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I am newly married 27 year-old lady from India.

My husband really likes oral sex, but I hate it... It is really uncomfortable for me and I feel like it is disgusting and I don't know that it is correct or not also....

Other than that he is a really good husband.

How do I tell him that I don't like oral sex anymore without hurting his feelings... and I fear that he will go for other women if I reject oral sex, so is there a way to explain to him that I don't like oral sex, but I don't want to go him for other women....

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    Did you ever like it? I assume you mean you giving the oral sex? – paparazzo Dec 26 '17 at 13:58
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    Do you know what makes you feel it is disgusting/uncomfortable? For instance it could be bad hygiene, or that you find the act degrading/immoral. – clark Dec 26 '17 at 18:21
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    Isn't it prudent just to assume the author knows what they enjoy and answer their question as asked? Analyzing their motives presumably just to say "don't have the problem" seems outside the purview of this site. – Robert Cartaino Dec 27 '17 at 1:24
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    @RobertCartaino I asked because if she knew, that could be taken into consideration in order to give an answer that makes sure that her husband's feelings are not hurt. She said that she finds disgusting/uncomfortable, which makes me believe she thinks that this act is immoral. For instance if that was the case I think it would be easier for her husband not to get hurt if he knew that this act goes against her morals, than her telling him that she finds it disgusting. – clark Dec 27 '17 at 1:34
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    just to clarify: you don't like performing, receiving, or both? – aaaaaa Dec 16 '18 at 14:49
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First I would tell him some things you appreciate about him as a husband. You said he is a good husband except for this one thing. Tell him this, and explain why.

Then bring up the topic of oral sex. Explain that while it may be fun for him, it is not for you. Sex is ideally enjoyable for both parties, but this hasn't been. Is there anything else you could do together instead? Try to think of something else that would be enjoyable for both of you.

What you are trying to communicate is that you love him, but you would prefer to show your love in a way other than oral sex. This way you aren't telling him you want to be less intimate, but only that you'd like to change the details of how you express your love for him.

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    Beware of the you are a great husband BUT ... pattern. After the BUT, he wont‘t listen. – michi Dec 27 '17 at 0:11
  • @michi That's a fair point. – Roijan Eskor Dec 27 '17 at 6:10
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    As the OP doesn’t mention love, it might be better to leave it out if the answer. – Spagirl Dec 28 '17 at 11:24
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Like anything else, you're always free to say:

No.

Particularly when it comes to sex, or particular sex acts you aren't comfortable with, "no" is always an option.

In the case of oral sex there are lots of perfectly reasonable reasons to say no. Some people find it morally objectionable, some find it objectifying, some don't like the effort involved, some simply don't like it, and the list goes on.

The most common reason I've heard is that it's not reciprocal... If this is your objection address it specifically, some people just aren't as aware as they ought to be when it comes to these things. A quick conversation may clear that issue up.

Whatever your reasons are, your partner should understand them and respect them. But that means you're going to have to have an open honest conversation about it.

Usually the easiest way to address these things with a long term partner is to sugar coat it a little bit.

I really don't like doing X, could we do Y instead?

Alternatives soften the blow a little, you're not rejecting your partner, or their needs, you're rejecting the specific act. Sometimes the alternative came become a preference, and ideally it will be something that you both enjoy.

I'm guessing that you're both somewhat inexperienced, being newly married and all. Sometimes offering to explore and find something new that you both like will send your partner's mind racing away from the things you don't like, and lay the ground work towards a better sex life in general.

I really don't like X, could we explore and find something new to try?

Variety is the spice of life, don't get trapped in a routine that doesn't work for you. Be creative, explore, try new things, and most of all, have fun ;)

9

How do I communicate to my husband that I don't like oral sex?

First, there is nothing wrong with your husband wanting/liking oral sex. In fact, you have been enabling this expectation by not being open and honest with him regarding how you feel about this act.

I would suggest you have a frank conversation regarding what is and is not acceptable to you regarding your sexual relationship with him. Be sure to do this in such a way that its not him that you don't like, but that particular act (or acts if there are others). Your delivery of this news to him will be key in that it should in no way be an attack on him.

Also, be prepared for your husband to be a bit shocked, a little pissed, and surprised by the fact that you all of the sudden (from his perspective) are not interesting in performing this act.

Finally, going forward as you explore your sexuality, if you don't like a particular act/position, be open and honest about it quickly.

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    @DaveSherohman The first paragraph, which basically tells the OP that there is "nothing wrong" with a sexual act that they state they object to, and somewhat accuses them of being to blame for her husband expecting it. When someone insists on sex that the other party objects to, it is called rape. The OP is entitled to their own view on it, and that should have been taken as a given when answering this question. A frame-challenge is not really appropriate on this matter. – Astralbee Dec 19 '18 at 12:03
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    @DaveSherohman Agree. You cannot do a thing willingly and then object to it down the road and not expect the other party to be like "what the heck?!?!". The key to my answer that some are over looking is to be honest and straight forward about what is and is not acceptable to them. – Mister Positive Dec 19 '18 at 14:11
  • @Astralbee - The first paragraph says there is nothing wrong with her husband liking oral sex, which is 100% correct. If he demanded oral sex, then that would be wrong, but he is not wrong to like it. Even knowing that his wife dislikes it, he would still not be wrong to like it, so long as he accepts that she doesn't like it and does not pressure her to do it anyhow. People like what they like and, as long as they don't feel that their desires create entitlement for the desire to be fulfilled, there is nothing wrong with that. – Dave Sherohman Dec 20 '18 at 8:44
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I've been wrapping my mind around this question for some time now. What makes it so complex for me is that you, Chammpi have given so little context.

How do I tell him that I don't like oral sex anymore without hurting his feelings... and I fear that he will go for other women if I reject oral sex

IMO, it all boils down to two questions:

(1) how realistic is this expectation (that he will seek a new oral-sex-provider) ?

and closely related...

(2) if he did - what effects would that have on you?

(1) As long as your husband doesn't know that you dislike giving oral sex to him, he has no cue to change or seek resolution together with you.

In my personal definition, a "good husband" would be at least concerned if he knew that his wife does something she strongly dislikes; he would then try to find a good solution for both of them, plus he would encourage more openness in all aspects to forming the relationship in a way it fits to the needs of both partners.

I am well aware though that there are different definitions of a "good husband", specially in contexts with high social pressure being put on young people to succeed as wife / husband, and the absence of options to design the relationship or get divorced. This is especially true if someone else chose that person for you and arranged that marriage with you having little or no say in this.

(2) As others have noted, if oral sex is an essential part of your relationship, and your husband is likely to ignore your needs, and you are really dependent on this marriage, then there is a different perspective.

In this case, I would like to motivate you to reduce your dependency on this marriage. I frankly do not know if and to what extent this is possible for you, I certainly wish it is.

If you would choose that path, "optimizing" the act itself (making it less troubling for you) might be the way to go, until you are in the position to stop doing it.

In strategic marital counselling there are strategies applied to influence the partner's behaviour by changing own behaviour, if the partner does not come to the counselling sessions, talking about it is not an option (yet), and the issue is putting damage on one partner.

These strategies do not involve talking about it, but altering the underlying structure of the interaction in ways that make it less desirable - see example.
The information given in the question is too vague though to suggest a specific strategy.

-4

I would say that it's better to focus on trying to understand why your husband likes that instead of trying to express what you want. Usually, when we feel that our proposal may be rejected, we will have an insecurity, and this insecurity will make others insecure as well, and both sides will be dragged into a vicious cycle with no way out.

The ability to help each of you discover a new facet of your partner is that both persons work out to find the exact reasons why he likes this and you don't. Why do you feel oral sex disgusting, and why does he like it? What memories bring you two to your current situation? When you have answers for this, you and your husband will be surprised for yourself and each other, and your memories will be appreciated by the other.

By getting to the mindset of exploring the other's perspective instead of telling it is bad without reasons, both of you can see the benefits to construct the conversation, instead of having insecurities and having to sugarcoat it. The I-message will be used reflexively, and you will listen mindfully and be curious for a perspective you don't know of, instead of feeling frustrated or attacked.

If both of you can approach the other's preference with a mindset of curiosity, then both of you will be opened, and you don't have to ask this question at the first place.

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