view differ. Answer her questions, and ask her to restate how she interpreted what you've said. This should all mirror how you came to understand her side.

Now that you've both explained your sides and had a chance to understand each other, you can either both step away to try to come up with ideas for how to resolve this and keep it fair to you both while still keeping you both happy, or you can go ahead and work to sort out a solution. If you do go ahead and work toward a solution, make sure you're both still calm. Otherwise, insist on walking away for a bit until you're both calm (and the baby is napping again.)

Aftermath

Once you have a solution, stick to what you agree on. Now that you both understand each other and worked for a resolution, it should help keep this problem from boiling up again. If something in the status quo changes down the road and another issue of the kind arises, at least you'll already have a way to hit it up and try to address it.

Keep in mind, if you agree to go with an allowance for her, be sure that this goes both ways: You deserve a private "just yours" account as well! You could even make it so you each get the same "personal allowance" each week, to keep things even. This also helps show your wife that you don't feel superior to her just because you're the one bringing home paychecks. This might not even cross her mind, but if it does, then you've addressed it without a problem. (Your own "personal allowance" may not be necessary- If she suggests your paycheck goes to your personal account and you just put what's needed for bills into the account you pay bills/groceries from, then you should be able to do that. Just try to do what seems fairest to both of you.)

Keep it fair, keep it reasonable, and keep each other happy. In the end, your love and happiness with each other is more important than figuring out what money belongs to who anyway.

Answer 4

My wife and I do this, and it works well.

We have accounts that cover different parts of the budget.

In addition, we each have a personal account, which receives an allocation each month.

This cuts down on the number of money discussions we have to have and gives each of us a bit of extra autonomy. This is guilt-free money. I could spend the whole thing in one day and not worry about blowing the household budget. I could invest it all in penny stocks. Or clothes. Or games. Or the best chocolate money can buy. Or save for some future purchase.

It feels good to have some money that can be spent "worry-free". And this also helps us stay on budget with our other accounts. And it's good for our relationship.

Answer 5

This is the exact same situation I face. Housewife needs allowance for any reason she wants to use it. Feeling guilty of spending money that is not really you worked for is a tough one too. Even you ade together there is still a bit of need of a certain freedom in buying that does not need permission.

Let out this way. Try to be in your wife's shoes: you are in the house taking care of the kids, grateful for having a responsible husband, but certain stuff that maybe reasonable for her to buy but not reasonable for you that may cause conflict. A bit of freedom for your wife that stays home and sacrifice her career to make sure kids will be taken care of.

Give also credit reward for your wife. She does not mean she wants to hide something. A bit of freedom is needed to make her feel she has control over her life.

Answer 6

People often need some "gift card money" to not feel guilty about spending on themselves.

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Gift cards are a thing. Casinos use chips. People take real money and convert it into fake money. This removes psychological barriers to spending.

A joint account may be a similar psychological barrier, but you know, perceived in the opposite way by creating more stress in splurging from it.

Perception. It is all about perception.

Give her some "gift card" money. It somehow makes people think that they are not spending money. It would seem that many folks need this illusion to spend money on themselves.

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An example of "gift card money" from my life:

Managing resources is my hobby. I invest in the stock market. I also buy, sell, and trade things. I feel as if managing the results of a hobby is my hobby.

I never splurge all of the eBay profit I make, but 10% or 20% of the profit is quite acceptable in my mind. It seemed like a breach for my wife to not only splurge 100% of the profit but 100% of the initial investment as well.

I allocated proper investing money into an investment to sell on eBay. I moved $X from stocks, invested it into eBay stuff, and ended up with $2X. My wife then spent it. All $2X of it. On a vacation.

I was a bit upset at this. The principle was to be reallocated into proper stock investments, and the profits were mine to manage (roll-over into other investments, and perhaps splurge 10%-20% of the profits on guilty pleasures).

Managing the money is the fun part of investing in stock, or buying, and selling things on eBay. My wife assuming that I would not mind her making the decisions on how to manage my investment resources was stressful.

Using $2X for a “splurge” vacation when I “owed” our investments $1X was stressful. I would have used at the very most $1X to splurge on anything and using $1X to splurge on stuff largely defeats the purpose of the hobby of managing resources. One wants to end up with more resources at the end of the endeavor, not the same amount, and certainly not less. In my mind, this took the victory conditions off the table. I may as well have not had a victory.

So basically this was a misunderstanding over the perception of the money sitting in the bank account. She saw $2X and allocated it as “extra” and therefore 100% attributable to splurging. I saw $2X where 5-10% of it was allocated as splurging money. I allocated the money as the results of my hobby to be managed within my hobby, and I had the express intent to repay the investment funds I borrowed for investing.

eBay profits are work. 10%-20% of my eBay profits are my gift cards. It is all about perception.