What am I doing wrong if people repeat their original offers and requests despite me declining them?

Question

Problem

I've noticed a common pattern in my interactions. A person—whether a coworker, relative, or acquaintance—makes an offer or request. I politely and respectfully decline, explaining why it's unacceptable, and usually offer an alternative or try to negotiate. The person doesn't argue, negotiate, or engage in any discussion; they simply walk away. Later, they come back with the same offer or request, as if I hadn't explained anything. I decline again, and this cycle continues, sometimes for several rounds, without any progress towards a deal.

Example 1

A couple of years ago, a potential employer in a European country offered me a job. I respectfully declined, explaining that my current job was better for me both career-wise and financially. I also mentioned that I would consider his offer if it included a substantially higher pay. He didn't seem offended and didn't counter my arguments.

However, since then, he has been emailing me twice a year with the same offer (adjusted merely for inflation) and asking if I've changed my mind. Each time, he emphasizes various benefits of working for him but doesn't directly address my reasons for refusal. I've always responded with a polite no, briefly repeating my reasons and inviting him to discuss the pay, but he ignores that.

I believe we could negotiate a mutually beneficial deal, but he appears to be blindly stuck to his original offer and unwilling to discuss his reasons for not changing it.

Example 2

My parents told me they plan to leave their entire estate to my brother because they believe he will need it more (see this post for details). As a result, I stopped talking with them, leaving email as the only option for contact. I stopped giving them psychological support and any kind of advice. I explained that any interaction with them would remind me of their utterly unfair decision. I also told them to turn to my brother for any help.

Despite my explanation, my parents have been bombarding me with requests to restore the relationship and help them with advice. My mother has a complicated medical condition, with doctors offering conflicting opinions and different treatment options. Unable to navigate the medical information on their own, my parents want my advice. I have reiterated my reason for refusal multiple times, but they just ignore it and repeat their requests.

Without my advice, my mother underwent a surgery that later proved to be unnecessary, and her condition substantially deteriorated as a result. Even now, struggling with aggravated health issues and needing my advice and support even more, my parents are still unwilling to reconsider or even discuss their decision to leave everything to my brother. They don't challenge my view that their decision is unfair. Instead, they send emails like, "Think how much time and effort we invested in you when you were a child," and "How could you not want to help even a little bit." They have also tried to change my mind by involving relatives and even a coworker of mine (by sending her a message).

Additional remarks

These examples are not isolated exceptions. Even a close friend repeatedly asks me to rent a flat together to save money, unable to accept my reason for saying no (which is that privacy is important to me).

I must be doing something wrong, but I have no idea what it is. I've asked a couple of friends, but they couldn't provide useful feedback.

Question

What am I doing wrong? How do I stop people from repeating the same offer or request over and over again? How do I make them understand that their original offer or request is unacceptable to me, no matter how many times they repeat it? How do I make them take my reasons for refusal seriously? How do I get them to choose between engaging in a real discussion or negotiation and simply leaving me alone?

Answer 1

What you describe has nothing related to IPS per se, but to psychology, and is more of a mild form of resilience and "level 1 unconscious gaslighting" with a little bit of coercion and a little bit of scapegoating:

Resilience is the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands.

You wonder 1. what you did in order for you to face this kind of behaviour (repeatedly asking), and 2. why people do what they do and ask again. Answers are pretty small and straightforward:

1. Nothing special.
2. Has the situation evolved?

Now, if you analyse the 2 situations, you'll see a common pattern. People want to know if you changed your mind.

As for the employer, it's a pretty standard behaviour: they keep in touch and want you to know that they're still available, letting you know that, if you changed your mind, the position is there for you to negociate. They expect an answer only if you're interested. Don't try and negociate or make your point(s) or convince them, it's a plain and simple YES/NO.

As for your family, it's the same thing: did time make its office and make you change your mind? By asking again, people (consciously or not), want to sow the seeds of doubt in your mind. Maybe you have changed your mind (or will), maybe you'll feel guilty after refusing once again, maybe you won't have enough strength to say no once more...

You can identify this behaviour as early as kindergarden-time, when toddlers repeatedly say the same thing, thinking you'll change your mind just because they say it, and say it, and say it again. People behave like this because "no" doesn't seem to be an answer. They keep pushing with the hope that you'll change your mind.

You did nothing wrong, it's human nature to behave like they do.

Now, as the IPS answer to that, experience taught me that the only two ways to deal with it are: 1. quietly and firmly stand your ground 2. ignore them or their request, depending on the situation (if personal or professional) and the relationship.

In your case #1, as it's a professional, not big deal not to answer. Keep in touch only if you're interested in something they can do for you. Everybody is doing that in real life, it's part of the game, they expect that. About the family business, it's way much touchy...

As already said in answers to your previous question, dealing with your parents can be done either way: the one you're actually using, or another one (there's always "another way" I guess). Your call. No matter what they ask/expect, it's your choice. Mine was to stand my ground up to my tolerance level. Once reached, I would stop calling/answering/visiting until the heat is off, and (almost) everyone had chilled out. It sometimes took years before I talk to some persons of my family. But family business is always different for every individual. I chose to stand my ground with always the same answer and argument. I chose not to answer their question when asked again and again. I chose to dodge the bullets anytime they would fire the same arguments. It is then your resilience. It didn't help that much for years, until time has done its office, and my resilience was "the last man standing". Did I do something wrong? I don't think so. I just didn't let them push until they "win" (for lack of a better word, as there's no winner in these tough family cases).

So, to clear your points one by one (with a "most probably" warning ahead of each answer), and as I've witnessed/suffered enough of these through decades:

1. How do I stop people from repeating the same offer or request over and over again? -> you can't (unless you burn all bridges)

2. How do I make them understand that their original offer or request is unacceptable to me, no matter how many times they repeat it? -> you can't (unless you burn all bridges) because what matters to them is them asking, not you answering.

3. How do I make them take my reasons for refusal seriously? -> you can't (unless you burn all bridges)

4. How do I get them to choose between engaging in a real discussion or negotiation and simply leaving me alone? -> you can't (unless you burn all bridges)

As you can see, it's not something you can really control, it's human behaviour, and people expect you to modify your stance/opinion. The way to handle it is your choice, as well as the possible consequences on the relationship.

Answer 2

Not everything in life is a negotiation. Not every time that I ask you for something am I willing to ask differently, or turn my "please give me X" into a "please trade me X if I give you Y" offering. Sometimes "please give me X" means "I really want X and I hope you will give it to me", nothing more, nothing less.

I treat almost nothing as a negotiation. Someone asks me for something, I say "sure!" or "no thankyou" and that's that. They don't ask me over and over. When I say "well I would but" or "no unless" or "only if" they go on and on requesting the same thing without addressing my but, unless, or if. It's like they hear "this decision isn't quite settled yet and you can change it if you say the right thing to me".

Why do they keep asking?

The potential employer has a budget for a position, and believes you're a good fit for it. They will not (it is clear) change that budget. This doesn't oblige you to take the job, but understand: they don't have to come back with a higher salary, even if they could be sure you would take the job if they did. They have the budget they have.

The parents desperately need help. They are not competent at navigating the medical decisions they need to make. They are probably not also super competent at parenting from your account of them. But they need help. So they are calling "help!". You are not obliged to help them any more than you are obliged to take a job that pays less than you are worth, but they, I am quite sure, do not understand why you will not help, and are not going to change their will to get that help even if you somehow got across to them that your position (demand?) is that they do so. Instead they remind you of your societal obligation and hope you will do "your duty". They have few other options.

The person who wants to share a flat is probably similar. They want to live away from their current situation, but can't afford it and would like to save rent by sharing with someone. So they ask. They call "help!". They can't make you a better offer or otherwise persuade you. They hope you change your position over time, because hope is the only strategy they have in this situation.

My advice to you is to stop treating these requests as the start of a negotiation where you say "no" or "no, unless..." or "only if you..." and each of these replies interchangeably results in the person improving their offer or moving towards your position. Instead, treat them as requests and reply accordingly.

• No thankyou
• I cannot do that because [half a sentence that does not contain any suggestion they can fix this]
• That doesn't work for me
• It's still no on that one, sorry
• Nothing has changed, I'm not going to do that

Example for the job "no thankyou, I prefer my current job to what you are offering." Example for the parents "I cannot get wrapped up in the medical issues while we have unresolved emotional pain, my head does not work properly to do the work it would require while I'm being reminded of our issues." Example for the room-mate, "no thankyou, but I will let you know if any of our mutual friends mention they might be available."

On the matter of your parents, if you can actually do the medical stuff but want to make them change their minds, I recommend you do it. They clearly need your help and are doing it all wrong. They may never change their minds; if you're able to help them anyway that would be good. Sure, being competent and capable is exactly why they have told you they won't be helping you, and that's wrong of them, but that has happened and is over. If they were going to change it, they would have already. It's not a negotiating point or a bargaining chip. Set it aside and consider and "am I actually capable of helping?" If it's no, then it's no. Period. Not "unless you change your will" just no. If it's yes, then consider yes.

Answer 3

I agree with the previous posters that you must distinguish what you can change from what you can't, and the distinctions between standard behaviors (recruiters) vs. family crises. But you can steer the conversation differently.

1. If you once explained your motives, if people ignore them, they do not deserve to hear them again (but read below).

2. One way to discourage people who annoy you is to seriously and unemotionally respond with the same thing and nothing else. E.g. "I don't like it when you do this". You can apply this to 1 and 3 (the friend) in a modified way. For instance, just re-forward your original reply, again and again. Eventually they will get it that the conversation has ended.

3. Don't be defensive (explaining) but lead (ask them). It seems you may have done this already in examples 1 and 2, not sure how from your question? Example 1. Instead of your first reply, explanations, maybe counter offer, second time be brief "offer me X" with no explanation. Then they are on the spot. If they send the same offer again, you can send the same answer (adjusted for inflation). With the friend who wants to move with you "find an apartment with 2 bathrooms/2 separate entrances" whatever your privacy requires. It does not matter if such an apartment does not exist or is not affordable; she is being absurd in ignoring your motives, you can be a bit too (never over the top, you want to de-escalate your disagreement and stay friends).

The situation with your parents is far more painful and stressful and it's not sure that such a policy can fix it, but my suggestion, if you can do it, is this. You first explain (or explained) your motives and feelings. Afterwards what's left is to control the discussion and stay constructive. and positive inasmuch as possible. Can you propose something that's more fair to you? For example, assure your parents that your care for them and the brother is worth more than the money they will leave him? In any case, every time your point of view is ignored, return with your proposal, the same proposal. But be nice; for example, state that you love your family, but that you believe plan X is the best one. And stick with it. This way you leave the communication open, but you refuse the conversations where your point of view is not respected.

In summary, you can't stop people from asking you the same thing, but you can stay polite and even nice, and in the same time effectively close the conversations you don't want to have. I wish you good luck with your family situation.