How to tell my ex not to expect sex

Question

I'm a 25 year old man living in France. Last year I dated a 30 year old woman in the US, and kept things really casual (I knew she wanted to be more than dating but it was not reciprocal).

Now she is in Europe and wants to come to visit me in France for a few days. I said sure, because I would like to see her again as a friend. However, I don't feel like sleeping with her again because I love someone else in a long-distance, ill-defined relationship and this latter person is going to visit me as well two weeks later.

My ex doesn't know that because we haven't talked much since last year. What is the best way to tell her that we're gonna sleep in different beds?

It looks awkward, and I don't want to think that she's made all the way to visit me for nothing, she's a very sexual person.

Answer 1

In cases where you have to tell someone things that they probably don't want to hear, these are the principles that I generally try to abide by, and they have served me well.

• Be clear but not unkind. Try not to leave the door open for her to misinterpret the situation.
• Avoid lying or making excessive or elaborate excuses.
• Remember that you are allowed to set and enforce your boundaries!
• You are not required to justify or explain why you don't want sex (although you can give your reasons if you want to).
• Don't try to 'soften the blow' or avoid conflict by allowing her to think it might happen between you when you know that is not what you want.
• Let her know your expectations in advance, so she knows she is agreeing to a platonic visit only before she solidifies her plans.

In this case you might want use words like, "I'm happy to have you visit as a friend" and "My guestroom is always open to you." You may also decide to tell her that while you would greatly enjoy her company, you're seeing someone else now. She does not need to know the details or exact nature of your new relationship unless you wish to tell her-- honesty without oversharing is the goal here.

Avoid getting into situations that send mixed signals. Don't do things that appear to be leading to a possible romantic encounter, like drinking heavily together, cuddling on the couch, etc. If you want to be just friends, keep things on a friendly level and enforce your boundaries firmly but kindly as needed.

Answer 2

I've never been in your position with someone that I previously had a physical relationship with, but I have had the need in the past to make it clear to someone that when they are staying over, sex is not on the table. The way I have done this is to mention the sleeping arrangements when telling them they can stay over. It doesn't need to be elaborate, just a simple

Yeah, I have a spare bed/couch that you can sleep in.

This makes it pretty clear that things will be staying platonic. I've used it a few times and never had sex even brought up once the night happened.