How do I determine if a girl I am seeing is open to a relationship?

Question

About 1.5 months ago I got to know a girl that lives 5 minutes away from me.

We wrote for 1-2 days, then met. The first two times just talking with each other and then, at a concert, making out.

Long story short. We have been kinda "dating" now for the past 1.5 months. Sometimes going out together with friends. And mostly me going to her place in the evening to spend the night together. (If relevant we already did everything from making out to sleeping with each other a couple of times).

She can sometimes be a little hot headed, but I really like her and I believe vice versa. The thing is that she seems very locked at telling emotions or saying things like "I love you" (like in the non-relationship style "hab dich lieb" in German. The not so serious version) and very rarely says that she really likes me, although when I am with her she is a cuddle beast, so to say. Let's say, she shows the affection that she seems unwilling to spell.

Now what really bothers me a bit is that I have no clue how this will continue as we are in the same position as we were a month ago. Not in a relationship, but openly "being together" if that makes sense? So we show that we are "with each other" in public with friends, family (my brother, cousin who live in the same town) and she is talking about me and us openly with her parents as well. That confuses me a bit.

She has also hinted that she does not want a relationship, but because she is a person that cannot express emotions that well, I don't know if that is really meant seriously or not. (She said that when we had a small fight, nothing dramatic.)

Question:

How could I determine if she was ready and/or open to a relationship through talking to her using IPS, but not asking directly as I believe that she would deflect the question. And has someone been in a situation like this and how did you resolve it? I don't believe that I am just a "friend-with-benefits" because we spent countless nights just cuddling and watching films and most importantly talking. (I believe that leans more towards a relationship than "friends-with-benefits".)

Answer 1

You said you just met 1.5 month ago. It may feel a little bit in a hurry to ask if you are in a relationship together. Enjoy the talking, watching movies and sleeping together for now, and see how it evolves in the upcoming months.

I was in this situation nine years ago, when I asked a girl I was dating "are we in a relationship?" in the same context as your:

• met 2 months ago
• slept together couple of times
• talked a lot via e-mail and texting because of geographical distance between us
• bonus: I was about to move to South Africa for a 3 months internship, so we both knew we could not see each other during that time

She literally laughs at me, and answered something like "I don't know, and I don't want to think about this right now".

One thing after the other, she is now my wife and we have two beautiful daughters. But she can't resist to remind me this talk once in a while, with a big smile on her face.

Answer 2

hmmm, you say "we spent countless nights just cuddling and watching films and most importantly talking." You want to talk about you two. Right now you are making it way too easy for her to treat you, or even consider you mostly as a FWB. You go over to her place most of the time. That's very convenient for her and she doesn't have to put much into the relationship.

"Talking" while cuddling and what else at her place is not the same as talking without the physical stuff and talking at a place that is not her couch. So you should broaden the stuff you do. What kind of relationship do you want to be in? Start acting as if the relationship was that way already. I don't mean force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. But if you want the relationship to be more than just cuddling (which to many girls is just as important if not more important then sex) on her couch then you need to take the initiative to expand the type of activities you do.

Go out to do public stuff and then do not go to her place or your place or any place to make out or sleep together. You guys' physicality is way ahead of any kind of serious relationship. 1.5 months is nothing. You need to get off her couch and go do other things together. Right now you are making it really easy for her to have you mostly as a FWB. If you think she will just deflect a straight question, then that is a hint that she isn't interested in having more. But instead of trying to guess "signs" or "hints", the main thing to do is expand the types of activities you do.

Ask yourself what kind of relationship with her do you want to be in, and "make it" that relationship. I mean, proceed as if it were that kind of relationship: if she consistently rejects invitations, then you'll know she's not ready or interested in something that is beyond mainly superficial and physically oriented. And again, physical can include much more than intercourse. So change the type of activities you do. Get out and do non-physical things. You need to see each other in a lot of different settings. Give her the opportunity to get to know you and show you her affection for you in other contexts that cuddling on her couch.

Answer 3

I can tell you what I did when I was in exactly that same situation.

After about 3 month I really wanted to know if we where a couple or not. I just realized then, that I was at a point where I did´t want to go on casual as I felt more and more emotionally exposed.

So I asked her (on the phone)

Do you want to go forward or cancel this?

She answered:

If I have to decide this now, then no!

Me:

Do you want to have your stuff back? Should I bring it over or send it to you?

(some CD´s etc.)

She:

Will we be friends then?

Me:

Maybe, but for then next few months probably not, because this would be to emotionally expensive for me.

So I brought the stuff over to her. The moment I walked trough her door, it was clear that she would not let me go. We have been a couple ever since (12 years ago) and happily married.

So for me it's:

• Honesty, even to the point where it hurts.
• Clearly communicating wants and needs.

And then deal with what´s in the cards. You know the German saying: Besser ein Ende mit Schrecken als eine Schrecken ohne Ende!

Answer 4

I also had a lot of trouble when thinking about the "Are we on a relationship" and the infamous "I love you". I have a lot of problems related to understand what others are doing and the meaning of their actions, so what I did was to be very open and ask directly when I saw a good opportunity.

I asked my current partner 3 months after knowing her and 1 month after we started dating if she wanted a serious relationship with me. I said exactly like that because at the time I was heavily over thinking about the current state of our relationship.

This worked for me, BUT I also think that is very risky, since she said "I was quite surprised, but I like it". From what I asked and noticed from other couples, people tend to be more careful to say "I love you" and about "what about a relationship" to their partners, which I never understood before someone telling me that "It doesn't depends only on you. If you are ready to do something, before doing it, make sure that your partner is also ready, otherwise the outcome might not be what you expected and be ready for it."

In the end it depends on how you feel it is going, yours and the girl's current state to ask or not about it.

(You can take a look on my other question to see if you relate to how I handled it as well)

Answer 5

Firstly, it depends a bit on what you define a relationship to be. For example, does it mean:

• You're monogamous with each other (assuming that's your wish)
• Your going to be there for each other in times of trouble
• There's strong mutual emotional feelings
• There's strong mutual trust and you can talk openly and honestly to each other

Make sure you know what you mean.

It then also depends on what she defines a relationship to be - ask, don't assume.

Secondly, 1.5 months is very soon to be classified as a relationship. I believe many people would be slightly taken back at considering it a relationship after a short time (esp. not knowing each other previously). Some might even panic and run away at the suggestion.

Also, whilst it's perfectly possible to be infatuated (verknallt) it's probably too soon to be in love.

From what you've described, I'd say:

• You're 'seeing each other'. This is more than FwB, but not a full-on relationship. Enjoy it for what it is.
• You'll need to be patient
• Pressuring in to 'relationship' status, especially this early on, could well be counter-productive

I'm also curious about what you hope to achieve by establishing a relationship so early. Is it 'Do you feel about me as much as I feel about you?', or 'Please don't sleep with some-one else' or something else?

Keep telling her that you really like her. Back this up with your actions. Don't expect her to reciprocate (verbally) - from what you've described, it will take time for her to open up. Consider asking her, without prejudice, "How do you see us at the moment?"

Answer 6

From the sound of it, you're "moving toward" a relationship. You're not there yet, but if things continue along recent lines, you will be. So the thing not to do is to "rock the boat."

It seems that 1.5 months is not a long time to know someone. Many women don't want to commit themselves too early. This may be even more true if she is German, than say, American.

I'd say, give it more time. If you were at the 1.5 year mark, then you might have cause to worry that things aren't going anywhere. But you've made good progress toward a relationship in a short period of time. As it is, you have at least six months, and more like a year to find out where things stand.