Housemates, setting boundaries early

Question

Background

I previously asked, How can I ask my housemate to put my things back? Someone suggested that I could have avoided ever needing to solve this problem by establishing boundaries early on.

I'm also looking for a new house with established housemates right now. I'm using a website and I'm refining my marketing boundaries. I'm also refining the initial message I send.

Question

An answer in the linked question suggested setting boundaries such as tidiness and noisiness early. Another commenter suggested that it could be annoying if I ask for too much too early.

How can I establish my boundaries early on in the process of moving in with new housemates while not creating problems?

Answer 1

You have to check early--before making a sharing agreement--to make sure that you guys have the same set of values and sense of boundaries.

Do not be afraid of scaring them away, because if they blanch when you reveal your expectations, you will have made each other miserable had you lived together.

Not too long ago, I rented a room in a house with a middle-aged couple. Over the course of the ensuing weeks, it became clear that they felt entitled to my food, to use my room when I wasn't there, and to "borrow" things (batteries, coat hangers, detergent, jackets, etc.) that they never felt obligated to replace.

Ultimately, they allowed guests to sleep in my bed when I wasn't there. In trying to explain that I felt they were overstepping normal boundaries in our relationship, they seemed simply baffled: "How does it harm you to have someone sleep in your bed when you're not even there?"

So, it is much better for each side to lay out their expectations explicitly beforehand. If it scuttles the prospective living situation, count your blessings and move on. I ultimately had to move to another place after a few months, and that was a pain. Learn from my mistakes.

Answer 2

The first answer here is correct. Here's mine:

I've laid the expectations out both in a bold advert, on a house search website, and at the initial viewing. I'm keeping in touch with the housemates after the viewing as well, to know what their priorities are.

I worked with my friends, you, my family and advert replies to refine my own search as well, which I reviewed with an excel spreadsheet initially. I've also sorted out some space issues where I am now. Thanks a lot.