I am newly married 27 year-old lady from India.

My husband really likes oral sex, but I hate it... It is really uncomfortable for me and I feel like it is disgusting and I don't know that it is correct or not also....

Other than that he is a really good husband.

How do I tell him that I don't like oral sex anymore without hurting his feelings... and I fear that he will go for other women if I reject oral sex, so is there a way to explain to him that I don't like oral sex, but I don't want to go him for other women....

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    Did you ever like it? I assume you mean you giving the oral sex? – paparazzo Dec 26 '17 at 13:58
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    Do you know what makes you feel it is disgusting/uncomfortable? For instance it could be bad hygiene, or that you find the act degrading/immoral. – clark Dec 26 '17 at 18:21
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    Isn't it prudent just to assume the author knows what they enjoy and answer their question as asked? Analyzing their motives presumably just to say "don't have the problem" seems outside the purview of this site. – Robert Cartaino Dec 27 '17 at 1:24
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    @RobertCartaino I asked because if she knew, that could be taken into consideration in order to give an answer that makes sure that her husband's feelings are not hurt. She said that she finds disgusting/uncomfortable, which makes me believe she thinks that this act is immoral. For instance if that was the case I think it would be easier for her husband not to get hurt if he knew that this act goes against her morals, than her telling him that she finds it disgusting. – clark Dec 27 '17 at 1:34

First I would tell him some things you appreciate about him as a husband. You said he is a good husband except for this one thing. Tell him this, and explain why.

Then bring up the topic of oral sex. Explain that while it may be fun for him, it is not for you. Sex is ideally enjoyable for both parties, but this hasn't been. Is there anything else you could do together instead? Try to think of something else that would be enjoyable for both of you.

What you are trying to communicate is that you love him, but you would prefer to show your love in a way other than oral sex. This way you aren't telling him you want to be less intimate, but only that you'd like to change the details of how you express your love for him.

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    Beware of the you are a great husband BUT ... pattern. After the BUT, he wont‘t listen. – michi Dec 27 '17 at 0:11
  • @michi Also, I think this has nothing to do with him not being a great husband, as he is completely unaware that this is causing her any emotional distress. – clark Dec 27 '17 at 3:54
  • @michi That's a fair point. – Roijan Eskor Dec 27 '17 at 6:10
  • @clark I agree, my comment aimed at the suggested strategy of communication, like to embed a controversial topic into praise, and linking these elements with BUT. – michi Dec 27 '17 at 8:59
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    As the OP doesn’t mention love, it might be better to leave it out if the answer. – Spagirl Dec 28 '17 at 11:24

How do I communicate to my husband that I don't like oral sex?

First, there is nothing wrong with your husband wanting/liking oral sex. In fact, you have been enabling this expectation by not being open and honest with him regarding how you feel about this act.

I would suggest you have a frank conversation regarding what is and is not acceptable to you regarding your sexual relationship with him. Be sure to do this in such a way that its not him that you don't like, but that particular act (or acts if there are others). Your delivery of this news to him will be key in that it should in no way be an attack on him.

Also, be prepared for your husband to be a bit shocked, a little pissed, and surprised by the fact that you all of the sudden (from his perspective) are not interesting in performing this act.

Finally, going forward as you explore your sexuality, if you don't like a particular act/position, be open and honest about it quickly.

Like anything else, you're always free to say:

No.

Particularly when it comes to sex, or particular sex acts you aren't comfortable with, "no" is always an option.

In the case of oral sex there are lots of perfectly reasonable reasons to say no. Some people find it morally objectionable, some find it objectifying, some don't like the effort involved, some simply don't like it, and the list goes on.

The most common reason I've heard is that it's not reciprocal... If this is your objection address it specifically, some people just aren't as aware as they ought to be when it comes to these things. A quick conversation may clear that issue up.

Whatever your reasons are, your partner should understand them and respect them. But that means you're going to have to have an open honest conversation about it.

Usually the easiest way to address these things with a long term partner is to sugar coat it a little bit.

I really don't like doing X, could we do Y instead?

Alternatives soften the blow a little, you're not rejecting your partner, or their needs, you're rejecting the specific act. Sometimes the alternative came become a preference, and ideally it will be something that you both enjoy.

I'm guessing that you're both somewhat inexperienced, being newly married and all. Sometimes offering to explore and find something new that you both like will send your partner's mind racing away from the things you don't like, and lay the ground work towards a better sex life in general.

I really don't like X, could we explore and find something new to try?

Variety is the spice of life, don't get trapped in a routine that doesn't work for you. Be creative, explore, try new things, and most of all, have fun ;)

This will be a man's perspective - raher than telling what you should do, I will attempt to provide some feel for how it may look from the other side, to help you consider how to address the situation, based on your particulars.

As a man for whom oral sex is a significant part of sex life, I found myself in a situation you describe. My wife never told me she didn't like oral sex until some time after we were married.

It should perhaps be noted that it turned out she doesn't like either giving or receiving it -- as I was more than happy to give her the same kind of pleasure I received. Broadly for the same reasons -- she considered it "dirty" and "disgusting".

Of course, I respect her dislike, so we don't have it anymore.

However, I did and do feel hurt about her not being straight about it from the beginning, and I did feel that she concealed her dislike until our relationship was firmly anchored.

Plus, of course, here was she telling me that I had inadvertedly been causing her significant discomfort during parts of what should have been an enjoyable and most intimate times for both of us.

I thought for some time about why was I particularly aggravated about this, and beside the reasons mentioned I came up with something that might possibly explain it not only for me, but for some others, too.

It appears that for me either giving or receiving oral sex shows the total acceptance of other's body -- it is as close as you can feel and say "i love you" with sex, as possible.

Therefore to withhold it and to dislike receiving it either, feels like the partner neither wishes to say nor to hear "i love you" during sex.

It is of course not about reality of loving or not somebody -- it is about how some things or lack of them feel.

I was not always eager to give oral pleasure either, but when I understood that no part of a body is "dirtier" than other -- provided hygiene is maintained, of course -- and that giving my partner pleasure really excites me -- that removed any reservations I had about it.

You have every right (and you should) to refuse doing what makes you feel bad in sex. If you don't, it would, apart from other things, raise your stress and possibly make you feel resentful at your husband -- without actually being able to blame him for anything,as you haven't told him what you dislike.

At the same time I encourage you to consider seriously the reasons you have for feeling the way you do -- not in order to do what you don't want, but in order to see whether maybe some things seem to feel differently when you take time to think about them from a different angle.

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    You seem to tell her 'do it ASAP' but without explaining how, and you also seem to tell her 'don't do it at all, here's why'... Could you maybe explain how she should tell, because that's what the OP wants? And are you really saying that without oral sex, there's no love? – Tinkeringbell Feb 8 at 9:46
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    What I found helpful about this answer was the part about feeling hurt about finding out with a delay -- because partner had not been frank about this distaste earlier on. – aparente001 Feb 24 at 15:50

I've been wrapping my mind around this question for some time now. What makes it so complex for me is that you, Chammpi have given so little context.

How do I tell him that I don't like oral sex anymore without hurting his feelings... and I fear that he will go for other women if I reject oral sex

IMO, it all boils down to two questions:

(1) how realistic is this expectation (that he will seek a new oral-sex-provider) ?

and closely related...

(2) if he did - what effects would that have on you?

(1) As long as your husband doesn't know that you dislike giving oral sex to him, he has no cue to change or seek resolution together with you.

In my personal definition, a "good husband" would be at least concerned if he knew that his wife does something she strongly dislikes; he would then try to find a good solution for both of them, plus he would encourage more openness in all aspects to forming the relationship in a way it fits to the needs of both partners.

I am well aware though that there are different definitions of a "good husband", specially in contexts with high social pressure being put on young people to succeed as wife / husband, and the absence of options to design the relationship or get divorced. This is especially true if someone else chose that person for you and arranged that marriage with you having little or no say in this.

(2) As others have noted, if oral sex is an essential part of your relationship, and your husband is likely to ignore your needs, and you are really dependent on this marriage, then there is a different perspective.

In this case, I would like to motivate you to reduce your dependency on this marriage. I frankly do not know if and to what extent this is possible for you, I certainly wish it is.

If you would choose that path, "optimizing" the act itself (making it less troubling for you) might be the way to go, until you are in the position to stop doing it.

In strategic marital counselling there are strategies applied to influence the partner's behaviour by changing own behaviour, if the partner does not come to the counselling sessions, talking about it is not an option (yet), and the issue is putting damage on one partner.

These strategies do not involve talking about it, but altering the underlying structure of the interaction in ways that make it less desirable - see example.
The information given in the question is too vague though to suggest a specific strategy.

  • +1, specifically for "reduce your dependency on this marriage". If you can't even consider the thought of ending the relationship if there's trouble because you depend on him financially that's bound to create resentment at some point. – AllTheKingsHorses Feb 8 at 9:28

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