How to handle my ex touching me against my wishes when he is visiting our daughter?

Question

I left my daughter's father during the pregnancy because we were having many issues and things with him were not changing. It's been a year since I moved back to my mom's and left him, and my daughter is 8 months old. After my daughter was born, I granted him the right to visit her daily, but that came to an end after our continuous fights, so we came to an agreement where he can see her 3x a week.

Now when he comes, he likes rubbing my thighs and asking me for hugs and kisses. And even though I say no, he doesn't seem to understand. Sometimes he will just lean and hug me without asking or nothing. Like I said I always repeat

Stop, don't touch me. Leave me alone. No.

When my 5-year-old little brother hears this, he tells him "boundaries Jose".

I am honestly tired of him insisting for me to get back with him and him doing these things when he should be there for his daughter and not bugging me.

Answer 1

From what you write, it seems you properly establish your personal boundaries - but unfortunately the father chooses to disregard them. That means you need to escalate your enforcement of the boundaries.

There are many ways to do this, depending on the details of the situation and what you feel comfortable with. Just as an example, I would propose a gradual strategy:

• As a preliminary step: Make sure you have a witness (ideally, multiple witnesses) during the next visits. This may already help make him behave, and if not, it gives you evidence for later. You could also consider filming the visits. For that you may need his consent (though possibly not if the visit is inside your home).
• If the problem persists, talk to him in private, without your daughter (and again with a witness present if possible). Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate any touching at all, and that there will be consequences, up to his losing visitation rights if he persists. Consider writing down the rules and making him sign it. This may or may not make a difference legally, but it may help to emphasize the point.
• If that still does not help, tell him that visitation can no longer continue as it is now. Again, the details are up to you: You could tell him that he is not allowed inside your home; instead you will send your daughter outside for him to pick up (and go elsewhere). Or you could arrange for someone else to replace you during visits, and possibly supervise the visit.

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I also strongly urge you to contact the relevant child welfare authority where you live (Child Protective Services, Department of Children and Families or whatever it is called). They should be able to help you with advice, practical tips, and possibly even legal aid. They (or some charity) may also be able to assist with a supervised visit or even provide someone impartial to supervise.

Finally, if push comes to shove, you may have to go to court (or be taken to court by the father). If you have collected evidence before, you have good chances of prevailing - courts can usually place limits on visits, such as requiring specific pickup locations, impose supervised visits or even suspend visits for a while. However, if you follow steps like outlined above, I hope you will get by without a court.