I'm 24 with a 4-year-old son. How to handle uncomfortable questions from people?

Question

I'm 24 years old and I have a 4 year old son who was conceived by accident. I don't know about other countries but that's definitely not usual in mine (Spain).

My son's mother and I broke up about three years ago but we get on well and are respectful of each other. I'm happy in life and don't have the feeling my life was ruined when my son was born. On the contrary, I don't regret it. I have a good job I like, MSc-level studies, good friends, and a wonderful family. I believe I'm doing an excellent job raising my son.

However I still feel very unconfortable when some people ask me certain questions. This has become quite usual with people I don't have a close relationship with - some coworkers, business partners, some neighbors, etc.

I'm really happy talking about my son and don't mind answering questions about him, such as "How old is he?", "What school does he go to?", or "how does he behave with other children?". But I don't feel comfortable when the questions are about me having a son. Like: "How come you've got a son?". And once I was directly asked "Why do you have a son?".

Guess what? Turns out the second kind of questions are the most usual ones from people I don't have a close relationship with.

I don't think these people should be asking such questions in the first place. I firmly believe they wouldn't ask them if I was 30+ years old.

What's the best way to let them know those questions are inappropriate and make me feel uncomfortable, while at the same time not making them feel uncomfortable as well?

Answer 1

Normally, the way to handle overly intrusive and rude questions is by staring a little and then saying

Excuse me?

Should they happen to repeat the question again, you can then ask

Are you seriously asking me why I have a child?

And then just stare until they apologize. You are not answering the question, in fact you are questioning the question, which in most cases will make the asker "withdraw" it. But even if they don't, you aren't answering and you "shut down" that avenue of the conversation.

However, you don't want to make them feel uncomfortable. So, try this:

I'm sure you know where babies come from. Ah, that was years ago, what matters now is that he's here and I love being his dad.

And then firmly change the subject. Did you see the game last night? Do you have children? Aren't these little tartlets delicious? I hope it doesn't rain tonight. Gosh, there's a lot of car traffic today isn't there? Do you know the name of that song that's playing right now? Where did you get those shoes?

Again, you're not answering the question (you don't want to, so you don't have to) and you're changing the subject so the person will not continue to ask you that sort of thing. The best way to handle a question you find rude and intrusive is not to answer it. Here, you've technically answered it by reminding the asker where babies come from (I mean really, how did you come to have a child? I think we can figure that out) but then a segue sentence that you are not going to discuss it further and then a firm subject change.

Answer 2

I used to get that a lot when I was out with my kids... People are kinda rude sometimes, but when it comes to your kids they really ought to know better. My eldest step son is 16, I'm 33. People had a hard time wrapping their head around that. Some still do, but turning grey at an early age seems to have helped.

I usually just let them be uncomfortable about it. They'd say the stupid thing, and I'd look at them like they were stupid, until they realized that they just said something incredibly rude and moved on. I know that's probably more confrontational than you want to be, but when it comes to your relationship with your kid you have every right to be.

It's nice to be nice, obviously, but not all situations require being nice. Sometimes you're well within your rights to make people a little uncomfortable when they've crossed a line.

If it's a situation where you really have to be nice, like dealing with your kid's new school teacher, sometimes deflecting with humor works just as well:

Why do you have a son?
Ya'know I've been asking myself the same thing...

Why do you have a son?
The stork has an unforgiving return policy.

Why do you have a son?
Dunno? He just followed me home one day.

Why do you have a son?
Aww I know I'm pretty, but do I really look that young?

The bottom line is, that is a very rude question, and you're entitled to push back a little. Make them feel a little stupid for asking, you're allowed.

Answer 3

First and foremost, their questions are presented in a thoroughly rude manner and are probably rhetorical. Those are very loaded questions and it seems like they want to illicit an emotion. People that ask these kinds of questions are usually out to make someone feel bad rather than get an honest answer but here goes nothing...

When asked "How come you've got a son?" or "Why do you have a son?" I would very politely say something like:

What do you mean?

It is very important to say this in a very polite and receiving tone of voice so that the asker is allowed to actually tell you what's on their mind or change their course of action.

By asking this you are forcing them to take a step back and evaluate if they really wish to elaborate on their petty remark and expose their bigoted predisposition.

How this conversation continues is dependent on the etiquette and awareness of the asker.

The person will either choose to explain their incomprehension or they will take the hint and steer the conversation into a more positive direction.

Answer 4

It's a rude thing to ask but I don't think the solution is to reciprocate with rudeness. Especially if it's as common as you say, you don't want to get a reputation for being irritable.

I think most of them are probably just genuinely curious. They're not asking the question in a tactful way (if that's even possible) but never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

I'd respond with a joke. It "answers" the question while hopefully making it clear that you don't actually want to answer the question. It doesn't shame them or make them feel bad for asking something rude, nor does it make you look rude in your response.

Something like:

Ahhh, don't worry. When you're older your parents will tell you all about the birds and the bees

It may be prudent to then change the subject ("He's great though, such a clever kid. The other day he...") so that you don't give them the opportunity to ask the question in a different way. You'd have to be pretty inept to not take the hint the first time but people can be pretty clueless sometimes.

Answer 5

I started working full time when I was 16 years old.

I would constantly be asked "Why aren't you in school?"

There are social expectations associated with both age and responsibilities. When we don't conform to the standard, then people feel compelled to ask why. Especially if you are violating an expectation they have on young people in general.

There will be people who see an opportunity to deliver their moral superiority upon you, and they will take advantage of that fact to make you uncomfortable for their own pleasure.

There will also be people who are just ignorant of what it's like to be you at that age and get asked those kinds of questions.

To all of the above you just answer

It's none of your business.

It will take time for you to believe that this is private, and you don't have to explain it to everyone.

Once you accept this is your own life, and you don't have to explain it to anyone else. You can then choose who you want to share the reasons with, and they can be told the truth as the way you see it. Without having to appease some social expectation about age and responsibilities.

Answer 6

Dealing with apprehension.

When my mother announced her pregnancy, my grandfather was apprehensive because it wasn't planned.
Her response was simple: "Unplanned is not the same as unwanted." That ended the conversation there as he had to agree with the distinction.

You have similar options here:

• Unplanned is not the same as unwanted.
• Regardless of age, I was ready for a child.
• I made a decision, and it was the right one.

It's not about engaging them in the discussion, it's about quickly explaining why the discussion might not be relevant to discuss to begin with. All three answers very quickly shut down conversation by pointing out that the assumption (too young, not ready, uninformed) is simply not correct to begin with.

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Dealing with subtle soapboxing.

But I don't feel comfortable when the questions are about me having a son. Like: "How come you've got a son?". And once I was directly asked "Why do you have a son?".

These question are asked with a hidden agenda: suggesting that [your presumed age] is much too young to have children.

Having that opinion is fine (to each their own). I don't mind an open debate on that topic. You might not, and that's fine too. But that's a matter of openly sidestepping the discussion, and suggesting that you agree to disagree.

However, there is a secondary thing here: leading statements. By asking the question, they are implicitly adding their opinion and the assumption that it is correct.
A classic example is asking someone "have you stopped beating your wife?". Replying either "yes" or "no" will always make it seem like you implicitly agree that you do beat your wife.

If you engage them in a discussion on young parents, you've implicated that you yourself feel like you were too young to be a parent ("if the shoe fits"). If you're the one who brings up the young age, then they technically did not tell you that you're too young, so they can't be blamed for then mentioning their opinion.

The solution here is to not respond to the subtle implication, and respond to the question as asked - making no inferences whatsoever.

This is effectively fighting fire with fire (manipulating the conversation away from where it was manipulated towards), but in a fairly harmless way. It allows for the topic to be sidestepped with no friction if you pick a funny instead of combative answer.

"How come you've got a son?"

• Oh. did your parents not have "the talk" with you?
• Sexual intercourse.
• Amazon order.

"Why do you have a son?"

Pointless "why" questions generally deserve a "why not?" response. It quickly ends discussions where the asker did not have a specific question in mind and is more just on a fishing expedition to find things to argue against.

An alternative would be to label the question as philosophical and explicitly sidestep the discussion altogether.

Other answers are possible, but are generally considered more combative.

Answer 7

I would try to move the subject on as quickly as possible by replying with something like:

Being a young dad was not part of my "great plan", but I'm so glad it happened, because it's the best thing that's happened in my life.

Then move on to talking about the positives that have come as a result.

My daughter gave birth at 17 to a 12-weeks premature boy. She is now stronger, more responsible, more balanced and more loving than any 20 year old I know. She gets similar questions, but tends to reply with "It happens. And I wouldn't change it for the world". And as 50 year old granddad of a nearly 3 year old legend of a grandson, I couldn't agree more.

Answer 8

I'm 26 and I'm getting my son in ~2-3 weeks. When I told my colleagues (who are 5-7 years older and have no children), the situation was pretty similar.

In your situation I'd go for 2 possible answers on the question "Why do you have a son?".

I think everything is said, if you ask them back: "Why do/don't you?" It gives the asker enough time to think about his question and realize it might have been a bad idea to ask it. Also this "counter-question" kind of blocks further questions about you.

In your specific case you can also say that you finished your education and you want to have a family/son now. In my opinion that's a pretty good and simple reason.

Answer 9

Contrary to more popular opinions, I do not perceive these questions as rude or offensive. Maybe You should not too?

Humans are, in general, curious creatures, interested in anything out of the ordinary. Certainly in Europe being a single father at Your age is not ordinary, so it is not surprising You draw attention. There is nothing malicious about this, in itself.

So why not share the main bullet points of Your story? It's positive and heart-warming, a 'good-end' to an otherwise sad situation. In the age of hyper-protective parents, greedy multinational corporations, terrorism, and corrupt, weak governments, I think everybody would be happy to hear about a young man who stood up to the challenge and did a good job.

And if someone thinks less of You, then You know what value this person has, and therefore there is no need to care about that particular opinion.

Openness and honesty are forgotten, but powerful weapons. You did nothing wrong and there is no reason to hide.

Answer 10

Fellow Spaniard here, in case it matters.

Most of the time when people ask me this kind of questions, I find that the best response is to turn the question against them:

Q: —How come you have a son? / Why do you have a son?
A: —And why wouldn't I have one?

This is usually followed by an awkward "Well.. um... because, you know..." on their part, expecting you to finish the sentence with the "obvious" (to their judgmental minds) reason why.
Of course, you should just ignore this silent cry for help and patiently wait for their answer, maybe add some pressure ("No, seriously, why?"), until they "get it" and change the subject -- hopefully forever.

With this, you're essentially going all-in and saying: I know what you're thinking, but you'll have to grow a pair and actually say it out loud to my face; or else shut up.

They usually shut up.

Saying bad things face to face is hard, and that's why this works.

Once in a while, though, you might get an actual answer, like "because you are too young / are too poor / are still inexperienced / no sabes nada, John Nieve". Good! Now you have a specific opinion that you can shut down with a specific answer.
By now I'm sure you've heard each of those claims a dozen times before, and know how to reply to them, but other answers in this thread can help you do so if you don't. Some possible options:

• Too young? Lots of people my age have kids without a problem. / I'd rather be a young and happy father than having to deal with a teenager in my 50s.
• Too poor? I work hard and I'm single, so actually I can save more than most people.
• Too inexperienced? No one is born knowing everything, better start now. / Surely 4 years ahead of most kid-less people talking out of their asses...
• You know knothing? I'm the father of dragons, and the 4yo one is kickin' ass!

Of course, you can always disarm such remarks with a blunt and simple "Well, that's _your_ opinion".

Answer 11

I would personally find this question rude. My personal life is none of their business unless I want it to be. My response to these questions would be a soft reprimand delivered in the form of a joke. A specific example of how I would do this is: "Well when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...". This would (hopefully) help the person asking to understand I'm not going to give them a straight answer. The specific words said would need to change based on culture and I can't give a firm suggestion for Europe or Spain.

This kind of answer lets the person know that you heard the question. It lets them know that you are not prepared to give a serious answer to the question they asked. Answering the question in a way that one might address a child seems very rude on the surface. However, it's a relatively gentle way to point out that you find the question being asked is not appropriate. If the person asking presses the issue it's okay to go with something more direct like, "That's a pretty personal question. I'm not going to answer it."

Answer 12

There are two parts we want to accomplish, make them understand that you find their question inappropriate, and make not make them uncomfortable.

In my personal experience this can be done by acknowledging that their question had a merit, but at the same time it is none of their business.

So, along these times, I would say:

I understand that it is not very common for someone at my age to have a child, but this question is rather personal.

By answering in the previous way, you only assume that their question was sparked by a sudden curiosity and had no malintent, but at the same time it is out of bounds. The curiosity could have been a by-product of the fact that you have a nice job, you are doing a masters and at the same time you are managing raising a son, which sounds rather impressive, which would be another reason I personally would refrain from assuming malintent.