How to deal with a huge misunderstanding and an angry ex-girlfriend?

Question

A few weeks ago, my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. It was a peaceful ending, with no tears, or fights - we simply accepted that was better for us to move on. We were living in the same place, until I found another apartment to move.

This week she accessed my personal computer without my permission, and read private chat messages between a friend and I. Without context, or full knowledge of what was the theme of the conversation, she jumped to the conclusion that I was cheating on her.

I won't go into details, but she reacted very negatively, and it resulted in a pretty bad situation, and her pulling a knife on me. She is now telling everyone (both our families) that I cheated on her.

Talking to her right now is impossible, as she just screams at me whenever I try to approach her. She also blocked me in social medias and chats. I live alone, so I don't have to face the embarrassment everyday, but I just want that my close family members to understand that I didn't cheat on her.

What can I possibly do to control this situation?

Answer 1

She doesn't sound like a very reasonable person. She's certainly not willing to respect any boundaries, and if she really did pull a knife on you, then she's dangerous as well.

Trying to talk to her and explain yourself is a lost cause, and frankly, not worth your time. Her bad-mouthing you to your family, however, is a big deal, and one that must be addressed as soon as possible. I would sit down with your parents, and tell them what happened. I would also sit down with any siblings and good friends (separately) and do the same.

Describe that you were still living together after having broken up. That she invaded your privacy by reading private messages, and that she misunderstood the content of those messages. Based on that misunderstanding, she then proceeded to pull a knife on you, and is currently running a campaign of misinformation against you. She's toxic, and they need to understand that.

At no point should you try and explain what you were speaking to your friends about, or what the inside joke may have been. That's private, and you owe no one an explanation about it. At most, admit that it may have been a bit of an immature conversation, but that what matters here is that it was private.

I would ask them for their support in this matter, and I hope that they know you well enough to realize that her account of events is not to be trusted. They'll hopefully spread the word to any other relatives of yours who may have heard about the debacle, and stand up for you in any public setting where this topic comes up.

As far as what her family thinks, if you happened to be fairly close with her parents prior to this incident, I would possibly send them a letter explaining your point of view, underlining that you were never unfaithful, and that she pulled a knife on you over information she misinterpreted after essentially spying on you. This is probably pissing in the wind, as they say, because it's very likely that they will stand by their daughter's account come hell or high water, but you could do it if you feel you have to set the record straight.

Note: Anything you say can, and will be used against you. Don't say anything to her family (in writing or otherwise) that could be misinterpreted, and possibly used against you in the court of public opinion, or worse, in a legal battle. This may sound paranoid, but I've met people who've endured with pretty crazy stuff from similarly angry and vengeful exes.

I would then move on with my life, and be ever thankful of having (mostly) dodged a speeding bullet. Not to mention a knife.

Answer 2

You don't really need to control the situation, it will take care of itself.

As much as vanity might demand it, there is no need for your rebuttal, and it's futile anyway - if you follow any of #metoo, you know that denials often do more harm than good.

Consider. You and she agreed to an amicable breakup. She gave her word and did not keep it. Her choice to snoop is the relevant matter, not "cheating: probably motivated by anger and wanting to find something to feed her anger monster. It means her promise to be peaceful was no good. Having snooped and broken her word, she's dug a hole, and can only get out by diverting attention, what's called "blame-shifting". It's a cheap trick, her acquaintances know this, they roll their eyes and go "there she goes again". It's unlikely they really blame you, but they're not going to dump their friend over it. Like the boys say, "Bros before romantic attractions".

As far as your friends and family members, they're going to side with you.

You'll not stop her from telling her fibs. It's not as damaging as you think. Not to you, anyway :)

Answer 3

This is a good case for never moving in with someone you don't fully intend to spend the rest of your life with (i.e. marry). If you have the slightest doubt -- don't do it. Breakups are so unpleasant, even under the best of circumstances. So much unnecessary, emotionally draining drama. And romantic relationships not built on real love, are by default built on lower quality things like convenience and exploitation of various kinds.

Moving into the same house with someone, to the extent of even sharing the same bed and bathroom, tacitly removes all proper boundaries, in the minds of most people. So if boundaries are important to you, it's an unwise choice of lifestyle.

Somehow she had physical access to your computer, and despite not showing emotion when you chose to move out, it is apparent she did feel she may have been treated dishonestly. So rather than accuse you without evidence, she chose to snoop into your social history. Obviously there was some trust issue for her at that point.

To pull a knife is just crazy. But people are often driven nuts by failing relationships. And for people with high-strung temperaments, or people who have simply been pushed over the edge -- it might mean a potential for violence, however irrational and unjustified. That's the whole point. The drive to temporary insanity is a short trip for some people.

All the more reason not to get overly involved in people, giving up personal space and boundaries, until you are quite sure you really trust them. And that you love them enough to treat them as something more than a passing fancy.

I won't go into details

...Tells us that there was some sort of discussion between the two of you, which took place after she became suspicious and prior to her pulling a knife out. And while she was wrong if it wasn't done strictly in self defense, what's done is settled already -- it's over.

The best thing for you is to move forward by considering how you might avoid getting into similar situations in the future. You're worried that people might think you cheated on her. But what should worry you more, is that someone could have gotten hurt.

Answer 4

I would suggest just telling your parents, friends, and those people who may hear otherwise the truth about what happened. There's always two sides/opinions to each story, so they can judge for themselves who and what they want to believe. Your ex-girlfriend obviously sees it differently than you and there nothing you can do to change her feelings, at least until she cools down.

When she's ready to talk, and if you still want to, then you can handle it then. Otherwise, no point in worrying about it, unless she continues or escalates the poor behavior. Good luck!