Background I am in a relationship with this girl who came to do her master's degree to my university for one year. We met in the Russian society and hence have mutual acquaintances from there. Since October, she got closer than with others, with a girl from the society(As in she became good acquaintance with her and they talk regularly). This girl is also my good acquaintance.

Case Me and my girlfriend are planning to go on a trip to Paris, for 4 days, during our spring break. The 4 days includes a day which is the birthday of my girlfriend. Her friend, which has her sister working in Paris, said that she would like to come and visit her. But she also said that she would like to come and hang out with us on my gf's birthday. So, the problem here is, we don't want to spend one of our four days in Paris with her. Her and I both agreed that although we both really like her, we would like the trip to be exclusively for the both of us only .

We talked about this with my gf and she said that she will tell this to her friend. (The girl is way closer to my gf than I am to her. We would not hang out at all if it wasn't to the connection of my gf to her.) So she doesn't know really how to say this without being rude or hurting their relationship. She said that she's scared bringing up this topic as she'd feel really awkward telling it.

So my question is: How does she tell her friend that we both would not like her at Paris with us, without being rude?

Also, since I don't have problems telling her friend that we would not like her at out trip, I told her that if she doesn't have the courage to do it until the 15th of February (our trip is 1st April) , then I will tell her myself. Although it would be way better IMO for her to tell her friend herself. She agreed to my condition, although she said that she will tell her, but is still not doing it...

  • I voted to close as off-topic because your actual question “I s this fine, that I gave her such a condition?” is completely opinion-based.
    – AsheraH
    Feb 6, 2020 at 14:06
  • Welcome to IPS.SE! I removed your second question as it would garner opinion-based answers and those aren't a good fit on Stack Exchange. As for your other question on how to approach the friend. Do you know why just outright saying what you've told us won't work? Feb 6, 2020 at 14:07
  • @AsheraH Okay, then ignore the second question please!
    – Slim Shady
    Feb 6, 2020 at 14:07
  • @LuxClaridge What do you mean by "saying outright what you've told us doesn't work"? We still haven't talked to the friend, and I'm just looking for a polite way to say it.
    – Slim Shady
    Feb 6, 2020 at 14:09
  • 1
    Flagging as off topic because it's asking how to say something
    – Aequitas
    Feb 7, 2020 at 0:08

1 Answer 1


I understand that you all have a different background from me, but it seems pretty simple to me.

This is supposed to be a romantic getaway with just the two of us.

Sure, you're seeing some other people that you know in Paris, but... it's Paris. I've never been there, but from what I've heard, it's a very popular romantic getaway location.

I've not been in your situation, as I've only really dated introverts - all of my romantic getaways have been at home and very low key. That having been said, I know other people.

Sometimes, I've had distant friends tell me that they were coming to my town, and wanted some advice on places to go. I generally will ask some questions about the sorts of places where they're interested in going. If it turns out they have some similar interests, I would likely name one of my preferred establishments, and suggest if the timing were good for me, I could meet up with them there, maybe show them around a bit.

Some friends are OK with this, and even enthusiastic. But sometimes, possibly even if it's a friend who has been enthusiastic about the concept on another occasion, they will respond that it's just a romantic getaway. When they say that, I know to specifically mark that time off on my calendar to make a point of not going where I'd suggested they go.

I've also witnessed other people reacting to news that people they know are heading for their area, but don't want to meet up with them. Some of these people are even people I don't know, I just happen to overhear them because I'm not very good at tuning people out.

Generally, if there's no excuse given, they are generally fairly likely to be annoyed or affronted by this. If they were told that it was a romantic getaway, there's less frequently any upset, and possibly even some vicarious happiness that their friend is doing well.

If the other person describes romantic getaway, but doesn't at least use the word 'romantic', sometimes that works as well, but it doesn't seem to convey as well to a lot of people.

I've also overheard, or been told of, other reasons why there shouldn't be such a meetup. Most of these are seen as "thinly veiled ruses" or are otherwise objectionable.

Some of my relatives have tried a fourth ploy, which I certainly wouldn't advise because it backfires more often than not, and frequently causes hard feelings if that happens. But, just for completeness, I'm admitting it's possible: the manufactured reason why the other person doesn't want to meet up. The way this works is you tell the person you want to see the person there, so that they can help with some really unpleasant task you're not actually intending to partake in. Of course, it doesn't work with people who are willing to help you with this thing, and then they can easily be miffed to find you didn't want them there.

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