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I've had one date with a girl and we both agreed that we had a lot of fun. A second date was set up, but no plans were made.

She just told me that her friend asked us to go to dinner, a bar, and a club on a weekend coming up. There are a few issues I have with it.

  • Clubbing/bars isn't really my style and she told me it was really wasn't her style either. Although she said she has done it occasionally.
  • Her friend(s) and boyfriends will be there and this girl and I actually haven't broken the friend/relationship barrier(first kiss, etc) which I was hoping would happen on this upcoming date (date #2). I don't think it's likely to happen with an audience.
  • There will be drinking and I have to drive home (45 min).

How can I convey to her that I don't want to accept her friends offer without ruining a future relationship?

  • 1
    What's wrong with just telling her this? – sphennings Nov 22 '18 at 0:07
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    Not an answer but concerning the second point: do you consider her or yourself as a shy person? Maybe she set up that situation (club, friends, alcohol) to put you and her in "party mode" so you can let loose and have an opportunity to "break the friend barrier". Especially if the other people are a couple: if the party goes late, these two people will need intimacy (no speaking about sex but dancing, kissing, flirting together). – Taladris Nov 22 '18 at 6:57
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    I think it is a very good sign that she wants to introduce you to her friends, if you can have a nice time with them it is a very good start for a relationship. If you can be comfortable with meeting them and going to a bar I would do it. I don't think point 2 and 3 are good reasons to say no, if you postpone the date the first kiss has to wait anyway, and you can always drink cola and drive home. – Orbit Nov 22 '18 at 17:01
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Suggest an alternative (for another time of course, to not conflict with her friends' invitation)

I wouldn't recommend going into all your reasons for not wanting to go - they are legitimate, but they could also sound as excuses or you might just come off as more of a complainer than you intend to. If you want to vaguely state that the format isn't quite your style, that's fine, I just wouldn't dwell on it. Instead, share appreciation for the invitation and focus on your suggestion for a different second date (and possibly a brief reason that the alternative would be better, like a quieter spot might be better for conversation) .

In general, I find that offering alternatives is a great way to make sure rejection of a single invitation doesn't accidentally suggest an overall rejection, not just for dates but for any other invitation. It's important that you make a specific suggestion, though, because vague promises like "maybe some other time" can also (often) be used as a polite way of saying "no, never."

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What you've laid out in your question sounds perfectly reasonable to say to your date. You aren't into clubbing, you'd like to have a some more time one on one getting to know her, and you don't want to drink and then do a long drive. I can't imagine anyone being offended by that, especially if she's already said that she's not into the clubbing scene either.

So I'd go with just what you've said. And maybe that you would like to meet her friends, so she doesn't think you are trying to avoid them. But you do want to get to know her first.

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Well, if she already suggest another event with her friends, it's better to accept.

During the encounter, you can create a lot of opportunities to be alone with her to make the first move and kiss her:

  • call her to get a drink.
  • call her to take a "air" outside of the bar (if the local has this kind of possibility).
  • offer a drive to her home. When the car stop and you say goodbye to her, it's a good moment for a kiss.
  • maybe her friends also help you and create some opportunity to be alone with her. But you can't count with that.

There is the possibility that everything goes wrong and the night finish with no kiss. It's very frustrating, because there is this expectation. If this happens, I suggest to you immediately send a nice message to her talking about how good the night was and that you are already waiting for a new encounter, but only with you two. This kind of message reinforce that you really like her.

Decline this invite, saying that you would like to be alone with her, could pass a bad message, because she doesn't know you very well yet.

Maybe she only did this invite because you not invite her for anything after the first encounter. Pay attention on this signals. If you think that was the case, invite her for a particular encounter could be her desire too. If you think that was the case, just suggest another alternative:

"hey! Can I suggest to you another plan for the weekend? :). Of course, if your friends are counting on your presence there, we can keep the original plan ;). I know a very good bar and blabla...".

This indirectly says that you want a encounter with you two only and create a "escape" to her decline this invite without be harsh.

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You mention that you had hoped to kiss on your second date, which would move this relationship along to another level; but as it stands you are wondering whether or not she has been honest with you about her likes and dislikes. She said she wasn't into clubbing either, but it is her second date suggestion! It might be an idea to really know this girl properly before you move it along. That said, introducing you to her friends might be her way of moving the relationship along. And if her friends are going to a club, it might just have seemed convenient to her.

I can really relate to this question because I have similar feelings about clubs and bars. That sort of environment just doesn't appeal to me. You can't have a proper conversation there, so you won't get to know this girl any better on this date. Also, while I'm not against a drink, I find that I lose respect for people if I see them drunk. I've never had a positive experience from going to this kind of place, ever.

If you really are dead against going to a club then option 1 is to just make that stand. Make it a personal stand though - don't judge her for going, and make it clear you are not going to stop her. You don't want to make her think you are controlling. Just say:

Sorry, but clubs and bars really aren't my style. I wouldn't enjoy it. Let me know when you're free to meet up again after that.

If her hope was that you'd meet her friends at this club (and let them meet you) then why not suggest arranging something else that includes them, book a table at a restaurant or something. That might not be the intimate second date you were hoping for, but it is a compromise between what you want (or don't want) and what she possibly wanted from this club date.

Option 2 though is for you to go to this club, and view it as an opportunity to see what this girl and her friends are really like. There are some clubs which are not as loud and raucous as others, and you may be unfairly pre-judging her, her friends, and the proposed venue based on your experience of other people and places. You might be surprised, and even enjoy it. If you don't then you can always leave, and you've learned a lesson.

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