Friend in a group behaving a bit strange, how to distance myself without being too forward?

Question

I have a friend in a group. Let's call her Wendy. The group is rather large and diverse, but a core 8-9 people meet regularly, and she is part of this core group.

She and I have dated in the past, but we didn't go very deep. Some dates, we didn't go past holding hands. I tend to make a lot of jokes and tease people; and she, to put it simply, has a quick and hot temper that arises at almost anything.

Examples:

1. Her hands were dirty so I took her napkin to wet it to help her and she lashed out at me for touching her napkin (paper ones).

2. Jokingly said that her distant not-so-close friend would not let her sleep on his bed if she visits him. (seriously, not many people would sacrifice their bed and go sleep on the couch)

She would not talk to me for a long time during the date then scold me. So after about about a month of dating I decided it was not worth it.

So now the strange part, she has done and does things like:

1. Meow in my ear at a party softly while putting her head on my shoulder (I'm not really into that kinda thing).
2. Grab my bag, me, and/or my keychains.
3. Constantly texts me about my current girlfriend and asksif I'm still with her. (Alice, my current girlfriend, and I had a big fight once and we were thinking of breaking it off.)
4. Sits really close to me and looks at me a lot whenever we are out as a group

Now, I have decided in my mind that I would like to continue to join this group on their outings, as most of the members are pretty cool people that I get along great with.
However, whenever she is present, she will do some of the above and generally then the group will try to shift the entire activity to her liking (her tastes are unique).

I have spoken to other people in the group about her behavior. They said that it was a by-product of her family situation and that I should just tolerate it.

I did tell her that I found the meow strange but she told me that it was just a joke. After that she didn't do it again. (To me, it didn't feel like a joke at all.) She does this with others and I have asked one or two other members and they say that yeah, she's strange.

TLDR: A girl I dated in the past in a group of friends kinda creeps me out. How do I deal with that while still wanting to enjoy the rest of the group?

Answer 1

i did tell her that i found the meow weird but she told me it's just a joke. But she didn't do it again.

In the above example you raised an issue with a specific behavior of hers and she downplayed it in person by saying it was just a joke, but then respected the boundary that you had placed. From this, it is reasonable to assume that she would also respect a larger boundary if you asked her to.

Downplaying/denying embarrassing actions such as flirting (which is what she was doing) is a very normal and common reaction from people when confronted with those actions. She said that it was just a joke with the purring, and may say something similar when you establish this new boundary; I would not argue or worry about this. Your goal is to stop those actions and not put her down, and even if she tries to save face in the moment, from what we can tell it is clear she will respect your wishes and stop after you ask her to.

Lastly, when raising the issue try not to point fingers or make it personal. When you have a private moment, simply explain the actions you are uncomfortable with in a polite manner and I don't see how there would be any problems

Answer 2

To your straightforward question

how do i deal with that

I have straight forward suggestion

Tell her you are more distant than before and you want that distance to be respected.

Be straightforward and tell her, so that she cannot fake misunderstandings. As per your other concern

while still wanting to enjoy the rest of the group?

In a group with person A, person B, person C and Wendy... please notice that your relationship with person A is independent from your relationship with person B which in turn is independent from your relationship with person C which in turn is independent from your relationship with Wendy, etc. etc. Should she start bearing a grudge with you due to her cognitive dissonance about her chances to get back with you, it would be her problem and her problem only: that should not prevent you from enjoying the company of others.

It's a large group, as you said, and with a core of 8-9 people there's plenty of room for both Wendy and you to be there without necessarily having direct interactions.

Answer 3

Treat her like a child

She is behaving like one, do as parents do. Calmly and neutrally state the infraction and the expectation on a case by case basis and state the consequences of it if she keeps at it. If she takes your keys, state that you expect her to give them back right away. Say "give me the keys" in a normal and calm manner. If she grabs you say "no" and push her away, calmly and neutrally. Tell her you will go home if she keeps at it, and do go home if she does. Reward her with proper attention when she behaves properly. Do not get visibly angry or upset. Exasperated is ok, but not angry, surprised or upset.

Make no mistake, she is flirting with you. She wants your reaction, your attention. She wants to be in control of the situation. Deny it to her. I'd advice against acting on her flirting even if it becomes flattering/interesting - it is unwise to get romantically involved with a person that behaves like this.

If you are consistent with this over time, she will stop.