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I have an appointment in another town, I asked a friend if I could stay the night at my friend's place through a text message. I would like a response from this person so that if I cannot stay at my friend's house, I can rent a hotel room. Normally asking this person for this favor, would not be a problem. And for the question's sake Yes my friend would be comfortable with me staying over there.

This person has seen my message and I just asked my friend. We did not have a conversation before. It was more of a spontaneous text message. I sent this message on Saturday night.

I know for some people this is an obvious answer, but for me I feel like I am rude when I demand an answer. I want to be nice about it.

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  • How can a zero response not amount to a No? I'd write Listen, just to let you know, I'm booking a room, so no need to worry about my request. Thanks! Cheerful, took matters in your own hands, no resentment...and you didn't say you already booked it, so you might get No, stay here. Shudda told ya sooner.
    – Yosef Baskin
    Commented Aug 12 at 4:39

7 Answers 7

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With this messaging habit, nowadays, imo we tend to forget an easier and more direct way to get things done:

CALLING

You said he/she's a friend, therefore I think there's nothing (e.g. shyness) that should hold you back from CALLING.

A polite

Hey, sorry to press you and sorry for already sending you a message, but I have this important [appointment/etc.] and I do need to find an arrangement soon, can you help me?

could suffice. Whatever the answer is, end by apologizing again.

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    Love the answer so long as you keep in mind that calling has different implications for different generations. Depending how young OP is, whether calling is best or not may depend a lot on the type of friend they are
    – Jesse
    Commented Jan 15, 2018 at 14:17
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    @Jesse If your not comfortable enough to call someone you shouldn't be asking to crash on thier couch.
    – Skeith
    Commented Jan 15, 2018 at 14:34
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    @Markino in my local social context calling out of the blue without arranging a time via text is always inappropriate. It's not the cost, it's that a phone call demands someone's attention right now, regardless of what they were doing, which is extremely rude when everyone is used to communicating asynchronously.
    – Racheet
    Commented Jan 15, 2018 at 16:22
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    @Racheet ...wow, that sounds... a bit extreme. I hate phone calls with a passion but I won't get offended if someone calls me once. Is your local social context aware of that little red phone button? It allows you to quickly and almost effortlessly convey the message that you can't pay attention to the call right now. Modern devices even have the option for stock reply messages to be sent when pressing that red phone button. (If they keep calling, and it's not a matter of life&death, I will get annoyed, though)
    – xDaizu
    Commented Jan 15, 2018 at 16:45
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    I was responding mostly to @markino saying that they believe that calling is always appropriate because quick calls are "not heavy on the pocket" by trying to explain that in my social context unscheduled calls are inherently rude for reasons unrelated to cost. Sometime's there's a good reason to be a little rude, as perhaps in this case, but one should always be aware that one is making an imposition when they do it.
    – Racheet
    Commented Jan 15, 2018 at 17:24
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I'd say something along the lines of:

'Hi, just wondering if you'd seen my message. I'd really appreciate staying with you, but if you can't then no problem, let me know soon so I can book a hotel otherwise :)'

This shows them how grateful you'd be if you do stay, but also lets your friend comfortably decline if they have any uncertainty, allowing you some time to book a place.

In the future, start with kind of structure as your first message, to (hopefully!) avoid having to ask a second time.

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    This is a common wording, but personally I never use the "just wondering" phrase. In this case it's actually a lie. You're not "just wondering"—you're actively waiting on the response so you can plan your trip logistics accordingly. This can be communicated politely without de-emphasizing the importance.
    – Wildcard
    Commented Jan 16, 2018 at 3:00
  • Very true, the second clause seems a bit obsolete when you put it like that!
    – MoMiJi
    Commented Jan 16, 2018 at 9:33
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How to nicely remind someone to reply to important message without being rude?

Here's one example of an inoffensive request:

Sorry to press the matter, but if I need to make other arrangements I should start now. Can I count on staying at your place the night of [date]?

It provides a reason for pressing them, an apology for forcing the issue, and makes the question very clear so they don't have to go through old messages, try to remember specifics, or misunderstand/misremember.

for me I feel like I am rude when i demand an answer. I want to be nice about it.

Following up is an important part of communication, and figuring out how to do it politely can pose some challenges. However there's almost always a polite way to follow up on a question or commitment, and it's useful to start figuring out how to do it now and get over the uncomfortable aspects of it. You'll use it in many more situations than just this one.

Consider searching for articles "polite follow up" and you'll find many resources. Here are a few tips:

  • Be overly polite
  • Don't bring up their inaction or unresponsiveness ("You haven't responded yet...")
  • Don't assume any reasons for lack of communication ("I understand you're busy...")
  • Use "I" and "Me" rather than "You" - frame the request as a need you have rather than a failure on their part
  • Communicate requirements - if there's a deadline, if it impacts your work or theirs, make sure they understand the limit
  • Ask if they need assistance - ("Is there anything else you need to make this decision?")
  • Use a different channel than the original request - in person, phone call, email, text, instant message, etc
  • Supply or re-iterate important information so they don't have to spend time looking something up
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If you've just asked I'd wait a while - probably a couple of days, but that depends on how soon you need an answer and how long it usually takes to get a reply. A few reasons for this - they might need to check in with anyone else who lives there, and check their calendar to make sure they're around.

Assuming you then don't get a reply, I'd go with apologising for asking again and explaining (briefly) why you need to know sooner rather than later.

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Perhaps there is an actual issue with you staying with your friend and this person doesn't know how to frame her "no" answer. To quickly resolve it, call your friend and ask for confirmation, assuring your friend it is ok if other plans are in the way.

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It may be important for you but not as important for someone else. They may be busy, get distracted by things more important for them and a lot of other reasons. In our day and age of hundreds of messages competing for human attention answering your message may be procrastinated even if you remind someone several times.

In his book "Never Split the Difference", Chris Voss suggests this trick: try to frame the question in order to get a "no" as the answer. For example:

Did you give up on this?

I don't know why this works but it is incredibly effective: according to my experience this always give you prompt answer unless the recipient really gave up.

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    This might work for a project manager asking about a work task, but it sounds pretty inappropriate for someone trying to gently prod their friend into action.
    – ChefAndy
    Commented Aug 11 at 17:37
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They could be delaying for a few reasons:

  1. They just forgot.
  2. They legit didn't have time.
  3. There's some logistical thing on their end that could be a deciding factor and they left you hanging because they didn't realize it would be so long to find out
  4. They really don't want to for whatever reason-- maybe they've just been super stressed and get stressed out by house guests-- but don't have a "solid" excuse, and don't know how to say no.
  5. They're dealing with severe depression, social anxiety or an executive functioning problem of some sort and have a hard time initiating tasks like that.

Here are my assumptions:

  1. You need an answer soon
  2. You're worried about being a pest
  3. You're worried that you're pressuring them into saying yes
  4. You don't want to damage your friendship by seeming judgemental about their flakiness, having no insight into why that's true. I reckon friends always deserve the most charitable reading of their actions.

You want to make this conversational rather than confrontational. For example, when you encounter someone you see infrequently where one of you says something like "hey we still need to get coffee sometime! Text me!" but you're both busy and it just never happens... the actual coffee date is secondary to conveying a certain level of intimacy in a friendship, and the desire to maintain that even if there's no realistic logistical way to make it happen. But you can express nearly the same lingual thing while making it more confrontational. If one of you said, "It's great to see you! The last time we hung out I said we should get coffee sometime and you didn't reach out to me. So please figure out an appropriate time for us to get coffee and let me know as soon as possible." There might not be anything factually incorrect about that, but it certainly puts a whole lot of pressure on them, and that's just not great for a friendship.

I'd write something like this:

Hello! I hate being a pest, but I have to figure out where I'm staying for my trip by [frisday january 62nd] at the latest. Booking a hotel room is no big deal, but I thought it would be nice to connect while saving some cash. It's no big deal for me to book a room, but the sooner I know, the better. I'll just assume it's not going to work out if I don't hear from you by [Tuesturday january 58th]. Either way, we should grab a [drink/bite/coffee/mini golf] while I'm in town! Thank you!

You convey:

  1. You're uncomfortable and feel like you're intruding, and their reply would relieve that tension.
  2. You do have options and are not pressuring them to say yes.
  3. You have a logistical deadline.
  4. The problem becomes more difficult to handle the longer they take to reply. and perhaps most importantly:
  5. No matter what happens, they're still your friend and their being flaky here isn't going to change that. Even if you don't think you'll be able to, making the gesture is important-- just cancel early if that's true. "Sorry, I found out that the after-event networking at this conference is really useful, so I should probably do that. Next time I'm in town, though!"

As for the phone call suggestion, that is extremely generation-dependent. Millennials and younger, on a whole, hate unexpected phone calls. Gen-X and above usually don't mind. If you grew up getting phone calls, as I did, it's just a normal, accepted type of communication. If you didn't grow up getting phone calls, they're not much different than someone walking up to you without caring what you're doing and demanding you stop and talk to them immediately. If this person is younger than 40, the only truly non-intrusive way to do that would be asking them to call you, but that's probably going to yield a worse result than some sort of text-based message.

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