How to decide whether or not to be persistent in pursuit of a relationship?

Question

I am trying to create some lines through this gray area. I feel that there are times when being persistent and showing someone you are interested is attractive since to varying degrees people like being shown others find them attractive, and similarly to varying degrees like being pursued in a positive way.

Also since the two individuals will likely have their own very different lives, there is necessity I would think to have persistence in order to create opportunities for the two people to get to know each other better, otherwise they'll just see each other once and may never bump into each other again, despite there being mutual interest.

Of course the challenge can be reading whether the other person is actually enjoying the persistence, playing hard to get or just flat out getting annoyed by it. For example, I know people and I've actually done this myself sometimes, that become so nervous around a person they like that they end up acting in a rejecting way because they are so embarrassed in that moment or overwhelmed by them. Trying to decide whether this means an actual rejection or otherwise throws another spanner in the works. Or sometimes you and the other person find yourselves in an awkward situation via random circumstances (refer to any rom com for an example) which makes approaching this person a second time slightly awkward too and second guess if you're just going to make them remember the awkwardness from before.

How do I decide whether or not to be persistent in pursuing a relation with other people?

Answer 1

In my personal experience there is a clear differences in when persistence is attractive and when it's not. For me there are three situations.

• Someone is clear on their intentions and I'm interested. They say things like 'Do you want to go on a date?' and I can clearly say that I'm interested. We both know what's going on and if our feeling change, we can cut it off. We don't want to rush into a relationship, but persistence is nice here.

• Someone is clear on their intention and I'm not interested. This is not a nice situation, but at least I can clearly say that I'm not interested. Here persistence is not attractive. If I tell you no, I mean no. If I become interested, now the ball is in my court and I will approach you to let you know I'm interested.

• Someone is unclear about their intentions. They seem to flirt with me, but never ask me on a date. They want to hang out, but it's never clear if they mean as friends or as a date. This is annoying. Even when I'm slightly interested, if this takes to long, I will walk away. If I'm not interested and I tell the person, they will act like we were only friends and where did I get the idea they are interested in me? It's annoying. It's an annoying situation for everybody. Like it feels like now I have to get clear about my intentions even though I feel like the person approaching should be doing that. They are probably more clear about their feelings and I'm still feeling it out. I will end up not liking someone, also because they weren't clear about their intentions.

Personally I don't play hard to get and I find the concept outdated. I feel like you can't start a good relationship on those bases. If you're head over heels in love, it can be better to act a bit more cool then you're, but it's never useful to act uninterested when you are interested. If someone does like to play those kind of games, I don't think they are mature enough to have a real relationship with.

In my experience it's always best to be clear on your intentions. If you want a relationship, ask them on a date. If you want a casual relationship, ask them to 'netflix and chill'. Then you don't have to wade through the grey areas, because you both know where you stand and can make future decisions based on that. Grey areas often don't end up going anywhere.

This is completely based on my experience of dating and relationships and what I heard from friends. I feel like I have been in all situations I described. In the first two situations I have been on both sides, on the unclear situation only on the receiving end.

Answer 2

To find an answer, try to look at the problem from a different perspective.

Have you yourself ever been in a situation where somebody you were not interested in tried to get in touch with you, to talk to you, to get a date? You told or showed them clearly that you are not interested at all (and you knew this would not change), but they did not want to hear? How did you feel?

I have been in such a situation more than once, and for me, it is extremely annoying. If I have no feelings for somebody, I certainly do not get them if somebody tortures me with contact attempts and does not accept my "no". On the contrary - such a behavior makes things worse. Who would like to have an obtrusive partner who does not respect other people's wishes and boundaries?

What you can do is: Be patient. If you hear a "no", respect it. If you meet them again, be friendly and sympathetic, but do not talk about meeting again. If the other side is interested, they will tell you sooner or later.